2578. Piffle

“Why do they say we live on the Blue Planet when it’s grey and overcast most of the time, and the sea is grey and dull, and it’s so misty I can hardly drive the car on the grey highway amidst the grey landscape?”

Clearly the children’s teacher was in a bad mood. These days Ms Atholby was frequently in a bad mood. Her boyfriend had proposed marriage and she had said “No!” Why people still went for these old-fashioned, dated practices she had no idea. They had lived together for three years so why get married?

“And so children you’ve only got to look out the window to know that the climate has already changed. When I was younger it was sunny most days. Now it’s all drizzle and piffle.”

Most in the class didn’t know what “piffle” meant. Sophia thought it sounded like a swear word. Nicholas agreed. He had heard his mother use the word “piffle” quite often, especially when she was talking about his father’s sister, Aunty Autumn. “Piffle” and “Twaddle” – they were both swear words.

“You see class,” continued Ms Atholby, “a lot of people think that climate change is a load of twaddle, but that’s hogwash.”

This was proof enough for the young students. “Piffle”, “Twaddle” and now “Hogwash” were all swear words and to be whispered in the playground.

“You hear so much hogwash from climate change deniers these days.”

Naughty Dominic called out “TWADDLE!” and the whole class laughed.

Ms Atholby put the class on detention. How she wished she’d said yes to the marriage proposal.

2570. The last ostrich

This, children, is the last ostrich on the planet. They used to be a not uncommon bird in zoos and in the wild. There were even ostrich farms. But since the Long Neck Virus became prevalent it utterly decimated the ostrich population as well as the giraffes.

Yes, Nathan? “Prevalent” means they were common. Yes, I know I should use easier words if they are available. There’s no need for you to get pestiferous.

Somehow this ostrich here was impervious to the Long Neck Virus. He or she – I never know with ostriches – seemed to just carry on with life while all around it other ostriches collapsed and died.

Brian, stop hitting Sarah. You were. I saw you. You were poking her with that ostrich leg bone.

We are very lucky to have seen an ostrich alive, albeit the last in existence. It’s something you will be able to tell your own children and grandchildren about. In fact children, we will be the last people on the planet ever to have seen an ostrich alive. This after several million years of humans wandering the plains of Africa along with ostriches. Yes children! You are the last to see a living ostrich.

BANG! There! History has unfolded before you. Jeremiah, I’ve told you before when we saw the now extinct Somes Island Tufted Titmouse – don’t be greedy, take only one feather.

2551. Chemistry! Yawn!

Mr. Thomas Bonnington had the reputation of being the most boring teacher in the school – and he knew it. He taught Chemistry. You knew that the pupils who were yawning in his class were the few who weren’t asleep.

It came as a great relief to the class – and to Mr. Bonnington – when Sebastian Wyatt put his hand up in the air and asked, “What is the most efficient and undetectable chemical to use in a murder?”

The class woke up. Mr. Thomas Bonnington was pleased that at last someone had expressed an interest in Chemistry. In fact, he spent the whole class on it in considerable detail. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to teach a class that was alert. May he rest in peace.

2538. Dunk bucket

The school’s fund-raising gala day had one of those things where a teacher sits under a contraption that has a bucket of water above the head. People pay to throw a ball at a target and if it hits then the bucket tips over and pours water all over the teacher. Of course, everything is taken in a cheerful spirit. There’s hardly a non-nerdy pupil who is not keen to throw a bucket of water over a teacher.

When the Headmaster sat in the contraption no one paid to throw a ball at the target. Everyone hated him; which just goes to show that teachers have to be liked to have a bucket of water thrown over them. The Headmaster was annoyed. He had not brought a change of clothes and had been quite unprepared to sit under the dunk bucket, but he thought he had better do his bit. The teacher who was Head of Chemistry felt sorry for him and paid to throw a ball. The ball hit its mark and the Headmaster was utterly drenched.

No one really minded, although many pretended to, when several days later the Headmaster died of pneumonia.

2437. A paradigm of pedagogy

(Pre-note: I’m not overly happy with this story because it’s too political, but I’m old and tired and will post it so as to get on with writing more murderous ones).

Evangeline was a highly qualified school teacher. She (pronoun of choice) was, to say the least, a state-of-the-art teacher. What she didn’t know wasn’t worth knowing. How she taught was the paradigm of pedagogy.

Persons! Persons! she would say. We are coming into Summer Time and there’s a mnemonic to help us remember. Spring back; Fall forward. It will tell us how to reset your phones. Say it together: Spring back; Fall forward. Or is it the other way around? Who cares? The phone company will change it for you automatically without your needing to do a thing.

Now for the calendar. Thirty days has September, August, March, and December. It’s something like that but facts don’t really matter so long as you know when your birthday is.

Now I will give you a little lesson in memorizing things. Always rhyme a word in your head. You will remember the rhyme and won’t forget the thing you have to remember. For homework I want you to make a list of every naughty word you can think of. Tomorrow we will make a combined list and find words that rhyme with them. That way you will remember them. There is to be no help from parents, is that clear?

Now, finally, Cornelius found a prophylactic on the patio. Yes Warwick? What is it?

Warwick: What’s a patio?

Evangeline: Never mind about such things, Warwick. I want you to go out into the corridor and tell the white kids they can come in now. But first, would everyone move over to the other side of the room.

2436. Language

Now Errol, said the teacher, you shouldn’t be using naughty words like that. Who taught you such language?

My father, said Errol.

Well, said the teacher, you shouldn’t use a word like that if you don’t know what it means.

I do know what it means, said Errol. It means the car won’t start.

2424. Hopping mad

Evelyne: Good morning class. Today we are going on a nature study walk. I want you to listen very carefully to what I say about every insect, bird, and plant that we see. When we get back to the classroom we will together make a list of names of the things we have seen – this will be a help with the spelling too. Once we have a list I want you to write a description of each thing that you saw. Perhaps you might even want to draw a picture. So we do this as soon as we get back. So let’s go!

Evelyne: Oh look children! Here’s a grasshopper. I wasn’t expecting to see something like this so soon. Danny and Jack down the back, pay attention. If you’re not going to listen you can go back to the classroom. This, as I said is a grasshopper. It is… yes Abram, what is it?

Abram: Excuse me Miss, but that’s a cicada. There are many differences between cicadas and Orthopterans, but the easiest way to tell them apart is Orthopterans have huge hind legs. So this is a cicada not a grasshopper.

Evelyne: Very good Abram. You obviously know your insects. This, children, is a weed called pink shamrock. We sometimes call it sourgrass because if you eat it it’s very sour. Here children, each of you can take a stem and if you bite into it, it will be sour.

Abram: It’s also called oxalis. We have to be careful Miss because you never know if the oxalis has been sprayed with Hydrocotyle weedkiller. So we should think twice before eating it, at least that’s what my father says.

Evelyne: Very good, Abram. Now here children right on the branch over there is a common house sparrow.

Abram: That’s not a house sparrow, Miss. That’s a hedge sparrow. They look a bit the same but the house sparrow is not as dainty as the hedge sparrow. It’s also called a Dunnock.

Evelyne: Thank you, Abram. Well, class, I think it’s time to go back to the classroom now and get out your Arithmetic books straightaway.

2423. A memorable performance

Bronwyn hired a bubble machine for her class’s stage performance. It was “Grandparents’ Day” at school. The children were to stage a little play to entertain the grandparents. When the performance was over they would have a cup of coffee made of course by the class.

One of the exciting things Bronwyn had done with the class was to make stilts. During the play all the children had mastered stilt walking and would do a little dance. It was quite safe as the stilts weren’t very high.

The curtains opened! The play began! The bubble machine began to shower the stage with glorious bubbles. There wasn’t a grandparent who didn’t ooh and aah. It was time for the stilt dancers to enter.

Oh dear! The soapy bubbles had made the floor very slippery. Three stilt walkers slipped and broke legs. Grandpa Ned went up on stage to rescue them. He slipped and did his hip in. Bronwyn rushed on stage to turn the bubble machine off. She slipped and broke her wrist.

All in all it was a very memorable performance. Coffee was cancelled.

Story 838: Dear Miss Munyard

This is the fifth day of seven days in which an earlier story is repeated. Today it is Story 838: “Dear Miss Munyard”. It was first posted on 26 January 2016.

Miss Munyard, although she was called May by her colleagues, was in charge of the little children new to the school. She got the children to form a circle holding hands. They danced around singing:

Three blind mice, three blind mice,
See how they run, see how they run,
They all ran after the farmer’s wife
Who cut off their tails with the carving knife,
Did you ever see such a thing in your life as
Three blind mice?

Dear Miss Munyard,
I was amazed when Nola came home singing Three Blind Mice. The method of numeracy you apparently espouse has no bearing whatsoever on the modern mathematics that should be taught. Three mice is definitive. It’s the working out of the problem that’s important; not the answer. There could have been ten mice. It wouldn’t have mattered.
Zita Codfish

Dear Miss Munyard,
Andrew came home having had bad and dated attitudes towards blindness shoved down his throat. It’s not the way he has been brought up. Making fun of blindness while dancing around in circles is hardly the value we’re trying to instil in our young people.
Maureen and Petros Stifleburg

Dear Miss Munyard,
It’s pedagogical methods such as yours that enhance attitudes toward the world’s creatures that ultimately cause extinction. There’s nothing wrong with mice. People have them as pets. Other people trap them cruelly, or even cut off, as the rhyme Nigel came home singing said, their tails. These attitudes foster violence and lack of caring for our planet. His father gave him a good beating to try and instil better values into him than the ones you promote.
Lorna Bridgewater

Dear Ms Munyard,
That’s right, have the unnamed woman in the ditty Carolynne came home singing, have her stand at the sink and get her identity from her husband. She’s just a “farmer’s wife”. No wonder we haven’t moved on from the emancipation of the 19th century. Try and drag yourself into the 21st century. Or better still; throw yourself under a race horse and liberate a few people.
Melinda Beveridge

Dear May,
Jonathan came home from school on a high. He loves the songs you teach. He especially loved the one about the three blind mice. You certainly know how to relate to children. Jonathan worships you! I wondered if you were free again next Saturday evening?
Harry Wattleworth

2347. Teacher-Pupil

Teacher: And so Class, use the word “rappel” in a sentence. Johnny, you go first.

Johnny: The teacher wanted us to use the word “rappel” in a sentence.

Teacher: Yes, go ahead.

Johnny: I just have.

Teacher: No you didn’t.

Johnny: Yes I did. The teacher wanted us to use the word RAPPEL in a sentence.

Teacher: That’s not what I asked.

Johnny: But it’s what you said.

Teacher: I’ve had enough of this nonsense. For homework tonight say how you feel about Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa.

The next morning Johnny handed the teacher a bunch of flowers.

Teacher: That’s not what I asked.

Johnny: But it’s what you said.

Johnny failed the subject. That was way back. These days Johnny lives a creative, flourishing life. The teacher’s dead. The rest of the class are sitting out life, waiting for it to start happening.