Tag Archives: pipe

1916. Why don’t you suck eggs?

I paid good money to a tree doctor to have the dead tree cut down and taken away that was disfiguring my garden lawn. And what happened? The idiot cut down the wrong tree. He’s not going to get paid.

“You’re not getting paid,” I told him. “You’ve cut down the wrong tree.”

“You’ll pay me or else,” he said. “I cut down the tree you pointed out.”

“You’re not getting paid, and that’s that,” I said.

“Lady, why don’t you suck eggs?”

Well, that settled that. I’m not going to have a bigoted lumberjack cut down my wrong tree and tell me to suck eggs. Who does he think he is? Does he think he’s Lord Muck of Egypt or what? He can put his chainsaw in his pipe and smoke it.

All that was seven years ago. I still can’t mow my lawn. Sometimes I wish I’d never married him.

1121. A piece of polythene pipe

(This is the third of the Science Fiction stories to commemorate Science Fiction Day. Science Fiction Day is celebrated each year on Isaac Asimov’s birthday: January 2nd. Ok ok – haven’t you heard of a Time Warp?)

It was late in the evening. Gregory watched the alien spacecraft land behind some trees at the back of his property. Seeing alien craft was almost commonplace, although no one had seen an alien itself. It was still exciting though, and mysterious.

There was a knock on Gregory’s door. An old man in a tie and jacket was standing there.

“Good evening,” said Gregory.

“Pipe,” said the old man.

“A pipe to smoke or polythene…” said Gregory.

“Pipe,” said the old man.

Gregory could see that the old man wasn’t what appeared. It was a fancy dress. Even his hands were artificial. There was an alien beneath. Gregory pretended not to notice.

“I think I have bits of polythene pipe in my shed,” said Gregory. “Follow me.”

The right piece of polythene of the right length was found. The old man tried to offer money.

“No charge,” said Gregory, “Look, I know you’re an alien so you don’t have to pretend. You probably need the pipe to fix your spacecraft. Just do one thing: remember me. Remember me.”

And indeed Gregory was remembered! When the aliens took over Earth, Gregory was the only human shot immediately. All others were subjected to a slow and excruciating torture before extermination.