2428. Sometimes it’s better not to know

Ivar had just recently celebrated his birthday. The celebration had been a pleasant occasion. His three grown children had visited. They all gave little gifts, for example Ross, the youngest, had given him a card with four raffle tickets for a brand new car. The tickets didn’t win anything but it was the thought that counts!

Then several days later Ross tuned up – just passing – in a brand new expensive car.

“Where did you get that from?” asked Ivar.

“You know that raffle I gave you the tickets for?” said Ross. “I took a couple for myself and won! Isn’t it a beauty?”

It was indeed! Ross took his father for a quick spin around the block. Amazing!

When Ross had gone Ivar rummaged through the waste bin and found his four raffle tickets. The numbers were 43941, 43942, 43944, and 43945. The missing number, 43943, had been the winning number.

Ivar never said beep to anyone. Sometimes it’s better not to know.

2374. Father’s frustration

If you kids don’t stop arguing I’ll do the dishes myself.

2373. Mother’s frustration

If your father was still alive he’d be turning in his grave.

2148. Rest in peace

When widower Michael died he left in his will (apart from a few practical things) a beautiful recommendation to his five adult children:

Treat one another and care for one another as I would care for you all if I was still alive.

Mona said that since she had looked after their father in the last two months of his life she had full right to get a greater share of their father’s savings.

Colin said that since Preston lived in Australia, apart from the occasional communication, he deserved little in the way of inheritance. He might as well not have existed.

Preston said that on the contrary; he may have lived in Australia but he maintained more contact with his father than a number who lived close by. Inez, for example, lived only ten minutes away from their father and never visited.

Inez said that as far as she was concerned Adele wasn’t entitled to any of the inheritance. We have watched her and her husband squander their life’s savings on drink, and I’m not going to watch father’s well-earned money get flushed down the toilet.

Adele said that she had been her father’s favourite and it was only fair that she should get father’s house. Besides, Mona’s oldest son was in rehab for drug taking. That alone should count Mona out.

Colin said Adele could buy the four-fifths of the house that wasn’t hers; he wanted the car.

Mona reckoned…

Whatever… court cases are pending.

1999. Rich kids

Roman was one of those rich, spoiled, has-everything young men who at age twenty-three lived in his mansion with a swimming pool and drove a sports car around for no reason other than to impress.

His bed was gigantic and with the push of a button the ceiling would open and expose the night sky. Enough is enough in this description; imagine a luxury and it was his.

All his wealth came from his squandering parents. Who needs an education when you’ve got money? Who needs a job when you’ve got money? Indolence was Roman’s middle name. He didn’t like his parents much. In fact, they were a bit of a nuisance at times.

The problem was that Roman was prone to boredom. On his own bat he created and built the most extravagant out door bar around his swimming pool. To be fair, it was genuinely impressive. Every type of glass, every type of bottle, every type of olive and orange zest, was on display. Such extravagance was instantly marvelled at the minute a visitor pulled into the driveway. What use are riches if they can’t be seen?

One day Roman met Yelena. She was from a rich family too, so sumptuousness wasn’t a novelty for her. She was just the right sort of woman for Roman. And he kind of liked her. He picked her up on the first date in his cacky-yellow Lamborghini. (Many rich people have no idea of class).

After three dates they were inseparable. After four dates, wonder of wonders! Roman let Yelena drive his Lamborghini. Not fast of course, but tentatively and with prudence. If she wanted speed, he would have to drive.

What excitement! Yelena drove twice around the block with Roman as a passenger. She pulled into the driveway. Roman patted her on the knee and her foot slipped. The car rushed forward at a tumultuous speed (2.9 seconds from zero to 100 kph) and smashed Roman’s personally made bar to smithereens, landing the Lamborghini in the swimming pool.

Imagine the rage! Imagine the disbelief! Imagine the cursing (no don’t)! Imagine trying to resurrect a relationship after that! But they didn’t have to try to resurrect a thing; they both drowned.

1858. Jack the giant killer

Jack the Giant Killer is an English fairy tale and legend about a young adult who slays a number of bad giants during King Arthur’s reign. The tale is characterised by violence, gore and blood-letting. Giants are prominent in Cornish folklore, Breton mythology and Welsh Bardic lore. Some parallels to elements and incidents in Norse mythology have been detected in the tale, and the trappings of Jack’s last adventure with the Giant Galigantus suggest parallels with French and Breton fairy tales such as Bluebeard. Jack’s belt is similar to the belt in The Valiant Little Tailor, and his magical sword, shoes, cap, and cloak are similar to those owned by Tom Thumb or those found in Welsh and Norse mythology.

Jack and his tale are rarely referenced in English literature prior to the eighteenth century (there is an allusion to Jack the Giant Killer in Shakespeare’s King Lear, where in Act 3, one character, Edgar, in his feigned madness, cries, “Fie, foh, and fum,/ I smell the blood of a British man”). Jack’s story did not appear in print until 1711. It is probably an enterprising publisher assembled a number of anecdotes about giants to form the 1711 tale. One scholar speculates the public had grown weary of King Arthur – the greatest of all giant killers – and Jack was created to fill his shoes. Henry Fielding, John Newbery, Samuel Johnson, Boswell, and William Cowper were familiar with the tale.

“Mummy, could you just get on with reading the story?”

1402. A disappointment

My daughter wants to become a nun. A bloody nun. I said to her why don’t you go get yourself pregnant like other girls your age and give me some grandkids. Mess around a bit, I said. Live it up a bit. I thought once she got into the business of playing around with the guys in the pub she’d change her mind. But she said she wants to become a nun.

I don’t know what’s got into the modern generation. Kids these days are so disappointing.

1104. A turning

James was driving along quite comfortably. His three year old daughter was strapped into a safety seat in the back.

James needed to make a turn into a side street. He had plenty of time to turn, even though there was an oncoming car travelling at speed towards him.

Just as he turned two young skateboarders began to cross the road right in front of him. No warning; nothing. They hadn’t even looked. James had to make an instant decision: does he screech to a halt in the middle of the turn and avoid the skateboarders, or does he plough into the skateboarders and prevent his daughter in the back from being struck by the approaching speeding car?

A parent’s instinct is stronger than anything else. The court case is next week.