2290. Hello! Anybody there?

As I walked up my garden path I heard piano music emanating from my living room. I didn’t have a piano so it must be a recording. The problem was, I live alone and there should be no one else in the house. Besides, I would never have left the window open.

I entered my front door and called out a hearty “Hello!” No one answered so I called out again. “Anybody there?”  Again no one answered. The piano music continued.

Another strange thing was that I didn’t possess any recordings of piano music. In fact I think it’s a hideous instrument. It clashes and bangs and it’s really a fancy drum that can play tunes.

“Hello! Anybody there?”

I entered the living room and saw no one. I turned off the music player. I had a bit of trouble turning it off because I so rarely use it. There’s that many knobs and buttons and I don’t have a clue what most of them are for. Eventually I found the off switch.

After that I went through every room in the house.

“Hello! Anybody there?”

I found no one. This was all several months ago. Over time I’ve got used to the idea that it happened. It’s a bit of a mystery. It was probably some sort of piano-loving intruder. But then this morning…

As I walked up my garden path I heard piano music emanating from my living room. This time I’m telling the psychiatrist.

1632. Predator control

(WARNING: Like at most rallies this speech contains obscenities).

I find your presence here in this auditorium stifling. There are four hundred and twenty-four of you present in this one room. Have you considered how overwhelming this is to those with autism? And you’re acting as if no one in the world suffers from claustrophobia. There are no windows in this auditorium. The air conditioning simply instils panic and alarm in sufferers. We must be attentive to the needs of others.

Excuse me. Yes. You. The lady in the pink cardigan. Would you mind not making little comments behind your hand to the person beside you. Not only are you spreading germs on your hand, but the hubbub of noise alarms those of us who are sensitive to unwanted noise. How can we concentrate on the speaker? To say nothing of the applause. Clapping must surely be one of the most insensitive mannerisms invented. Please simply wave your arms in silence. No? Yes you in the ripped jeans. When I say wave your arms I didn’t mean guns. Which should be banned. I would ask security to accompany you outside. With that attitude you should be lined up against a wall and shot.

I find it threatening that so many of you are sitting facing the stage. Turn around and face the back of the auditorium like civilized people. It’s male dominance which produces this obsession with having their penises face the speaker. Everything is to do with masculine in-your-face arrogance. The front the front the front. All males are to turn around and face the back! In fact, a nearby venue has been set up and I would request everyone move to the hall across the road so as not to be so intimidating and aggressive and toxic. We’ll have none of that cock and bull nonsense that’s been going on for centuries.

That’s better. Now that we have an empty hall I can get on with my speech. Need I remind you, if there are any questions, that you are not to use any sexist pronouns? We must be welcoming here to all. We are not racist or homophobic or xenophobic like those horrible fucking inhospitable bastards who do nothing but instil fucking hatred in society. They should be shot along with every other white supremacist on the planet who refuse to piss in a transgender bathroom because of the fucking hostility they hold to those who are not like them.

Now can we continue? The chairperson of the National Poultry Association has asked me to speak at this convention on Predator Control When Raising Chickens.

1248. Toot! Toot!

What a relief it was (at last! at last!) in this noise polluted world, to celebrate the arrival of silent cars.

You’ve no idea how many pedestrians got run over.