2445. Birthday treat

Babette made twenty little cakes in her muffin tin. They were sponge cakes in which she cut a circular piece from the top, filled it with whipped cream, then sliced and set the cut out top to make a butterfly shape. She called them her butterfly cakes.

With the cream and the sugar and the butter she knew it wasn’t particularly healthy, but what the heck! a birthday comes but once a year.

For breakfast she had two sausages and a fried egg as well as a… no! Not toast, but fried bread; which is a slice of bread soaked in milk and fried in lard. For lunch it was a hamburger and French fries from a local chain, for although she liked to cook, three meals in a day was a bit much work, especially since it was her birthday.

At last came the evening meal. Babette poured herself a wine, set the table complete with her twenty little cakes, and began to prepare the main course of East Lothian beef, braised truffle barley and Scottish girolles. It was to be an early dinner, because as a birthday treat Babette had booked into the finest restaurant in town. She want to see how her cooking compared to theirs.

2320. Restaurant service

Sir, can I tempt you with this week’s special: Ox Tongue.

Good heavens, waiter! I could never eat anything that came out of a cow’s mouth. Just give me an egg.

2305. Feisty waitress

The waitress walked over and whispered in my ear, “You have to leave because your life is in danger”.

I left immediately and watched furtively through the restaurant window on the street. Was there a gunman? Was the kitchen on fire? Everyone else in the restaurant was leaving as well. The waitress was doing a round of the tables and whispering in everyone’s ear. Finally she herself left.

“What was that about?” I asked her as she came out on the street.

“I have been fired,” she said, “and was given 5 minutes to leave the property. I put the 5 minutes to good use.”

2287. Restaurant protest

That woman is unbelievably rude. I wanted to just have a quiet meal now that we’re allowed once again to frequent restaurants. But oh no! She has turned my quiet meal into a political event. She’s been going around all the tables asking people if they’ve been inoculated. I think she means vaccinated. If anyone says they’re not inoculated she points them out to the whole restaurant.

I know the restaurant manager has been out twice and told her to settle down. She’s loud and disruptive. She hasn’t even ordered yet. I think I’ve had enough and will be leaving pretty soon. This is the third time my wife has done this.

1909. Just dessert

Some would say that Ponavenitula Tavite Taumoepeau was a little unethical. When dining at a restaurant it was always the same: “Would you mind ever so terribly if I started with dessert?”

“Of course not, sir,” came the inevitable reply from slightly bemused waiters. It was not unusual for guests to order only dessert. Perhaps they had eaten earlier and been to the theatre or a movie. But to have dessert before the rest of the meal was a little different.

After dessert, Ponavenitula would order the rest of the meal and while the chef prepared the dishes, Ponavenitula would walk out. Disappear. The city had hundreds of restaurants. It was going to take Ponavenitula ages to get through them all.

He worked a fairly stringent system. Wednesday was when his wife went to her bridge evening. She was away for hours. Ponavenitula would make himself some soup-in-a-cup and toast, hop in the car, and head to the next restaurant on his list for dessert. It was an excellent scheme, and such a saving!

Thus far, Ponavenitula must have devoured a free dessert in maybe forty restaurants. You would think he would get caught at least once.

And then the inevitable happened.

He died.

1571. An organized proposal

Adrian and Alan had been in a same-sex relationship for just over three years. Adrian decided it was time to propose. It wasn’t quite clear in such a relationship as to who should do the proposing, but Adrian decided he had waited long enough and so took the matter into his own hands. It was to be a special occasion.

Adrian planned every second of the event. Really, it was all rather exciting! First they would go to the go-cart track (they loved doing that, it was how they met), hire a go-cart each, and race around for half an hour or so to determine who was the superior go-cart driver.

Next, they would go for a wander through the botanical gardens. It was the tulip season and every year they had celebrated tulips by strolling through the gardens at the very peak of flowering. In fact, they so loved the tulip celebration that they had selected two tulips as a symbol of their relationship and had devised a monogram to go on their front door.

After the tulips they would go to a fancy restaurant; not too fancy mind you, because they weren’t exactly made of money, but fancy enough to make things special. They both especially liked “The Plucked Auk” – which ironically never had auk on the menu. Not to worry. Both would inevitably order a hearty steak, rare, in fact, blue.

Finally they would wander down to the estuary and stroll along the winding river path in the evening light. The stars! The moon! It would be then that Adrian would propose. Let’s hope the weather was fine. The forecast said it would be.

Adrian announced to Alan, it being some not particularly important anniversary of something or rather, that he had planned a special afternoon and evening. Such regular celebrations had always been part of their living together.

Well! Would you believe? They were about to leave home when Alan went down on one knee, produced a ring, and said to Adrian, “Will you marry me?”

Some people know how to stuff things up.

1341. Waiter!

Waiter! Take this steak away. You know I always have it rare and this is overcooked. You might as well have served up a piece of charcoal.

Waiter! I like my carrots a little crisp. Take them away and bring some vegetables properly cooked, not something that’s had the living daylights boiled out of it.

Waiter! Were these eggs cooked yesterday? They’re as cold and hard as a rock. Take them away and bring me eggs done the way I like them.

Waiter! You expecting a tip? The service here is appalling. You won’t be getting a dime from me.

So why do you always eat here?

Because this is the only restaurant in town that does things the way I like it.