2622. Rhubarb jam

“It’s definitely food for thought,” declared Ava-Margaret. She had been entertaining a guest at her apartment in the retirement village and they had discussed how late December-early January seemed to be the time the Grim Reaper made an appearance. “It’s funny,” said Ava-Margaret, “we older people don’t seem to have the resilience against illnesses that we used to have in younger years.”

Because Ava-Margaret and her visitor were enjoying a lovely cup of tea didn’t mean that Ava-Margaret was doing nothing. She was busy chopping up rhubarb to make rhubarb jam. “I know I’m early,” said Ava-Margaret, “but I avoid the Christmas rush by preparing a few little gifts well in advance. Little jars of rhubarb jam are just what the doctor ordered.”

“You realize,” said the visitor, “that you are chopping up the rhubarb leaves as well as the stems. The leaves are poisonous.”

“Dear me, so they are!” laughed Ava-Margaret. “I’ll have to be careful as to who I give these little gifts to.”

Jim chortled. “It’s fun to be in on it,” he said.

2337. Rhubarb and Strawberry Cobbler

Look! I used the recipe you posted on your blog and quite frankly it was disgusting. I followed it to a T, and it still turned out horrible. The comments from some of your readers appeared to be helpful. One said the dessert was too runny, so I added more flour. Another said there wasn’t enough topping, so I doubled it. Yet another said it turned out way too sweet, so I halved the sugar.

The dessert turned out tart, heavy, and solid as a rock. I didn’t have any rhubarb so I used some crab apples off the neighbour’s tree instead. Both rhubarb and crab apples are afterall quite sour. And instead of strawberries I used a banana as it is high in potassium and can only be healthy.

I couldn’t see how crab apples could be put into a pot and heated without any liquid so I was going to put a touch of olive oil in the pot but I didn’t because I didn’t have any. So I used a teaspoon or two of lard instead.

Your recipe wasn’t just tart, heavy, and solid; it was FATTY. You have no right to claim that your recipe is healthy when if anything it is exactly the opposite. We had to smother the finished product in whipped cream to make it consumptible.

What is healthy about that? That’s the last recipe of yours I will try. It was extremely disappointing and you don’t appear to have an ounce of remorse. That is why I graded it with a zero on Facebook. It ruined our Christmas dinner, which was a delicious pre-cooked chicken that we reheated for our sumptuous feast.

My daughter doesn’t like chicken, so she defrosted some beef in the fridge but the blood ran down the fridge shelf and into your disgusting dessert. You have no idea how disappointing your pretentious and crapulous recipe was. A pox on your blog.

1294. Offensive food

Marcella was a pretty good cook. She planned her occasions meticulously. Not that she invited guests every day; occasions are for celebrating occasionally!

On this particular occasion, apart from her husband of course, she invited three couples; old friends in the main, although one of the couples was new to Marcella’s street. For dessert, Marcella planned to have a traditional rhubarb pie. Not the sweet-sour syrupy rhubarb pie drowning in sugar and hidden in layers of pastry, but the traditional French rhubarb pie, ever so slightly tart, that took several days to make.

But first, Marcella went online to confirm a recipe she already knew. And there it was:

WARNING: NEVER SERVE RHUBARB TO GUESTS. SOME PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE IT, AND IT COULD BE REGARDED AS OFFENSIVE. CLICK HERE FOR OTHER OFFENSIVE FOODS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE SERVED.

Marcella surveyed the list. There was very little left to eat. Even green beans were on it. And endives, and cabbage, and mayonnaise, and onions, and… Marcella made her main meal as bland as possible to cater for all palates; and instead of traditional rhubarb pie her guests had insipid fruit salad and ice cream. Marcella hoped it would be as tasteless as possible, so as not to offend.