Bodice and Eunice were two relatively unattractive princesses who were into hats in a big way. They were sisters.
One day a handsome prince came to the castle and Bodice and Eunice were on their best behaviour – he was so handsome. Bodice wore a large hat with fruit on it, whereas Eunice’s hat sported pinecones and fluffy rabbits’ tails. The handsome prince found them relatively unattractive (both the princesses and the hats). When he was offered the hand of either one in marriage he almost spewed his guts out.
He threw a golden ring into the castle’s huge goldfish pond, and said he would marry whoever found the ring – princess or not.
Bodice and Eunice set to work, draining the fishpond and gutting all the fish. No luck. The ring was not to be found. There were fish guts everywhere, and the place stank.
The brother of Bodice and Eunice, whose name was Bevan (you haven’t heard anything of him until now) was walking along near the fishpond, and he saw a man hiding behind a bush.
“Pssst!” said the man behind the bush. He gave Bevan the golden ring. “Show this to the handsome prince.”
The handsome prince was called forth. Bevan showed him what he had been given. The handsome prince looked remarkably like the man behind the bush.
Princess Connie knew that if she didn’t act immediately, the prince from the distant kingdom would fall for a princess in a neighbouring kingdom, and that could spell disaster for her and her eleven brothers. So she threw on her finest robes, had a servant saddle her horse, and rode off ready to capture her prince.
But the neighbouring princess had similar ideas and was also on her carpet prancing about trying to impress the prince, and the prince’s father, who was the king, stepped in and announced that the prince wasn’t really a prince at all but was the illegitimate son of a widow that he had once taken pity on. With that, the neighbouring princess said enough is enough and went back home, because she had no desire to marry a commoner. And then the widow appeared and said that the father of her son was in fact the king of another distant kingdom which was very famous. So the neighbouring princess missed out, and Princess Connie said “Ha! Ha! Ha! Now the real prince is all mine.”
But the prince had already fallen in love with the daughter of the local bread maker, and she had been adopted, as it turned out, and was a princess of a very very VERY wealthy kingdom. So they got married, and had a lot of children, and now there are princes and princesses everywhere, and they’re having a hell of a difficult time trying to marry them all off.
And Princess Connie is just an old spinster, because not even one of the superfluous princes wants to marry someone so old, and the other princess (the one on the carpet) is also a disgruntled old maid.
Once there was a beautiful princess, called Gabriellina. Her hair shone golden as the sun. Her skin was white as fresh snow. Her lips were as red as a ripe near-rotting nectarine. Her breasts (As The Songs of Songs might say) were like a couple of sheep coming out of a sheep dip. This overall combination strikes me as quite ugly, but she wasn’t. She was… woof, woof, woof.
Her father, the king, had promised her hand in marriage to a pig. A pig! A real oink oink oink pig. Not a human being who acted like a pig, but a hog. One that makes bacon. A real grunting boar.
“You never know,” said the king. “The pig is possibly the victim of some horrible spell caste by a gruesome witch. He is really a handsome prince. The spell will be broken when my beautiful princess marries him.”
The wedding was arranged. The kingdom celebrated. There were street parties and everything.
The princess appeared on the balcony with her newly married pig. They kissed. The pig turned into a frog.