Tag Archives: parents

1897. The maze

It really was rather annoying. It was wearing her parents down to a frazzle. Aurelia wanted to try the local hedge maze. She was only nine years old. She wanted to do it on her own.

It was summer time. Every time they drove passed the maze place Aurelia would pester her parents.

“Can I go in the maze on my own?”
“I want to go in the maze.”
“Let me do the maze.”
“Monica went in the maze.”
“Muriel went in the maze.”
“Why am I the only one not to have done the maze?”

Enough is enough! Aurelia’s mother stopped the car (she was driving).

“Here’s four dollars,” said her father. “We’ll pick you up in an hour.”

That was seventeen hours ago.

1862. Large family

Hi. My name is Nona. My mother named me that. My father apparently didn’t like the name much because it means “ninth” and I happened to be only the third.

“But I want a Nona,” said my mother.

“Who the hell is going to pay for all those babies if we have nine?” asked my father. So my mother, not to be stymied by silly particulars, named me Nona even though I was only number three.

These days Nona is not a very common name, mainly I suspect because people don’t have large families anymore and to get up to nine children could be scorned upon by the disparaging masses. I like having a not-so-common name. I have a younger brother called Octavius and an even younger sister called Decima.

Once my father abandoned the family, not long after I was born, my mother met my stepfather. By the time my mother and stepfather had reached number nine they couldn’t use Nona so they named number nine after the number three because three hadn’t been used. That is why I have a younger sister called Triana. Strictly speaking I should have been named Triana and my sister named Nona.

People these days stare if we all go out together. Just the other day my mother took all ten of us to the zoo and we went by bus. No sooner had we all sat down than an old lady asked my mother in a very loud voice, “Are they all yours, Sweetie?”

My mother said, Yes” and the old lady said “Goodness, that’s a lot. Aren’t you embarrassed?” I was so mortified.

When we got home from the zoo I heard my mother ask my stepfather what the Latin name was for Eleven.

1819. The child prodigy

(Warning: there could be swearing)

Cornelius Dresdomida-Heregofinsopt was the most astonishing child prodigy since Adam was a boy. He was a musician. His two main instruments were piano and piccolo. You wouldn’t believe what he could do with a piccolo! Astonishing!

Since the age of five he had shown a remarkable talent for piano, and he celebrated his tenth birthday by playing Dmitri Smith’s 14th Piano Concerto in A minor accompanied by the Ulaanbaatar Symphony Orchestra.

Reviews were stunning. The fact that he played one of his own compositions as an encore proved that the world was on the cusp of discovering a talent so divine it made Bach look like a headless chicken.

Cornelius went on to become one of the greats of all time. Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Dresdomida-Heregofinsopt tripped off everyone’s tongue. Not only that, but he became the richest musician ever to hit the world stage. He was regarded as a phenomenon; a living icon; the incarnation of Michael the Archangel. Then he died, well into his eighties, leaving a body of work so vast that people were in disbelief.

Except none of this happened. Because when he was five years old and asked his parents if he could learn the piano, his father simply said, “No kid of mine is going to grow up a fuckin’ pansy.”

And that was that.

1791. Trip of a life time

(This will be the first of two postings today because I’m fixing up the numbering system and having two postings on one day is the easiest way to do it! Sorry about that – I usually have a personal rule of only one posting a day!)

Philippa’s parents went overseas on the trip of a life time. What to do with seven year old Philippa? I know, said Philippa’s mother, she can stay with Aunt Sylvia.

Aunt Sylvia can she stay for around two months? And can she bring her cat?

My apartment is very small but of course she can bring her cat. I have a cat myself. They will be company for each other.

Philippa’s cat is very young; barely out of the kitten stage.

After two weeks she was pregnant. Not Philippa, silly. Not Aunt Sylvia; she was seventy-two. The cat! Within two months the cat had three kittens. They were so cute! One of them looked remarkably like Aunt Sylvia’s cat – which was impossible because Mephistopholes had been neutered.

One day, after several weeks, while Philippa was at school, Aunt Sylvia took the kittens to the pet shop. But the pet shop was overcrowded as were all the other places that cared for cats. Aunt Sylvia took them to the veterinarian. Vets always cost the earth.

Philippa came home from school. Oh! cried Aunt Sylvia. She was very upset. The cat must have been too young to produce enough milk. Shall we bury them in the garden and plant some flowers?

They did that, and the following week Aunt Sylvia was so relieved when Philippa’s parents came home from their trip of a life time.

1771. Breakfast announcement

Children! Children! Continue to eat you breakfast but listen while I’m talking.

Johnny Sunderland! Get back to your place and eat you cornflakes and stop messing around.

As you know, this institution is called an orphanage although not everyone here is an orphan. Some of you have parents but you’ve ended up here for different reasons. Some of your parents are on drugs; some of you are here because your parents didn’t like you; some of you are here simply because your parents are too sick to take proper care of you.

That is the case for Johnny Sunderland. His mother was dying of cancer so Johnny came here to be cared for properly. Johnny Sunderland! Would you sit down and stop messing around. Listen, because this announcement concerns you.

I want you to be particularly nice to Johnny today because his mother died last night. Johnny Sunderland, sit down! I will see you in my office after you’ve finished breakfast.

1736. The child can decide

When Valerie and Kent’s first baby arrived in this world they had trouble deciding on a name. Valerie wanted a transgender name such as Kim or Les; an accepted and known name but one that belonged to both females and males. Kent also wanted a transgender name but one with a bit of originality such as Oak or Marble or Peninsula. The child could decide once old enough what it wanted to be called. In the end Kent won out and they provisionally named the child Reverberation Mannequin Crenshaw-Maidstone.

The child was given a naming ceremony, but Valerie and Kent had trouble deciding where that should be held. A church, of course, was out, but the grounds of a park next to a lake with ducks and swans and weeping willows sounded good. In the end the park idea verged on Pantheism, so they invited a few friends around to their back yard and held the ceremony next to a tin fence. The child could decide once old enough what it really wanted to believe and from the beginning Valeria and Kent, by choice of venue, didn’t want to precondition the child into receiving and believing perceived hang-ups.

As the child grew and reached school age, Valerie and Kent decided against formal school education; they would home school Reverberation. A school would shove the child into stereotypical confinements. Although the government demanded certain topics to be covered in the curriculum, Valerie and Kent didn’t want to ram bigoted information down Reverberation’s throat. The child should be able to decide once old enough what interested it and what it should and shouldn’t know.

All this was years ago. These days Reverberation is a professional athlete and goes under the more practical name of Organic Fire. Organic is a lot easier to spell than Reverberation; and Organic’s partner, Zen Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff Ng, doesn’t have to look up how to spell Organic’s name every time an application is made for psychiatric hospital visitation.

1654. A secret revealed

(Thanks to badfinger20 of PowerPop… An Eclectic Collection of Pop Culture for the opening sentence).

Nine-year-old Marty secretly buried a box next to his parent’s house. Why? I hear you ask. And what was in the box? Even though it’s secret, some of us are party to the information. But first, we must backtrack a little to provide some context.

Marty had lived an eventful nine years. He had been shuffled from one foster home to another. Eventually he was claimed and adopted by his biological parents who regretted giving him up nine years earlier. What became obvious very quickly was the reason they had given Marty up for adoption in the first place: they were incompetent parents.

Neither parent worked. Mom got drunk every night. Dad was hardly ever home; he was out doing whatever it is that grownups do. Marty was always hungry. In many ways he was the only sensible person in the household.

Anyway, he had no trouble getting rid of the bodies. It was the tell-tale kitchen carving knife he was most worried about.

1647. Spoiled brat

It couldn’t be denied: Anne and Stanley were rich. When they married it was rich family marries rich family. Not only were they both from “old rich” families, but both were successful business people who with the moneyed kick-start were able to qualify as “new rich” as well.

They had a daughter, Esme. Just the one child and she was the biggest spoilt brat on the planet. Anne and Stanley, although they feared it was too late, knew they were responsible for their daughter’s overindulgence and decided they had better do something about it. They were going to say “No!” in no uncertain terms to Esme’s next “I want” request. They didn’t have to wait long.

“Mummy, can I have another doll?”

“No!”

“Daddy, can I have another doll?”

“No!”

“Why do you hate me?” screamed Esme. She went out to the incinerator and threw all of her ninety-six dolls in the fire.

So there!

1622. A study in ennui

It certainly produces ennui when stuck inside on a rainy day. In fact, Syd had stayed in bed with the curtains drawn. The only thing that would happen if he got up would be to have breakfast before discovering that there was “nothing to do”. He wasn’t allowed much time on his phone, he wasn’t allowed much time watching videos, he wasn’t allowed much time on his computer, he wasn’t allowed much time doing sweet nothing. And now his parents were telling him to “go look for a summer job during the holiday time.” His parents sucked. The world sucked. It was hosing down outside. He might as well stay in bed. So he did.

When his father came home around one in the afternoon he went into Syd’s room and said “Get out of bed you lazy sod and do something useful.” Syd saw red and leapt out of bed and he and his father had a shouting match. Syd threw on some clothes and stormed out of the house.

What Syd’s father then said to Syd’s mother shouldn’t necessarily appear here unedited. But he swore that their next two sons would have their teenage years circumvented and they’d go from age eleven to twenty-two in one go. It’s a wonder the falling rain outside didn’t steam and hiss and evaporate once it hit the roof of the Maddock household. Syd’s father mowed the lawn in the rain he was so fed up to the back teeth. Then he tidied the garage. Then he fixed the broken cupboard door handle in the kitchen.

When dinner time came Syd came home and everything was normal.

1498. Hi Magdalen

Hi Magdalen
This’ll have to be a quick note because my wife’s due home any minute. I just want to say that little Julia is loving being in your class. She came home singing Little Bo Peep and Mary Had a Little Lamb. I also wanted to say that I’m pretty upset about the rumours of you having an affair with one of the parents. If my name gets out I won’t be at all happy. Hopefully we can carry on. Speaking of which – when’s the next parents’ interview evening?
Herb McCauley

Hi Magdalen
This’ll have to be a quick note because my wife’s due home any minute. I just want to say that little Archie is loving being in your class. He came home singing Little Bo Peep and Mary Had a Little Lamb. I also wanted to say that I’m pretty upset about the rumours of you having an affair with one of the parents. If my name gets out I won’t be at all happy. Hopefully we can carry on. Speaking of which – when’s the next parents’ interview evening?
Clive McCormick

Hi Magdalen
This’ll have to be a quick note because my wife’s due home any minute. I just want to say that little Francesca is loving being in your class. She came home singing Little Bo Peep and Mary Had a Little Lamb. I also wanted to say that I’m pretty upset about the rumours of you having an affair with one of the parents. If my name gets out I won’t be at all happy. Hopefully we can carry on. Speaking of which – when’s the next parents’ interview evening?
Jack Flanagan

Hi Magdalen
This’ll have to be a quick note because my wife’s due home any minute. I just want to say that little Bart is loving being in your class. He came home singing Little Bo Peep and Mary Had a Little Lamb. I also wanted to say that I’m pretty upset about the rumours of you having an affair with one of the parents. If my name gets out I won’t be at all happy. Hopefully we can carry on. Speaking of which – when’s the next parents’ interview evening?
Ivan Ainsworth

Dear Parents
I’m happy to announce that Clarissa Dobbs will be the replacement teacher while Magdalen
is on maternity leave.
Charles Allen
Principal