Tag Archives: names

2435.  Jack’s babies

Jack Higgins had three daughters – April Higgins, May Higgins, and June Higgins. He was fast running out of appropriate month’s names for girls. What a relief it was to at last have a boy whom he named August Higgins. The names had little to do with the months they were born. The names were used simply because it was cute.

The middle names were another matter altogether. The middle names were the surnames of the fathers. There was April Dyer Higgins, May Butterworth Higgins, June Abbot Higgins, and August Bain Higgins. It was a good way to remember whose child was whose.

Jack was expecting again. The middle name was all settled – Verdonk-Bocxe. He got the name out of the paper because he didn’t know the name of the father. But as for the first name, Jack was in a quandary. It was impossible. Any suggestions?

2359.  An unsavoury revenge

Thingamabob (I won’t use her proper name for fear of being accused of advertising) had a lovely first name until a business company used the word as a brand of breakfast cereal. Her parents had made up the name because they liked the way it sounded. After the branding of the breakfast cereal, Thingamabob didn’t stand a chance. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry would crack a joke about breakfast cereal. All jokes were corny. Thingamabob was sad. She was only fifteen years old. It is sad to see a fifteen-year old sad.

Thingamabob wrote a letter to the breakfast cereal company explaining how they had ruined her lovely name. She received a rude reply from a Ms Pamela Draper, the Company Director: “Go jump in the lake you silly girl.” Thingamabob never forgot (nor forgave) the harsh response.

It just so happened, not too many years into the future, that Thingamabob was the publicity director of a large toilet paper manufacturing company. They needed a new name for a product. The jingle was catchy and accompanied by a full orchestra:

When in need of toilet paper
Wipe your bum with Pamela Draper.

The brand became very popular.

2338. Detestable name

Ahunikiritu Wednesday Eenshuistra-Kouwenhoven hated her name. When one is lumbered with a useless name at birth there seems to be very little one can do about it other than wait until one is old enough and then pay to have it changed. And that is exactly what Ahunikiritu Wednesday Eenshuistra-Kouwenhoven did! In fact, she so despised her name that she changed it on her very birthday.

For years people had misspelled it or mistyped it. Some seemed to think that to spell it with a “y” instead of an “i” was a more up market interpretation. Perhaps it looked more Polish – which of course it wasn’t.

Then there was the business of mispronunciation. You’d think the name was common enough (at least parts of it) for people to generally get the pronunciation right. Her surname seemed to give the most trouble. But no! Half the time for the first eighteen years of her life Ahunikiritu Wednesday Eenshuistra-Kouwenhoven didn’t even realize that people were addressing her and not someone else in the room.

So now the relief! All was changed! That was the end of that horrid, plain name of Jane Smith that half the world mispronounced as Jane Smyth. It was the beginning of a new era! Welcome to the world Ahunikiritu Wednesday Eenshuistra-Kouwenhoven!

2239. What’s in a name?

When Mr and Mrs Flowers had their first baby they thought it would be cute to name their daughter after flowers. They called her Rose Violet Flowers. The second child was also a girl, so they named her Iris Holly Flowers. Three further daughters followed. To be consistent they stuck to the flora. There was Myrtle Cherry Flowers, Poppy Jasmine Flowers, and Lily Daisy Flowers.

When Mrs Flowers was expecting her sixth – “This is definitely going to be the last” – she hoped for a boy. And a boy it was! They named him Rock because it was a good strong masculine name and offset a little the perceived femininity of the surname. He had no middle name; just good solid Rock.

Needless to say, the plot didn’t work. He was known at school as Pansy Flowers and he hated it. Others taunted him with Rock-a-bye-baby Flowers. On the day he turned eighteen he officially changed his name to Jack Gunn. After that he didn’t know who the heck he was and went around bullying everyone. He twice got sacked from work and was going to do himself in. That’s when he met Annie.

In the end Annie got her Gunn. They named their three boys Top, Hand, and Six.

2179. New identity

Alfie and Connie had been together for just over a month. Both had been married before. Connie was a local person, but Alfie hailed from another part of the country altogether. One day they were walking along the street when a stranger approached Alfie and said, “Gus! I haven’t seen you for ages! How are things going?” Alfie looked flustered and uncomfortable. “I’m not Gus,” he stuttered.

Connie noted that this had happened several times before during their month together.  Once someone even called out “Gus!” from across the road, and Alfie had turned suddenly as one does when responding to having ones name called out.

Then a letter arrived in the mail address to Mr. Augustine Cladworthy. Usually Alfie was all too keen to check the mail box, but on this day he was feeling a little poorly so Connie did the checking.

“Who exactly is Mr. Augustine Cladworthy?” asked Connie. “This getting called Gus has happened far too often for it to be a coincidence. It’s time you came clean.”

Alfie realized he was trapped. There was no way out. He had tried to dream up an escape story he could use should his real identity be discovered. He’d been unsuccessful at imagining something cogent, and now he was against the wall.

“Well,” he admitted, “I was the whistle blower that spilt the beans on the McPherson case just over a year ago. The government gave me a new identity. I was Gus, and now I’m Alfie.”

“We suspected so,” said Connie, “but just wanted to make sure.” She pulled out her pistol and wreaked her revenge.

2110. Mind your Qs

When Queenie and Quentin decided to start a family they thought it would marvellous to call any child that came along with a name starting with a Q. They would be the Q family; Mum, Dad, and the kids.

As it turned out they had but the one child – a boy. Queenie wanted to call him Quin or Quay, and Quentin wanted to call him Quade or Quincy. That’s why today he’s known as Jack.

2084. Name change

Pomphrey Jones hated his name. I don’t blame him. Who would want to be called that? “Where on earth did your parents get a name like that?” was a not infrequent question he was asked.

Honestly! If he had to give his name for some reason or other he would whisper it as if he had laryngitis, and then he’d cough to cover it up. That’s how embarrassed he was about it.

For his twenty-third birthday his newly-wedded wife paid for him to have a name change. Oh the relief! He’s on top of the world! “I don’t know why I didn’t do it earlier,” he said.

These days Pomphrey Smith is as happy as a sandboy.

2065. The saga of Twaddle the Duck

It happened just the other day. Sefton had finished writing his daily blog and had used the word “Twaddle”.

“What a brilliant name for a domestic duck,” thought Sefton. “If only I had a duck.” 

He knew a couple of people who had domestic ducks. Garth called his duck Jemima.

“How very unimaginative,” thought Sefton. “The next time I see Garth I’ll suggest he call his duck Twaddle.”

Chayce also had a domestic duck, and he called it Rembrandt. “What a stupid name for a duck,” thought Sefton. “The next time I see Chayce I’ll suggest the name Twaddle.”

Both Garth and Chayce thought the name of Twaddle was horrible. “I think the name of Twaddle is horrible for a domestic duck,” said Garth. Chayce said the same thing: “I think the name of Twaddle is horrible for a domestic duck.”

Sefton invited Garth and Chayce to dinner. Ï know, Gentle Reader, what you are thinking; you are thinking they had domestic duck for dinner. Can’t you read? I said at the outset that Sefton didn’t have a duck.

1939. To die alphabetically

Jerome Holke Barbarich-Askelund’s doctor had given him bad news. He had not been feeling well and was not at all surprised when the doctor announced (in a kindly and tender manner) that what Jerome Holke Barbarich-Askelund had was terminal.

“Oh well,” shrugged Jerome, “we all eventually get our marching orders I suppose.”

He went home and within a week had become obsessed with the death notices in the morning paper. Here was a list of those who had died – usually the day before. Jerome began to work out each morning where his name would go alphabetically if he had indeed passed away on the preceding day.

Amor
Austin
Baird
Burgin
Cain

If he had died his name would appear between Baird and Burgin.

Ackerley
Alexander
Batwell
Blayney
Blight

If he had died his name would appear between Alexander and Batwell.

And there, on the third day, BARBARICH-ASKELUND! There it was in print! In black and white! What a mystery!

Anderson
Atherfold
Aycock
BARBARICH-ASKELUND
Butt

“As far as I know,” said Mrs. Barbarich-Askelund, “we are the only ones in the country with this family name. It’s a complete bafflement. I’m in a state of stupefaction.”

After two weeks, Mrs. Barbarich-Askelund’s friend, Gloria Wiggins said, “Look Myrtle-Bianca, you have to admit that he’s been dead for two weeks now. You can’t go on pretending it didn’t happen. “

“Oh Gloria!” sobbed Myrtle-Bianca Barbarich-Askelund, “to die is one thing. To appear in print between Aycock and Butt is shocking. Jerome will never forgive me.”

1913. Lovey

Bradley’s father had always shortened Bradley’s name to Brad, but some of his friends called him Wolfie. No one seemed to remember how the name of Wolfie originated. Bradley’s wife called him Hector, and no one knew why for that either.

Wolfie’s wife’s name was Cassandra, although her parents had always called her Cassie. Her nickname was Sugarlips, and Hector called her Sandy which was short for Sandwich because once at work Brad had forgotten to bring his wallet and his lunch and Sugarlips had shared a sandwich. That was how Cassie and Wolfie met.

Anyone not familiar with this family would think that there were six or seven people, but there were only two – Brad and Cassie. Wolfie and Sandy had wanted to start a family but with little success.

“It appears there’s no hope,” said Sugarlips to Hector. So Bradley and Cassandra took themselves off to the clinic. Before you knew it, Sandy was “in the family way”, and as often happens it was a multiple birth: triplets. Cassie and Wolfie had spent hours talking about what names to give them. They didn’t want multiplicity of nomenclature such as they had because it was sometimes confusing, so Bradley and Cassandra named them simply Jack, Bill, and Pete.

It was not a good plan because they were all girls. “We wanted it to be a surprise,” explained Wolfie. “And it was a surprise. We were utterly convinced we were having all boys.”

It was resolved simply enough. Jack was known as Trina, Bill was known as Judith, and Pete was known as Danielle. Although friends called them Trev One, Trev Two, and Trev Three (in that order) and no one knew why.

Their paternal grandmother called all three Lovey. In fact she called everyone in the world Lovey. It was a lot easier that way.