1997. Hickory dickory dock

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating a Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb and pulled out four and twenty blackbirds. He said to the Grand Old Duke of York, “What the hell are all these blackbirds doing in my Christmas pie?”

And the Grand Old Duke of York said “I dunno. Ask Little Miss Muffet.” So he did that, and she said, “If he’d been sitting on a tuffet and not in a corner and been eating curds and whey and not gutsing out on Christmas pie none of this would have happened. So there.”

Miss Muffet has always been a little so-and-so. When Humpty-Dumpty fell off his wall and Jack broke his crown, she laughed. Laughed! Like the whole thing was a joke. Same for when Whatya-ma-call-it lost her sheep. And she thought Little Boy Blue blowing his horn was an absolute scream.

After that, I’m not surprised that Lucy Locket lost her pocket, are you? The next thing we’ll hear is that Jack jumped over a candle stick.

What is needed is an old woman who lives in a shoe whipping everyone soundly and sending them to bed without bread. Let them eat broth.

This just goes to prove that blind mouses running up and down houses of government are a bit short of a few hickory dickory docks.

1460. In form

Politician: I want land reform; I want housing reform; I want labour reform; I want educational reform; I want –

Voice: Chloroform.

255. On the rise

Mona had been interested in issues of justice and human rights ever since, at the age of sixteen, she won a United Nations’ essay competition. In it she suggested that a good way to lower the world’s population was to give a free television to low-income males who volunteered to have a vasectomy.

And now she was elected to parliament! Her big concern was for the health of poor families. She introduced a Private Member’s Bill to parliament that banned those cheap roadside vegetable stalls. They were unhealthy. And there was no way the government could tax these cash-only-under-the-table road stalls. Unhealthy too were cheap food stalls at markets and school fundraising galas.

The ban was passed into law. Mona’s political star was on the rise. Next she would tackle the growing problem of poor children coming to school without having eaten. A hefty fine for the parents would perhaps encourage them to feed their kids.