Tag Archives: snails

1229. Paranoia overcome

Avis was paranoid, not about spiders, oh no! Not about centipedes, oh no! Not about bugs, or birds, or even terrestrial pulmonate gastropod molluscs, oh no!

Avis was paranoid about tadpoles. If those little slimy eyeballs with a tail could grow legs, what else could they do? Grow claws? Tentacles? Great gnashing teeth?

And the fact that they grew into land-hopping creatures, would they jump out of their pond and leap into her bedroom at night? Avis shut her bedroom window and drew the curtains.

And then the inevitable happened, for this is a story is it not? Avis overcame her paranoia when she kissed a frog and turned into a reptile herself. They married and lived happily ever after.

She and her husband produced a bunch of sprogs, and the sprogs lived happily ever after too. One of them was able to transmogrify into a terrestrial pulmonate gastropod mollusc when it was called for, although eventually it was devoured by a hungry sibling.

1092. Bastille Day

It was Bastille Day and Nora thought she’d invite the next door neighbours over for dinner. They were French.

Nora started with a mix of snails and frogs’ legs. “It’s very French,” said Nora to her guests. “I got the snails out of a tin. They’re the real thing.” Quite frankly they would never have guessed.

Next came French Onion Soup – “It’s out of a packet,” said Nora, “so it must be the genuine stuff.” The soup was served with French fries, and garlic bread made out of a baguette.

Last served was fruit salad and ice cream. “It’s nice to have something local in this cultural exchange,” declared Nora.

The neighbours went home afterwards, delighted with Nora’s commemoration of Bastille Day. They put on their berets, and rode home on bicycles with strings of onions hanging down the front.

988. Kelp Help

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Merton had this brilliant idea to make lots of money; and it worked. He would go to the beach and collect a pile of seaweed, throw it in a tub of water for ten minutes, bottle the water, and sell it as expensive garden fertilizer.

Every second gardening enthusiast wanted to buy his fertilizer. Kelp Help was the brand name. The stuff didn’t make an ounce of difference of course, but Merton made heaps of money. He was able to buy a luxury house; and a car; and a racehorse.

Next he was thinking of making a booklet to sell on the internet telling people how to make easy money with snails. You can breed and market snails for eating no trouble. Just buy the booklet and find out how.

A poor person knocked on Merton’s door and asked for some food.

“Clear off,” said Merton. “I worked for my money. If you want to eat you’ve got to use your brains.”


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