Tag Archives: money

1330. Rats!

Jim insisted on getting rat poison. June had presented him with every argument she could think of to stop him, and now look what has happened.

“There’s a dirty rat in the shed,” said Jim. “I’m not having that.”

“The cat will get it,” said June. “It’s too expensive. We don’t have the money. It’s too dangerous. Some child might eat it. Anything could happen. We don’t need it. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional rat.”

June had always watched the pennies; Jim not so much. They were not well off. There was so much allotted for living expenses each week. There was little room for luxury, and in June’s mind rat poison was a luxury.

“There’s a dirty rat in the shed,” repeated Jim. “I’m not having that.” Rat poison was purchased.

“I told you it would happen,” said June. “Now there’s not enough money left in the bank account for me to get cigarettes.”

1239. Two front teeth

Yvane had led a pretty hard life. He got his two top front teeth knocked out in a pub brawl. You know how expensive it is to get that fixed? Yvane simply didn’t have the money.

Yvane came up with a plan; the next burglary he did he made sure he got caught. The judge sent him to prison for a short time. While there, the government paid for him to have his teeth fixed.

1201. Priceless

When Bernice took the photograph of her son she had no idea that in forty years’ time it would be used on the ten dollar bill. It was just an ordinary photo. It was black and white and taken with a Brownie Box Camera. She had taken the film to the pharmacist to get it developed and printed. The rest is history.

When her son’s image first appeared on the ten dollar bill, Bernice had to get a bigger handbag. Not because she had more money. Of course she didn’t have more money. It’s just that she didn’t like to fold the paper money in half. That would be like putting a crease in her son’s photo. Sometimes she even ironed some crumpled bank notes to make them look nice.

Of course after her son’s death his fame spread like wild fire. He was his country’s most famous scientist. In fact his formula

y=m3+xy÷33/ʤɠɫɺɃʨמԒԆ

had not only ousted Einstein’s Theory of Relativity but had made Einstein look like a bumbling idiot.

So when the truth came out that Bernice’s son during his life was the leading light in a pornographic ring, it was a great shock to everyone. People were reluctant to put the image of the famous scientist into their trouser pockets – neither front nor back.

The image on the ten dollar note was changed to a happy scene from Mary Poppins, and the old bank notes were destroyed.

These days any ten dollar bill with the porno-propagator’s image, if found, is priceless.

1191. Three sons

Bridgette was tired. She held down two jobs. After all, as well as herself, she had three mouths to feed. There was Tom, her eldest, with Les in the middle, and Archie at the bottom. Three boys! And she provided for them on her own.

School was an expensive time, what with books, and camps, and computers, and this and that. All three sons with just a year between each. She should have spaced them out better!

Of course, they ate Bridgette out of house and home. Boys have such gigantic appetites. She was forever having to refill the fridge.

Now, at last, they’d all finished school. All three had part-times jobs, but spent most of their time at home on their computers and phones.

Could they not perhaps, suggested Bridgette, make a small monetary contribution to the running of the house? Now that they have part-time jobs?

But we live here. This is our home, they said. Why should we pay board?

Frustrated, Bridgette went out to mow the lawn.

1151. Out to lunch

Two people worked in the office, Patricia and Evelyn. Well three people actually counting Mavis the cleaning lady who popped in and out periodically. When Patricia’s aunt died, she left Patricia two and a half thousand dollars! A favourite aunt indeed!

Patricia was so excited that she suggested to Evelyn that they go out to lunch together to celebrate. “And I’m paying,” said Patricia.

“You’ve no idea,” said Evelyn later (in confidence) to Mavis the cleaning lady, “you’ve no idea. She took me to Mr Slice’s Tea rooms and ordered a cheese and onion sandwich each. You’d think with all that money she’d be able to do better than that.”

“She’s a few crumbs short of a cake,” said Mavis (the cleaning lady). “Count your lucky stars. I didn’t get even a cheese and onion sandwich.”

Poem 41: I wish I were a clown

(The poetic form selected for this month is the English or Shakespearean Sonnet).

I wish I were a clown and worked with youngsters.
I’d wear a funny hat and great big shoes.
I’d wield a water-pistol like those gangsters
In the movies, and play at peek-a-boo.

Instead, I am a joke, they laugh at me
And shout offensive names that get me down.
Hey Scrooge McDuck! Hey Greedy-Guts! You see
They think I am the fool who’s not a clown.

It’s true I’ve lots of money that I’ve saved.
I live alone. My wife died years ago.
The kids around here aren’t that well behaved,
But then again, there’s no space here to grow.

I guess I’ll bite the dust one day, but hey!
This clown shall leave a park where kids can play.

1117. Flat Earth Society

Douglas Biddle was the president of the local Flat Earth Society. The Society had three members, counting Douglas himself. The purpose of the Society’s existence had nothing to do with believing the earth was flat. It was part of a plan to make money.

Every week the three would write an article supporting the tenet that the earth was flat. They would place it in people’s letter boxes. People laughed at them. Then there appeared a public ridiculing of Douglas Biddle in the local paper. Douglas Biddle sued the paper for every cent they had.

“I believe,” said Douglas Biddle to the two other members attending the final meeting of the Flat Earth Society, “I believe the Flat Earth Society has enough money to go ROUND.”

1110. Money for the Missions

Once a month, Sister Mary Hedwig organised her Year 4 class to do something to raise money for the Missions. It would be only a little thing. Each theme would last a week. For example there was Bring a Stuffed Toy Week and there was Wear Something with Spots On Week. If you took part you would pay as little as one cent although you were always welcome to give more. Sister had a little nest egg hidden away for those who couldn’t or didn’t pay. The money would go into the piggy bank sitting on Sister’s desk. One year the class made almost fifty dollars which they sent to Brigitte’s uncle who taught poor children in Rwanda.

For the Bring a Stuffed Toy Week Nigel brought along bits of a teddy bear torn to pieces by his dog. It’s really stuffed, said Nigel. Language Nigel, language, said Sister and charged him two cents instead of one. My father put me up to it, said Nigel.

One day Esme turned up to school wearing the most elaborate necklace. It must have been worth a pretty penny. It had real pearls (at least they looked like real pearls) with silver interconnecting bits. It’s my grandmother’s, said Esme. She said I could borrow it for the week provided I was careful.

But why are you wearing it to school? asked Sister Hedwig.

You said not to forget our theme for the missions: Necks Week.

I said next week, said Sister Mary Hedwig.

Esme went a delicate pink. Nigel thought it was hilarious.

1101. Money talks

Rhoda had this funny feeling; more of a conviction; not merely a funny internal feeling, but a simmering certitude. She thought she knew the winning numbers to that evening’s lottery draw.

Her numbers were 3, 7, 8, 21, 31, and 39. At work that day, Rhoda was telling everyone at the office water cooler that she thought the numbers were 3, 7, 8, 21, 31, and 39. She was going to take a ticket. The prize was 13 million.

She got a few groceries on the way home from work, and was so busy trying to decide which brand of cranberry juice was the healthiest, that she quite forgot to buy a ticket.

The next morning at the office, Rodger of Accounts was over the moon. Did she take a ticket using her numbers? No, she forgot.

Well I did, and I’ve won 13 million, said Rodger.

This set Rhoda on fire:

They’re my numbers and the prize money is really mine. At least half of it. I don’t know what you’re going to do with all that money, you’re just a money-grabbing accountant and you get paid so much that you have money falling out your bum. You don’t need it. As far as I’m concerned it’s my money MY MONEY BECAUSE THEY WERE MY NUMBERS. I’ll take you to court, that’s what I’ll do, unless you give me at least half. I don’t care what it costs me but I’m going to get my hands on it. You’d have nothing if you hadn’t stolen my numbers. THIEF! That’s what you are. A THIEF! I WANT THE MONEY, YOU MONEY-GRABBING WINDBAG OF SOGGY GREED. IT’S LUST, THAT’S ALL IT IS. LUST FOR MONEY. UTTER GREED.

I was just having you on, said Rodger.