2213. Twins

(Day 6 of a week of retelling traditional folktales.)

A childless queen was told by a wise old lady that two flowers would grow from underneath her bed.

“Eat one and you shall have a child.”

The queen ate both and bore twin girls. One girl was very beautiful; the other was ugly as sin and rode a goat while waving a wooden spoon. A witch came along and cut off the head of the beautiful twin and replaced the head with a calf’s head. The twins searched the world for the beautiful head and they eventually found it. The girl put her beautiful head back on and the twins escaped to a foreign kingdom.

The king of the kingdom fell in love with the beautiful twin. But the ugly twin would not consent to the marriage unless she herself married the king’s son. The king consented. On the way to the wedding the king’s son was sullen.

The ugly twin said, “Why are you so sullen? Why don’t you ask why I ride a goat?” He asked and the goat turned into a magnificent horse.

The ugly twin asked, “Why don’t you ask why I wave a wooden spoon?” He asked and the wooden spoon turned into a silver wand.

The ugly twin asked, “Why don’t you ask why I am so ugly?” He asked and she was ugly no more. In fact she was the most beautiful princess in the whole, whole world.

(Footnote: Awww).

2207. I Spied: Queen Elizabeth II

(Stories posted on Mondays on this blog – at least for a while – will present famous people I once spotted, albeit from a distance.)

It was 1970. Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip, and youthful Prince Charles and Princess Anne were to visit the Sunken Garden in the city of Napier’s Marine Parade. The Queen had instituted the “walkabout”. She would walk along the street with a barricade preventing subjects from getting too close, and offer a gloved hand to thrilled and glowing underlings spontaneously selected.

Napier is an eastern coastal city half way up New Zealand’s North Island. It is best known for a devastating earthquake in 1931 that killed lots of people. My mother was in it! As the city was completely rebuilt in the 1930s, it is an outstanding example of the Art Deco style of the time. And on the seafront it has a sunken garden with a floral clock.

I lived within biking distance from the sunken garden. In those days you could lean your bike against a lamp post and it would still be there when you came back. My friend said, “Let’s go see the queen.” It had never occurred to me to do that, so we hopped on our bikes and set off.

My friend and I had a technique to get to the front of a crowd, and indeed on this day the crowd lining the street was impassable. We needed to get to the front. In those days the Catholic Mass was in Latin and we had both been altar boys. Separated from each other by a few yards we started calling out Latin to each other as if we were having a conversation in a foreign language (even though we didn’t have a clue what it meant). The crowd stepped aside. We important foreigners walked to the front for a brilliant view.

AND… HERE THEY COME! The queen toddled past to applause followed by Charles and Anne. Prince Philip lagged behind. He clearly too often stopped to chat to people. As he passed the lady next to me called out, “Hey Duke, come over here!” He turned, wagged his finger at her, and said “Aha! Aha!”

Oh my goodness me! That was the day Prince Philip said “Aha! Aha!” and I saw…

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second

1793. Tea

The late King of Thailand had a fairly long name.

Queen: Would you like a cup of tea, Vajiralongkorn Borommachakkrayadisonsantatiwong Thewetthamrongsuboriban Aphikhunuprakanmahittaladunladet Phumiphonnaretwarangkun Kittisirisombunsawangkhawat Borommakhattiyaratchakuman?

King: Yes, darling, that would be lovely.

Queen: Would you like it with milk this time, Vajiralongkorn Borommachakkrayadisonsantatiwong Thewetthamrongsuboriban Aphikhunuprakanmahittaladunladet Phumiphonnaretwarangkun Kittisirisombunsawangkhawat Borommakhattiyaratchakuman, or would you like it without?

King: I’ll have it with milk, thanks darling.

Queen: Sugar, Vajiralongkorn Borommachakkrayadisonsantatiwong Thewetthamrongsuboriban Aphikhunuprakanmahittaladunladet Phumiphonnaretwarangkun Kittisirisombunsawangkhawat Borommakhattiyaratchakuman?

King: Yes.

Queen: One or two lumps, Vajiralongkorn Borommachakkrayadisonsantatiwong Thewetthamrongsuboriban Aphikhunuprakanmahittaladunladet Phumiphonnaretwarangkun Kittisirisombunsawangkhawat Borommakhattiyaratchakuman?

King: Two, thanks.

Queen: Would you like a cookie with that Vajiralongkorn Borommachakkrayadisonsantatiwong Thewetthamrongsuboriban Aphikhunuprakanmahittaladunladet Phumiphonnaretwarangkun Kittisirisombunsawangkhawat Borommakhattiyaratchakuman?

King: Oh for crying out loud; the bloody tea’s gone cold again.

1289. Snob

The Queen of the country made an important announcement: next Thursday she would turn up with her entourage at any house in the kingdom – chosen at random – and have dinner.

Goodness me! Did the country go into a flap? Every household prepared a sumptuous dinner. Windows were cleaned, toilet bowls were brushed, everything was spick and span. What if the Queen came to our little house?

All were ready except apparently for Tommy Ursendoff in his little house in the country. “If she comes here she can sod off,” said Tommy Ursendoff. “I’ll give her a raw carrot and tell her to shove it. I’m not bowing and scraping to some pretentious old git. If she was going to pay, that would be another story altogether.”

You already know, gentle reader, that the inevitable will happen. Out of the millions of houses in the Kingdom, whose house should be chosen at random? Why of course! Lady Brackenbury-ffodalia-Battenberg-Courtney-Weasal was chosen. She was a personal friend of the monarch. Her husband was an Earl. The Queen had a wonderful time devouring fresh strawberries floating in a vanilla sauce.

In the meantime, Tommy Ursendoff had much to say: “She did not come here because she doesn’t like to piss into yesterday’s toilet bowl. She’s a snob of the highest order.”