Tag Archives: space

2453.  Interplanetary warfare

Once cosmic aliens had been discovered it didn’t take long for the forty million or so known forms of intelligent life to work out that basically intelligent life was all the same no matter where they stemmed from in the universe. They were all violent and mean. They were greedy. They were corrupt. They were rotten to the core.

One of the good things about all this however was that weapons of war would not work if they were fired via the instowarpicator. This was a device of extraordinary inventiveness that enabled alien species (I call them “species” but really we need to invent a new word for these divisions)… the instowarpicator enabled each planetary “intelligentis” to travel almost instantaneously from one planet to another.

As I say, lethal weapons of war were neutralized if they travelled down the instowarpicator. Lethal weapons of mass destruction had to travel via the conventional way, that is, through space at the speed of light.

It is believed that almost every planet (if not all) had at some stage fired a destructive weapon at an enemy planet somewhere sometime. The good thing was that the weapons would take thousands (in some cases millions) of light years to reach their targets. This made the inhabitants of every planet blasé about interplanetary co-existence. Each had thousands of years to discover and make an antidote to destructive forces.

So all in all, the cosmos was safe. It’s just that every race of planetary intelligentis hated each other’s guts.

2446.  Interplanetary visitation

Now that interplanetary visitation is commonplace there are some people who won’t accept reality. Gone are the days when we didn’t know whether or not life existed on other planets – let alone intelligent life.

What gets me down are the tourists. There are hundreds of known planets seething with life, but these aliens from just the one planet seem to wander aimlessly around the cosmos like maggots on a hunk of dead rotten meat. And they take photographs of everything. You would think by now they would have upgraded their technology.

My home has a spectacular view of a waterfall. It’s why I paid such an extravagant price for the house; it was the view. Now it seems like you can’t see the waterfall for the tourists. Also, I estimate there must be three or four knocks on my door every day. It is tourists asking if I am willing to sell.  These tourists from just the one planet seem motivated by greed. They are buying up a good portion of the real estate around here and they’re only living in it for about a month of the year.

Other planets are finding the same problems. There’s a move afoot to get the Interplanetary Confederation to ban tourists from Earth altogether.

2351. An alien attempt

Let me make it quite clear: I don’t believe in outer-space aliens, I have never believed in aliens, and I will never believe in aliens. They are a fiction and not an overly interesting one. Which is why it was a bit strange, given my antipathy towards fictional extra-terrestrials, that I got a handwritten note in my mailbox lamenting that this blog hadn’t had a story in it for quite a while involving outer-space aliens. It was signed “Alien from Out There”.

To be honest, I saw red. If a friend (or acquaintance) wanted science fiction they were welcome to tell me to my face. I scribbled a reply at the bottom of the note that read “If you’re so keen on science fiction why don’t you write one yourself.”

The next day there was a story in my mailbox. Here it is. It hasn’t changed my scepticism about aliens one bit.

Uxun tykugy Htccy ycu cuun tklu cll yur lygu tyct hyu wch cukptuu hyu huhpuctuu yn gcct tyct yur mktyur wch yur rucl mktyur cnu yur gctyur wch yur rucl gctyur. Htccy wch numcur hyx yn c gcmyly kg hyx cyylurun. Yn gcct, gkur kg yur crktyurh cnu hyhturh wuru yur rucl crktyurh cnu hyhturh, cnu uxun tykugy hyu wch tun yucrh ykungur tycn tyuy wuru tyuru wch nktyyng unuhucl yn tyct. Knu kg yur crktyurh, tyu gygty hyclyng, ycu tyu hcmu mktyur wut tyu gctyur wch uyggurunt; “Hwuuyhy” tyu UNC tuhth wuru tk ruxucl.

Tk prkxu yur pkynt, Htccy ycu ycu hucrut UNC tuhth uknu kg tyu gcmyly cnu tyu ruhulth prkxuu yur pkynt: yur mktyur wch yur rucl mktyur cnu yur gctyur wch yur rucl gctyur. Hk wyy tyu cukptykn htkry?

I had to read the story twice. Have they never heard of proper punctuation? Ignorant idiots. And what a stupid story. Huh? Just because some of us have green blood doesn’t mean to say that… whatever.

2140. The Anti-Legume League

They were a new planet just admitted to the League of Planets. Membership was limited, naturally enough, to those planets whose scientists had discovered the Wormwarp Warpworm. It meant they could travel almost instantaneously from one planet to another. Of course, if they couldn’t travel in such a manner there was the likelihood that they wouldn’t even know other inhabited planets existed. The Ydlkgjdklws were delighted when just two years after their discovery of the Wormwarp Warpworm, they were admitted to such an exclusive League.

There was just one hitch; the upper echelon of the League of Planets was the Anti-legume League. These were the planets that despised vegetables, especially green vegetables, and even more particularly, green beans. “If you see a bean, kill and devour it” was the motto of the Anti-legume League. “Eventually we will rid the Cosmos of beans.”

This greatly upset the Ydlkgjdklws. They were mild meat eaters but loved their vegies. Still, the desire to be admitted to the upper echelon of the League of Planets affected them greatly. In anger they invaded Planet Earth and killed any Homo sapiens they could find.

“They are motivated by rage,” declared the President of the League of Planets. “And all because they would not help destroy the beans.”

“Destroy what?” asked the Ydlkgjdklws.

“Beans,” said the president.

“Oh,” said the Ydlkgjdklws, somewhat embarrassed. “We thought you meant us to destroy and devour the human beans.”

Which just goes to show that some of these cosmic languages are next to impossible to learn.

“Why can’t other languages be simple to pronounce like ours?” asked the Ydlkgjdklws.

(Footnote – Hi Fellow Ydlkgjdklwians – I’m back after nearly a week away!)

2136. Saved!

What a scream it was! Philippa, Chadwick, and myself, had all been appointed by the head of the FBI to investigate whether Cassandra was acting as a secret agent for the Chinese government.

Of course she wasn’t! All four of us, Philippa, Chadwick, Cassandra, and me, were all working as secret agents for the same “foreign government”. And it wasn’t China.

What a hoot! Of course the three of us all found Cassandra guilty. We produced irrefutable evidence. Cassandra, to put it mildly, had been a total pain in the side for some time. “Catty” would be the polite word for it. We were therefore happy to show evidence of her guilt. Eventually she was taken out and shot for treason. She wasn’t exactly “shot”; she was put down in a humane way.

All we need do was to report her demise to our “foreign government”. The FBI had been close to discovering the truth about Cassandra. So we had to get rid of her. It could uncover the cover of us three remaining agents.

The QXQZL were delighted we had acted in the best interests of our planet. We will be richly rewarded once the spacecraft comes to take us home.

(Footnote: I shall be away until next Saturday. The stories will still appear. Feel free to comment but know that I possibly will not be able to respond!)

2008. Cruising the Universe

Long John Silver (his real name wasn’t Long John Silver but he was known as Long John Silver by his closest associates) had given the exact location of Planet Earth. He had stumbled across Planet Earth while cruising the Universe and thought it to be a fairly fascinating place. (It’s where he had picked up the name Long John Silver from. It had tickled his fancy).

Now a group from Long John Silver’s planet were travelling in a space pod to Planet Earth. The voyage would take just over eight months, which was a phenomenally short time given the distance to get to Earth. Speed is of the essence in space travel.

Already two of the men on board had given birth to babies. (These aliens were sort of like Planet Earth’s sea horses where the males did the gestation).

How exciting to be nearing Planet Earth! Conditions on Earth were so similar to their own that they could simply step off their space pod and be assimilated incognito into earthly daily life (apart from the men having babies, which would be hidden if it happened).

They reached the location stipulated by Long John Silver. There was nothing there. Planet Earth had self-annihilated. It had blown itself up. It was so disappointing for the tourists.

1963. Snap shot on Mars

(This is the second of seven days of Science Faction).

It wasn’t the first time that humans had landed and wandered around Mars. Each time – I believe it was seven – a new landing site had been selected to measure and collect and ascertain.

It was during the eighth Mars landing that Astronauts Eugenia and Estelle got the fright of their lives. They immediately beamed back photographs to Earth. There, in the sandy soil, were fresh footprints. In fact there were footprints of several creatures. The creatures were clearly quadrupeds and each foot had seventeen toes. Eugenia and Estelle followed the prints. When they turned a sudden rocky corner, there it was! Sitting on the sand was an octagonal space craft. No creatures were to be seen. The space craft was about the size of an average house.

The astronauts didn’t know whether they should approach or not. Was it dangerous? Surely the space aliens would have seen the Earthlings’ landing machine, and if they didn’t want to be seen they would have immediately taken off. Obviously, in this case, they wanted to make contact. Eugenia and Estelle slowly approached. It was naturally nerve-wracking.

There was still no sign of life. Suddenly Eugenia whispered. “Don’t look now but I think we’re been followed.” Their steps froze. They began to feel cold in their space suits. Estelle held up a small camera and pointed it behind her, to send the moment back to earth. No sooner had she held the camera up and pointed it behind her then it disintegrated in her hand.

A fuzzy image of shapes, out of focus and too dark to distinguish anything, was the last picture received on Earth. Extensive digital enhancement revealed what some thought looked like a vase of grey dead flowers and others imagined a scattered cloud formation on a stormy night. Astronauts Eugenia and Estelle were never heard of again. When yet another craft to Mars landed at the same site, the old craft was nowhere to be seen. It had been taken away.

1953. Those space aliens

Apparently, and I don’t believe a word of it, space aliens have taken over the planet. I’ve never seen one. I’ve never heard one. And now they claim (via the media) that we are to carry on in a normal manner and not even mention their presence.

If we as much as mention them something dire will happen. Yeah right – like we’re being watched. I don’t believe it for a

1949. A guilt trip

The arrival of certain story numbers on this blog sometimes contains an unsuspecting significance. In this case it is Story 1949. 1949 was the year I was born. The number surely demands something special?

Let me reveal something that maybe you never suspected.

Some mad people (they are mad people because I happen to know that things like that simply don’t happen) believe that at some stage they were abducted by aliens and experimented upon either in the alien space craft or taken to the home planet to be examined. What nonsense! I should know, because I am an alien implant.

I volunteered on my home planet to undergo a seventy-seven year or so stay on Planet Earth to better ascertain whether or not the planet would be worth taking over. Thus was I implanted in 1949 (Earth date) and born into what appeared to be normalcy.

Twenty years had not passed when I received a message that warfare on my home planet had erupted and, to make a long story short, my planet and all its inhabitants had been destroyed. This was not only sad but it created a problem for me because I no longer had reason to report back about Planet Earth. Nor do I know what I should do once the seventy-seven years or so are up. I can’t go on living here getting older and older without transmogrifying into something that Earthlings might consider strange.

So that’s where I’m at, at the moment. I’ll gladly take suggestions, but, PLEASE, no dingbats making ridiculous claims about “I too am an alien”. I know a good alien when I see one, and there are many charlatans on Planet Earth. There are perhaps more charlatans here than on any other inhabited planet in the universe.

Incidentally I know of only one other space alien currently on Planet Earth. She lives “overseas” and I have nothing to do with her. She’s from another planet from me altogether. Why would we need to work together? Can a horse and a cow join together to pull the same cart? (That is a saying once used on my home planet). Apparently she’s here to study cloud formation for a doctoral thesis. They’re so backward where she comes from.

There you have it! The number 1949 has certainly made me face the music. I’m actually feeling quite guilty that I haven’t told you about all this before.

1891. On talking to a telegraph pole

I’m constantly amazed at how stupid some space aliens really are. The other day I caught one having a conversation with a telegraph pole. A telegraph pole!

I said, “You’re talking to a telegraph pole you stupid idiot. It’s not a living thing; it’s just a pole for holding up wires. It’s inanimate.”

“Oh yeah,” it said. (I’m not sure with the aliens if it’s a girl or a boy. Possibly neither. I read, apparently they breed like mushrooms. Sort of clouds of spores. I’d better watch out! Ha ha!) It continued: “Perhaps if you tried talking to a telegraph pole yourself you’d realize they are not as inanimate as you might think. Here! Try it!”

“Hello telegraph pole. How are you today?” I said.

Suddenly there was a cloud of spores floating all around me. I said that these spores were like mushroom spores, but really it was like a pollen explosion in a pine forest. I was so immersed in the all-pervading floating pollen that I could hardly see the alien. It was smiling in a ghostly manner; it was mesmerizing. Quite frankly it was grotesque.

Anyway, I had to dash off home. I was so excited, as was my wife. I just realized something then and there. Poof! In a flash! We’re going to have a baby! Possibly tomorrow morning.