1834. Kitchen spat

“You just have to wonder sometimes where the time goes,” said Dolly to husband, Lyndon. “It’s nearly two weeks now since I started to repaint the kitchen cupboards in the evening and I’m not even half way through.”

“There are two reasons for that,” said Lyndon. “Number One, you’re too fussy; and number two, you talk too much.”

Without any forethought, Dolly picked up the can of paint and threw the contents all over her husband. It wasn’t planned. It was spontaneous. Dolly had had enough of his snide remarks. Lyndon was covered in green pain, as was the kitchen floor and oven.

Lyndon was now angry, and perhaps justifiably so. “You know what?” he said. “You know what? I wasn’t going to tell you until after your birthday, but you’ve blown the surprise. I’m off. I’ll take the car. You keep the house. You catch the bus to where ever the hell you want to go. I’ll rent somewhere.”

“Good riddance!” said Dolly, louder than before. “You’ve been a pain in the proverbial for months. Here I am trying to paint the kitchen cupboards to make the house nice, and you just stand around and criticize. Well I’ll be better on my own. You are the most…“

“Just hold it there,” said Lyndon.

“What?”

“The director said not to get too loud on that passage. It’s more threatening to almost whisper the lines.”

“Oh, that’s right,” said Dolly. “Shall we take it from the top?”

Music 124: At a canter

Not in a hurry, but at play in the sun.

Listen to the music HERE!

841. A final bow?

Alex was into amateur theatre. It couldn’t be said he had the lead role in the latest production. In fact, it couldn’t really be said that he had even a minor role in the latest production. Towards the end of the play, Alex had to carry the front end of a bier onto the stage and place it down solemnly. Someone else carried the back end, and then they would walk off. The body on board had to breathe as little as possible to make it look like a corpse.

Alex was nervous about appearing on stage. After all, despite all the hard work by the cast, the production had a season of just the one night. He’d waited in the back room for three quarters of an hour for his moment to arrive. He played cards while he waited. He’d never been on stage before. He had sweaty hands. What if he dropped the body or something?

Then he heard clapping. It was applause coming from the auditorium. Clearly the audience was enjoying the performance.

What’s this? A standing ovation? But it’s not finished yet, surely?

Alex’s moment of glory had passed without him.

To listen to the story being read click HERE!

38. Ms Warple, drama queen

Jack was sixteen. He disliked school immensely. In fact, he had spent most of the semester trying to get booted out of school. He particularly disliked one of his teachers, Ms Andrea Warple. Ms Warple was into theatre. She was SO dramatic. She had become obsessed with the stage from the moment she had played the part of the Cannibal Queen in the local repertory society’s annual production. She got a standing ovation. Now she was an expert, and SOOOOO dramatic.

“You see, students,” she enthused to her class, “you must be born into the theatre, you must breath drama, it must become a way of life. I can teach you how from personal experience.”

With that, she set an assignment for her students. Each must write a five minute play. Each must be a character in their own play.

“And I promise you. Each play will be staged. I shall direct them myself and turn them into masterpieces. I shall act in them personally if you make me the main character — to show you how it’s done.” Her sumptuous bosom heaved a sigh of satisfaction.

Jack wrote his play and handed it in. Here it is:

The curtain opens to the sun rising over a primeval forest. A Tyrannosaurus rex enters. A Pterodactyl flies by. A passing Triceratops comes up through the audience and on to the stage. A Brachiosaurus grazes in the corner.

Ms Andrea Warple enters.

Ms Warple: Help! Help! I was in the shower and a time warp occurred. I have been flung into this prehistoric primeval forest. Has anyone seen my towel? Has anyone seen my clothes?

Jack enters.

Jack: (pointing) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

The End.