Tag Archives: stealing

1896. A compromising situation

Dear Heart Throb
I really don’t know who to turn to. I am eighteen and my uncle’s wife claims to have information on me that could prove embarrassing. I don’t know whether to confront her about it or ignore it and hope it goes away. She claims to have photos of me in a compromising situation even though I know I’ve never been in a compromising situation like that. It’s amazing how photographs can be doctored these days to make them look real. Any suggestions?
Disgruntled Nephew.

Dear Disgruntled Nephew
You seem like a nice young man. How awful to be accused of being in a compromising situation and never having been in a compromising situation. You’ve got the worst of both worlds.

May I suggest you make a list of possible compromising situations – experiences that theoretically would embarrass you if knowledge of them got out into the public arena. An example could be getting videoed while stealing something valuable from a shop; or being caught having an affair with a popular film star. Things like that. Then choose one from the list and GO OUT AND DO IT. Make sure it gets noticed and recorded, and then leave it in a place where your uncle’s wife will find it. Doctoring photographs simply doesn’t work. She’ll want the genuine stuff. You’ll find that often the general population will be in awe of you and your compromising situation. You’ll be something of a celebrity.

Hope this helps.
Heart Throb

1883. Garden tools

Let’s face it: Stella wasn’t a greedy person. She was a spinster, lived alone, and was retired. She had worked as a nurse all her life. She had looked forward to her retirement. “At last! After all these years I shall be able to potter all day in the garden!”

She owned her own home, and it had a fairly extensive garden. It was one of those gardens that looked bigger than it was. One could get lost in it. Go through a gap in the shrubbery and a new vista, a new “room”, was revealed. Stella had a “theme” for each area; vegetables, flowers for cut flowers, herbs, and so on. The problem was that Stella could live satisfactorily in retirement but there wasn’t much left over for much else. That was when her lawn mower broke down, her garden rake disintegrated, her hedge clippers fell apart. It seemed that at least half the garden tools had gone on strike.

It would be simple enough to replace a garden trowel or something, but to replace half the tools at once was a burdensome impossibility. Stella conceived a plan! She advertised through the local Garden Society that the following weekend she would have an “Open Garden”. It’s true! Stella’s garden was a picture. At her gate she would have a sign and an honesty tin with a slot cut in the lid: GARDEN SHOW: ENTRY BY GOLD COIN.

When it came to gardening Stella wasn’t simply a weed-puller; she was an artist. She arranged the watering can, and the wheel barrow, and the spade, and all the garden tools (even the broken ones), in a nonchalant way around the garden, as if to say the gardener was busy but had just taken a break for a cup of tea. It was artistic; it was… well… very Stella. The arrangement in the delphinium bed was perfect: all that the placing of the watering can and spade needed was a robin to perch on the spade handle to create a postcard scene!

The Saturday was sunny. Quite a crowd came on this first day. Stella didn’t want to appear to be nosy, but at the start she could hear the gold coins go clang as they were put in the tin at the gate. She knew the tin was collecting even more coins when it ceased to clang as if it was empty. What a successful day!

When she went to collect the honesty tin in the late afternoon it had been stolen. As had all her garden tools. Even her spade that awaited the perching robin had disappeared.

1307. Copyright copycat

How sensational is that? Julian was quietly looking for a cute picture of a cat online when he made an adrenaline-charged discovery! He came across a photograph he had taken of his dog! Perhaps some explanation is called for.

Julian had a pet cat. Her name was Banbury, although her full name was Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross. Why is another story. Julian also had a pet dog. His name was Rock, although his full name was Rock my Soul in the Bosom of Abraham. Why is another story.

Julian had found online a number of pet food companies that held weekly competitions for a month’s supply of pet food. All that needed to be done was to submit a photograph of your pet, and the winner (the one with the cutest pet that week) got a voucher for the month’s supply. Julian’s dog photos had never won a thing.

The cat was another story altogether. Banbury was not photogenic, and yet week after week Julian won enough pet food with his cat photos to feed the dog and the cat. It didn’t come free of charge however. Julian would have to spend hours searching the internet for cute otherwise-unfindable cat pictures taken by other people that he could submit as his own. That is how he won so often. Banbury never had so many faces!

While searching, Julian came across the picture he had taken of Rock. It had won a pet food photo competition for “The Best Pet Photo of the Year”. The prize was a thousand dollars.

A thousand dollars! Julian was outraged. That’s my photo! he shouted out. My photo! Give me my thousand dollars!

A full investigation was called for. Julian was given his thousand dollars. He also received a court order to pay two hundred and fifty thousand dollars for his stealing of the cat photos.

535. Angus: thief

535thief

Angus knew he had been caught red-handed. He was still holding the ten-dollar note and his mother’s purse when she walked into the room.

“What are you doing with my purse?” asked his mother.

I’m just returning the ten-dollar note I borrowed off you last week,” said Angus. He was a quick thinker, was our Angus.

“Just keep it,” said his mother.

So he did.

His quick-witted luck didn’t last for long however; only for a couple of years. Now that he’s older, and better at it, he finds being a professional thief bloody hard work.