Tag Archives: parents

2241. A snarling snake

When Alison got the tattoo on her right buttock she was terrified her parents would find out. The tattoo was of a snarling snake crawling in and out of a skull. It was to let her ex-boyfriend know what she thought about him. How he would find out is anyone’s guess.

Alison’s parents had absolutely forbidden her to get a tattoo – “You can get a tattoo when you turn eighteen, but at present being only fourteen is too young to know what you want permanently on your arms.”  But fourteen year old Alison took things into her own hands and got her buttock tattooed where no one could see – well not her parents anyway.

It was quite fun for a week at school, sharing with her friends and giving friends a peek. Rather quickly the admiration wore off.

When she turned eighteen Alison paid the earth to get the tattoo removed.

2188. Talula Does the Hula

It was preposterous, said the judge. The poor little girl’s parents had named her Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii. The parents must have been drunk when they settled on a name. The little girl had told everyone that her name was Kay. Few knew that her registered name was Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii.

Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii was currently the victim of a custody battle, which is why she came to court and her name came to light.

The mother explained that Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii was conceived in Honolulu while they were on vacation. It was normal in her culture to name a child after something significant that occurred from conception until birth. Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii seemed reasonable at the time.

The father during the custody battle was nowhere to be seen. Your explanation seems reasonable, said the judge. I hereby award Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii to the custody of her mother, Hole In The Condom.

2133. To do away with parents

When Philby murdered his parents it had a profound effect on his siblings.

Gadsby, the oldest brother, put it in plainest terms on behalf of the others: “It’s not that you did it, it’s the way you did it.”

To have got into the family van and rammed into a power pole with just his parents between the van and the pole seemed accidental enough. But accidental it wasn’t.

“We know it wasn’t accidental,” said Shelby, the oldest sister. “It’s too much a coincidence to be accidental.”

“I’ve a good mind to report this planned murder to the police,” said Hannahby, the next sister down. “It was callous and thoughtless.”

“You can’t tell me we’re not pleased,” said Alanby, the youngest sibling. “We’re all victims of their abuse one way or another. Just the other day I was threatened with punishment for not tidying my room. But it’s how you did it. Shocking.”

“Disgusting is more the word,” said Gadsby. “Next time, and of course there can’t be a next time, just make sure you warn us first so we can all get into the van.”

2012. Traditional wedding plans

Amanda was a solo mother. She had the one daughter, Anita, who was eighteen. Amanda knew that one day, perhaps sooner than later, Anita would get married. She knew that although Anita would say it doesn’t matter she really would like to have a lovely wedding. Nothing lavish; but a lovely wedding with flowers and pretty clothes and a modest but enjoyable feast. Of course, Amanda didn’t have much money but she had saved little bits for a long time. In fact, every Saturday Amanda would sell herbs growing in pots at the town’s Saturday Street Market. It was a dollar here and a dollar there.

Nineteen years earlier, Amanda had got married. She had always dreamed of a wedding. It ended up being “a rushed job” because Anita was on the way. Two weeks later, Kevin was killed in a car accident. It was partly why Amanda was determined to give Anita the best wedding possible.

Suddenly, an engagement was announced! Fintan was the loveliest. Amanda couldn’t have wished for a better possible son-in-law! His father was a lawyer, and Fintan was in his first year practising as a family doctor. Amanda couldn’t wait to meet his parents!

His parents said they’d pay for the wedding drinks; that was the tradition, and Amanda would pay for the rest. They suggested they limit the invited guests to two hundred each. Amanda said she didn’t think she knew that many people, and Fintan’s parents said that it was a good thing because they could invite more on their side to make up the numbers. It was, after all, a society wedding. He was an important lawyer in the town. Things had to be done properly.

What a mess it was for Amanda! What stress! She would have to tell Fintan’s parents that she couldn’t afford it. But first she would have to tell the happy couple.

Anita and Fintan laughed! They had a solution! They’d already thought it out. They were eloping. Tomorrow. And they did!

Fintan was disinherited. It didn’t matter too much because his medical practice flourished. These days Amanda has three grandchildren to help her on Saturdays at her herb stall. Fintan’s parents have no grandchildren; well, none that they care to know.

1897. The maze

It really was rather annoying. It was wearing her parents down to a frazzle. Aurelia wanted to try the local hedge maze. She was only nine years old. She wanted to do it on her own.

It was summer time. Every time they drove passed the maze place Aurelia would pester her parents.

“Can I go in the maze on my own?”
“I want to go in the maze.”
“Let me do the maze.”
“Monica went in the maze.”
“Muriel went in the maze.”
“Why am I the only one not to have done the maze?”

Enough is enough! Aurelia’s mother stopped the car (she was driving).

“Here’s four dollars,” said her father. “We’ll pick you up in an hour.”

That was seventeen hours ago.

1862. Large family

Hi. My name is Nona. My mother named me that. My father apparently didn’t like the name much because it means “ninth” and I happened to be only the third.

“But I want a Nona,” said my mother.

“Who the hell is going to pay for all those babies if we have nine?” asked my father. So my mother, not to be stymied by silly particulars, named me Nona even though I was only number three.

These days Nona is not a very common name, mainly I suspect because people don’t have large families anymore and to get up to nine children could be scorned upon by the disparaging masses. I like having a not-so-common name. I have a younger brother called Octavius and an even younger sister called Decima.

Once my father abandoned the family, not long after I was born, my mother met my stepfather. By the time my mother and stepfather had reached number nine they couldn’t use Nona so they named number nine after the number three because three hadn’t been used. That is why I have a younger sister called Triana. Strictly speaking I should have been named Triana and my sister named Nona.

People these days stare if we all go out together. Just the other day my mother took all ten of us to the zoo and we went by bus. No sooner had we all sat down than an old lady asked my mother in a very loud voice, “Are they all yours, Sweetie?”

My mother said, Yes” and the old lady said “Goodness, that’s a lot. Aren’t you embarrassed?” I was so mortified.

When we got home from the zoo I heard my mother ask my stepfather what the Latin name was for Eleven.

1819. The child prodigy

(Warning: there could be swearing)

Cornelius Dresdomida-Heregofinsopt was the most astonishing child prodigy since Adam was a boy. He was a musician. His two main instruments were piano and piccolo. You wouldn’t believe what he could do with a piccolo! Astonishing!

Since the age of five he had shown a remarkable talent for piano, and he celebrated his tenth birthday by playing Dmitri Smith’s 14th Piano Concerto in A minor accompanied by the Ulaanbaatar Symphony Orchestra.

Reviews were stunning. The fact that he played one of his own compositions as an encore proved that the world was on the cusp of discovering a talent so divine it made Bach look like a headless chicken.

Cornelius went on to become one of the greats of all time. Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Dresdomida-Heregofinsopt tripped off everyone’s tongue. Not only that, but he became the richest musician ever to hit the world stage. He was regarded as a phenomenon; a living icon; the incarnation of Michael the Archangel. Then he died, well into his eighties, leaving a body of work so vast that people were in disbelief.

Except none of this happened. Because when he was five years old and asked his parents if he could learn the piano, his father simply said, “No kid of mine is going to grow up a fuckin’ pansy.”

And that was that.

1791. Trip of a life time

(This will be the first of two postings today because I’m fixing up the numbering system and having two postings on one day is the easiest way to do it! Sorry about that – I usually have a personal rule of only one posting a day!)

Philippa’s parents went overseas on the trip of a life time. What to do with seven year old Philippa? I know, said Philippa’s mother, she can stay with Aunt Sylvia.

Aunt Sylvia can she stay for around two months? And can she bring her cat?

My apartment is very small but of course she can bring her cat. I have a cat myself. They will be company for each other.

Philippa’s cat is very young; barely out of the kitten stage.

After two weeks she was pregnant. Not Philippa, silly. Not Aunt Sylvia; she was seventy-two. The cat! Within two months the cat had three kittens. They were so cute! One of them looked remarkably like Aunt Sylvia’s cat – which was impossible because Mephistopholes had been neutered.

One day, after several weeks, while Philippa was at school, Aunt Sylvia took the kittens to the pet shop. But the pet shop was overcrowded as were all the other places that cared for cats. Aunt Sylvia took them to the veterinarian. Vets always cost the earth.

Philippa came home from school. Oh! cried Aunt Sylvia. She was very upset. The cat must have been too young to produce enough milk. Shall we bury them in the garden and plant some flowers?

They did that, and the following week Aunt Sylvia was so relieved when Philippa’s parents came home from their trip of a life time.

1771. Breakfast announcement

Children! Children! Continue to eat you breakfast but listen while I’m talking.

Johnny Sunderland! Get back to your place and eat you cornflakes and stop messing around.

As you know, this institution is called an orphanage although not everyone here is an orphan. Some of you have parents but you’ve ended up here for different reasons. Some of your parents are on drugs; some of you are here because your parents didn’t like you; some of you are here simply because your parents are too sick to take proper care of you.

That is the case for Johnny Sunderland. His mother was dying of cancer so Johnny came here to be cared for properly. Johnny Sunderland! Would you sit down and stop messing around. Listen, because this announcement concerns you.

I want you to be particularly nice to Johnny today because his mother died last night. Johnny Sunderland, sit down! I will see you in my office after you’ve finished breakfast.

1736. The child can decide

When Valerie and Kent’s first baby arrived in this world they had trouble deciding on a name. Valerie wanted a transgender name such as Kim or Les; an accepted and known name but one that belonged to both females and males. Kent also wanted a transgender name but one with a bit of originality such as Oak or Marble or Peninsula. The child could decide once old enough what it wanted to be called. In the end Kent won out and they provisionally named the child Reverberation Mannequin Crenshaw-Maidstone.

The child was given a naming ceremony, but Valerie and Kent had trouble deciding where that should be held. A church, of course, was out, but the grounds of a park next to a lake with ducks and swans and weeping willows sounded good. In the end the park idea verged on Pantheism, so they invited a few friends around to their back yard and held the ceremony next to a tin fence. The child could decide once old enough what it really wanted to believe and from the beginning Valeria and Kent, by choice of venue, didn’t want to precondition the child into receiving and believing perceived hang-ups.

As the child grew and reached school age, Valerie and Kent decided against formal school education; they would home school Reverberation. A school would shove the child into stereotypical confinements. Although the government demanded certain topics to be covered in the curriculum, Valerie and Kent didn’t want to ram bigoted information down Reverberation’s throat. The child should be able to decide once old enough what interested it and what it should and shouldn’t know.

All this was years ago. These days Reverberation is a professional athlete and goes under the more practical name of Organic Fire. Organic is a lot easier to spell than Reverberation; and Organic’s partner, Zen Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff Ng, doesn’t have to look up how to spell Organic’s name every time an application is made for psychiatric hospital visitation.