2610. The state of education?

Now children, sit on the floor and get comfortable. We are going to watch a movie called “Bambi”. Before we watch it I want you to see a video of how Bambi was made by his Mummy and Daddy.

2558. Notes for a novel

It was the start of a new academic year. There were so many exciting discoveries to be made. Who would people share their friendship with? It was the first proper break away from home! Who would meet who? What does the future hold?

There was Michael. Michael was gay and parents supported the choice. Michael was instantly attracted to Anthony.

Anthony was pansexual, also known as omnisexual or gender-blind. Anthony noticed Michael but was mainly attracted to Josie who was lesbian. Josie wasn’t just exciting; Josie was mysterious.

Imagine Josie’s disappointment upon discovering that Hazel was asexual. Hazel was interested in cuddles but little else. That is until Aiden came along.

Aiden was heterosexual but open to other possibilities. It is so disappointing when one discovers that the person they are attracted to is not normal. That didn’t stop Aiden from being attracted to Grace who was polyamorous. Aiden would have to share Grace with Andrew, Abigail and Landon.

Oh the disenchantment! Landon was heteronormal, that is, heterosexuality was considered the norm. What a bigot! Many questioned how anyone like that would ever make it all the way through primary school.

2230. Bravo Valerie!

Valerie was in charge. She’d been in charge all her life; in charge of everything. Now she had been promoted (at last! at last!) to become the Director of the Diversity and Inclusion Task Force at the University’s Department of Human Evolutionary Biology. At last she could demand real science from the lecturers. None of this namby-pamby nonsense of there being only two sexes. If multiple sexes were good enough for mushrooms it was good enough for humans. Had not fungi and humans evolved together on the same planet? If one wakes in the morning and feels like a marsupial then one is a marsupial.

We must rid ourselves of white, middle class, male, deeply-entrenched European concepts of science. When did we last teach the profound science of the Yoyontze Tribe? They could tell the time of year from the singing of birds. The weather was forecast in the flowering of the sontigaga vine. Warfare between villages was necessary to prevent the gene pool from getting too restricted. The science went on and on. And on. Butterflies are to be admired, not dissected. Oh look! There’s one now!

Yes, Valerie was in charge. She had expelled from the university’s teaching staff all who could not follow the science. After all, that’s what the Diversity and Inclusion Task Force was for. There are even rumours that Valerie is going to be nominated by the President to be the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases – once the current holder kicks the bucket.

Bravo Valerie!

2184. Complications

When Eunice’s daughter, Hazel, from a previous marriage caught her stepfather in the kitchen having whoopee with the lady from next door, she was dismayed. Should she tell her mother? Should she simply get on with life as if nothing had happened? It was life-changing knowledge. She liked her high school. She liked her friends. She liked living in this house. All that would change if she spilt the beans to her mother.

Hazel decided to keep silent. But as the weeks went by she became more and more sullen. Her mother didn’t know what was wrong.

“What is it, Hazel? Is it boyfriends or something?”

“It’s nothing,” said Hazel.

And then Eunice announced to Hazel that her relationship with Hazel’s stepfather was over. He had been having an affair with the lady next door and was leaving.

Hazel had never been so damn relieved in her entire life.

2097. There they go again

Now that cosmic aliens have become commonplace, and in the main taken for granted, certain serious problems have arisen.

I’m not talking about interplanetary marriages. These of course can create hitherto unthought of problems. A human and an alien falling in love is a bit like being besotted by a pet cat. Nothing wrong with loving ones cat. It’s the procreation bit that makes the mess. There are now all sorts of bylaws and mores to govern transplanetary sex. How does an Earthling, for example, have sex with a creature who has… Oh, doesn’t matter…

But it’s the racism that gets to me. As an alien on Earth from the Planet Spectrifica I can only say I have felt the full force of Earthly bigotry many a time. Earthlings used to discriminate against Asians and Blacks and Europeans and any subdivision they cared to create that was governed by looks or beliefs. These days this full-faced vengeance is aimed at aliens from outer space. They cannot accept the fact that every alien from every planet has features Earthlings posit as being ludicrous. Only the other day I saw two Earthling schoolgirls giggling at a Tronkinish who had three belly buttons on his/her forehead. The various races on Earth are now united by their common hatred and scorn of aliens.

That is why I have founded a group that gives voice to protest against these bigotries. It is called ALARM. For the name I simply took the first letter of every word in the name; which seems to be a practice used by the Earthlings. For example there are UN and BLM and USA and UK and NASA and so on. So I settled on ALARM.

ALARM is become increasingly popular with us aliens. We stand together against the ignorance of Earthlings.

Some Earthling asked (on television would you believe): What do the letters of ALARM stand for? I said that ALARM stands for ALIEN LIVES ARE REALLY IMPORTANT. They said that would be ALARI not ALARM. I simply sighed and thought, There they go again. Earthlings continue to impose their restrictive perceptions on every living creature in the Universe. It seems they will never learn. If scrunchers weren’t illegal on this backward planet I’d get one and scrunch the lot.

2025. Are you gender neutral or gender neutral?

Most interplanetary aliens look like humans. They have two arms, two legs, two nostrils, two ears, and so on. Presumably underneath their clothes they are much the same as humans, but an earthly visitor could hardly ask aliens to take off their clothes to enable observation.

The problem is – and this seems to be the case in all twenty-seven known planets with intelligent beings – in looks at least, males and females seem very much the same; same hair, same complexion, same height, and so on. They appear to be gender neutral, although they clearly make babies one way or another.

Even the Honniplexes, whose climate and terrain are as different as one could get from Earth, have human features, although their feet are slightly oversized.

How do all these aliens know which is which? Who is what when it comes to sex? Obviously one can’t wait until “the moment” to find out that the other person is the wrong gender to make a baby. As Marilynn Duckplath declared in Earth Parliament, “How can we use non-sexist language when we don’t know what gender we are trying to avoid? It has become a matter of science to find out the interplanetary facts of life.”

There was nothing for it but to send a crew out into space to force the aliens to strip. But what a disappointment! “We were extremely disappointed with what we scientifically observed,” reported the head scientist to Earth Parliament. “We took all sorts of measurements and everything seemed much the same as my own bits and pieces.” Marilynn Duckplath pushed even further: “Could you describe what you observed in greater detail.”

Enough is enough. Marilynn was greatly dissatisfied. She took the sex of aliens into her own hands. The next time aliens came to Earth she asked them point blank: “Which of you are males and which are females and how do you tell the difference?”  The answer stunned the scientific community. One planet distinguished the sexes via smell, another through sound, another through touch, another by giving a gentle bite on the neck when greeting a hitherto unknown person. Earth seemed to be the only planet that sorted out sexual identity via looks.

Marilynn took the lead in introducing new legislation on Earth. “How can we have gender equality throughout the cosmos when there are vastly different ways of identifying gender? From now on humans will identify their gender via sound. That way we can strive for universal equality.”

And that is why little boys are taught to fart loudly and crudely, whereas little girls (who are sugar and spice and all things nice) are taught to fart in the quietest possible manner.

Further legislation is to be introduced in the future to refine the situation. It is sexist to demand that boys and girls be taught to fart differently. All must fart the same. In future, aliens when they visit are to rightly be perplexed as to who are the males and who are the females. They’ll consider sending a team of scientists to investigate.

1896. A compromising situation

Dear Heart Throb
I really don’t know who to turn to. I am eighteen and my uncle’s wife claims to have information on me that could prove embarrassing. I don’t know whether to confront her about it or ignore it and hope it goes away. She claims to have photos of me in a compromising situation even though I know I’ve never been in a compromising situation like that. It’s amazing how photographs can be doctored these days to make them look real. Any suggestions?
Disgruntled Nephew.

Dear Disgruntled Nephew
You seem like a nice young man. How awful to be accused of being in a compromising situation and never having been in a compromising situation. You’ve got the worst of both worlds.

May I suggest you make a list of possible compromising situations – experiences that theoretically would embarrass you if knowledge of them got out into the public arena. An example could be getting videoed while stealing something valuable from a shop; or being caught having an affair with a popular film star. Things like that. Then choose one from the list and GO OUT AND DO IT. Make sure it gets noticed and recorded, and then leave it in a place where your uncle’s wife will find it. Doctoring photographs simply doesn’t work. She’ll want the genuine stuff. You’ll find that often the general population will be in awe of you and your compromising situation. You’ll be something of a celebrity.

Hope this helps.
Heart Throb

1679. Breathless

Leonora felt his hot breath on the back of her neck. She knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands to himself. There was little she could do to counter his body pressed against hers.

How she hated these rides to work every morning on an overcrowded bus.

1673. Why some pronouns are proper

Stephan had a reasonably well-paid job until the company was sued by Stephanie for using the wrong pronoun. It was obvious that it should have been “she” and “her”?

Stephanie had a reasonably well-paid job until the company was sued by Stephan for using the wrong pronoun. It was obvious that it should have been “he” and “him”?

Stephan had a reasonably well-paid job until the company was sued by Stephanie for using the wrong pronoun. It was obvious that it should have been “she” and “her”?

Stephanie had a reasonably well-paid job until the company was sued by Stephan for using the wrong pronoun. It was obvious that it should have been “he” and “him”?

Stephan was an expert at forging references. It was a handy skill to have when looking for a job. But now there simply wasn’t a need for it. Enough money had been made.

1618. Reproductive toxicity

Just as Leopold was about to undergo purgation for reproductive toxicity, disaster struck. His wife had insisted that he have such a treatment and it was while flying to Los Angeles to see the experts that something happened to change his mind. He met a high altitude safety technician. She was delivering cut lunches to all the passengers when she leant over to ensure that Leopold’s safety belt was properly fastened. “We don’t want you to fall out of your seat when the plane crashes do we, sweet pea?” That was enough to convince Leopold that the proposed purgation of his reproductive toxicity should be put on hold.

Quite frankly, enough was enough. Upon arrival in Los Angeles Leopold and Angelina (for that was her name) booked into a motel where they mutually enhanced not only Leopold’s reproductive toxicity but his toxic masculinity as well. It was what used to be known as “a dirty weekend”.

Upon his return home Leopold’s wife was convinced that the expert’s purgation had indeed worked, for he no longer showed any interest in her. That was the beginning of the end; or rather the beginning of the beginning. They drifted apart. Leopold’s wife revelled in her new-found independence and ran for Congress. She was duly elected and had an extremely fruitful career demanding the destruction of male reproductive toxicity up and down the county.

Leopold’s ex-wife became something of a celebrity but, I’m sorry, I can’t remember her name.