Tag Archives: Mother Goose

2421. Happy Birthing Personage Day!

Ever since he was four Caleb had wanted to be an otorhinolaryngologist when he grew up. No one knows why he suddenly developed at interest in otorhinolaryngology but he did. As his birthing personage observed, at first we thought it was simply a vestige of aberrant behaviour instilled in him at the kindergarten, but we quickly disabused ourselves of the notion when he threatened that if he didn’t get his way he would become a teacher instead and espouse transgender critical race theory.

We hoped that the special book we bought him for his fifth birthday would help sort a few things out, but already Little Miss Muffat and Little Jack Horner are doing things behind the bike shed that we didn’t give a thought to doing before Year 11. As for Jack and Jill falling down the hill and Humpty-Dumpty falling off a wall… well… it simply consolidated his interest in otorhinolaryngology.

We dread the day when he gets to page 23 of his “Birthing Personage Goose” book that we gave him and discovers over-sexed Little Bo Peep and what Jack-Be-Nimble is doing to Peep’s sheep.

We’re thinking of dumping his childhood altogether and getting him started on harmless Quantum Mechanics.

2113. Mother Goose

Hello kiddies. If you would like to sit in a circle on the floor six feet apart and pretend to hold hands. Let’s sing some nursery rhymes behind our masks.

1.	Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater,
Had a wife but couldn't keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell
Because he was white and she was black.

2.	Baa, baa black sheep
Have you any wool?

Children! Children! We don’t sing this anymore. It’s John Doe stealing black wool.

3.	Here we go round the mulberry bush,
The mulberry bush,
The mulberry bush.
Here we go round the mulberry bush
On a cold and frosty morning.

It’s alright kiddies. Don’t cry. It was a black frost.

4.	Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the 


Stop! Stop! – What colour is the object we’re singing about?
Don’t say it! We don’t use that horrible word!

5.	Hickory Dickory Dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one.

Isn’t that typical?  I bet the one struck was black.

6.	Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
Put him back together because he was a brown egg.


7.	Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill said, you got your due you f**king racist.

Well done, children. Now it’s time to go home to the caregivers I have allotted you. They won’t brainwash you like your parents.

Repeat of Story 154: Mother Goose gives a lesson

(This is the fourth story in a week or so of repeats. “Mother Goose gives a lesson” first appeared on this blog on 13 March 2014.)

Mother Goose sat all the children in a circle on rugs around the fire.

“Let me tell you a Nursery Rhyme,” said Mother Goose kindly.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

“I believe,” said five year old Johnny putting up his hand, “that although it’s not explicitly described, Humpty Dumpty is typically portrayed as an anthropomorphic egg. Is this correct?”

“Well aren’t we a big know-all, you swollen-headed little prick,” said Mother Goose. “I don’t give a rat’s ass if Humpty Dumpty was a whatever-type-of-bird’s-egg-that-you-said or not. Go take steroids, you puny little nerdy slug.”

With that, she took the children and gave them some broth without any bread, and whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed. Just to teach them a jolly good lesson.

154. Mother Goose gives a lesson

154goose

Mother Goose sat all the children in a circle on rugs around the fire.

“Let me tell you a Nursery Rhyme,” said Mother Goose kindly.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

“I believe,” said five year old Johnny putting up his hand, “that although it’s not explicitly described, Humpty Dumpty is typically portrayed as an anthropomorphic egg. Is this correct?”

“Well aren’t we a big know-all, you swollen-headed little prick,” said Mother Goose. “I don’t give a rat’s ass if Humpty Dumpty was a whatever-type-of-bird’s-egg-that-you-said or not. Go take steroids, you puny little nerdy slug.”

With that, she took the children and gave them some broth without any bread, and whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed. Just to teach them a jolly good lesson.