Tag Archives: money

1504: Prenuptial agreement

It was the ravishing, rich film star who insisted on a prenuptial agreement. I’m not having an ordinary plumber, such as the person I’m engaged to, running off with most of my money just because he married into wealth, said the ravishing, rich film star. As far as I’m concerned he can keep the car and boat, and get quarter of the cash. The rest will be mine.

The plumber was not at all happy with the prospect of a prenuptial agreement. It implies, he said, that you don’t think the marriage will last. I’d prefer to get nothing at all in the unlikely event of a divorce, rather than have a prenuptial agreement.

But the ravishing, rich film star had her way. Ten months later, when the marriage collapsed in a heap of rubble, the plumber (whose name was Jack) got the car, the boat, and quarter of the cash.

Fair is fair, said the ravishing, rich film star. What she didn’t know was that before the marriage the plumber had piles and piles of filthy lucre. He was ten times richer than the ravishing, rich film star. The difference was, he’d never thought to tell the ravishing, rich film star.

It was the plumber’s fourth marriage.

1479. Catfight

Amelia Knudsen is the daughter of a wealthy Danish shipping magnate. Miss Amelia Knudsen was passionately in love with a Belgian millionaire, Baron Janssens-Peeters. She was desperate never to lose him.

To ensure the Baron would stick to her through thick and thin, Amelia Knudson hired the services of Madame de Argentia Futur. Madame de Argentia Futur, a Parisian fortune-teller, gave Amelia powders and pills to ensure that the millionaire would marry her. It was $1,000 a pop. Amelia also had to daily chant an ancient Romany mantra. Amelia visited Madame de Argentia Futur fourteen times. In between pills she had travelled with Baron Janssens-Peeters to Hawaii, Tahiti, and other tropical spots.

Currently, Miss Amelia Knudsen is suing Madame de Argentia Futur for $500,000. Miss Amelia and the Baron were in Morocco when the Baron dumped her.

“I never loved Miss Knudsen,” said the Baron. “I viewed her more as a piece of luggage; baggage really; a fancy little suit-case to pleasurably unlock at the end of a journey.”

So much for Madame de Argentia Futur’s pills and potions. The judge is taking the court proceedings as slowly as possible. He is so enjoying the catfight.

1463. A valuable lesson

Boris had been caught dipping his fingers into the till. The judge gave him prison with hard labour. He was put in a gang whose task it was to pick up all the junk on the side of the road that people has thrown out of their cars. The overseer had warned the prisoners that if they found anything of value, such as a five dollar bill, they should hand it in; even a dollar coin.

Boris thought that was governed by greed. The overseer was a megalomaniac. Boris couldn’t stand his guts. The supervisor was always cruel and unreasonable.

And would you believe it? Boris was picking up bits of trash and putting it in a bag when he came across a hundred dollar bill. A hundred dollars! He quietly pocketed it. The only reason the overseer wanted any money found to be handed in was because he wanted to keep it for himself.

“Has anyone found anything of value?” asked the overseer at the end of the day.

Silence.

“Has anyone found anything of value?”

Silence.

“You,” said the overseer to Boris, “you found a hundred dollar bill. Where is it? I planted it and I saw you pick it up.”

Silence.

“You only get one chance in N…..,” said the supervisor. He shot Boris in the head with a pistol.

“Let that be a lesson to you all.”

1384. A get-rich-quick scheme

Malvina came up with a brilliant plan: she would open a separate, secret bank account. Then if she got married and divorced all the spare money could go into that account. She figured she needed to get married and divorced about four times, depending upon the profitability of the rejected spouse.

All was going fine until the third spouse. He pushed her under a bus.

Without being too nasty, everyone was rather pleased.

1330. Rats!

Jim insisted on getting rat poison. June had presented him with every argument she could think of to stop him, and now look what has happened.

“There’s a dirty rat in the shed,” said Jim. “I’m not having that.”

“The cat will get it,” said June. “It’s too expensive. We don’t have the money. It’s too dangerous. Some child might eat it. Anything could happen. We don’t need it. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional rat.”

June had always watched the pennies; Jim not so much. They were not well off. There was so much allotted for living expenses each week. There was little room for luxury, and in June’s mind rat poison was a luxury.

“There’s a dirty rat in the shed,” repeated Jim. “I’m not having that.” Rat poison was purchased.

“I told you it would happen,” said June. “Now there’s not enough money left in the bank account for me to get cigarettes.”

1239. Two front teeth

Yvane had led a pretty hard life. He got his two top front teeth knocked out in a pub brawl. You know how expensive it is to get that fixed? Yvane simply didn’t have the money.

Yvane came up with a plan; the next burglary he did he made sure he got caught. The judge sent him to prison for a short time. While there, the government paid for him to have his teeth fixed.

1201. Priceless

When Bernice took the photograph of her son she had no idea that in forty years’ time it would be used on the ten dollar bill. It was just an ordinary photo. It was black and white and taken with a Brownie Box Camera. She had taken the film to the pharmacist to get it developed and printed. The rest is history.

When her son’s image first appeared on the ten dollar bill, Bernice had to get a bigger handbag. Not because she had more money. Of course she didn’t have more money. It’s just that she didn’t like to fold the paper money in half. That would be like putting a crease in her son’s photo. Sometimes she even ironed some crumpled bank notes to make them look nice.

Of course after her son’s death his fame spread like wild fire. He was his country’s most famous scientist. In fact his formula

y=m3+xy÷33/ʤɠɫɺɃʨמԒԆ

had not only ousted Einstein’s Theory of Relativity but had made Einstein look like a bumbling idiot.

So when the truth came out that Bernice’s son during his life was the leading light in a pornographic ring, it was a great shock to everyone. People were reluctant to put the image of the famous scientist into their trouser pockets – neither front nor back.

The image on the ten dollar note was changed to a happy scene from Mary Poppins, and the old bank notes were destroyed.

These days any ten dollar bill with the porno-propagator’s image, if found, is priceless.

1191. Three sons

Bridgette was tired. She held down two jobs. After all, as well as herself, she had three mouths to feed. There was Tom, her eldest, with Les in the middle, and Archie at the bottom. Three boys! And she provided for them on her own.

School was an expensive time, what with books, and camps, and computers, and this and that. All three sons with just a year between each. She should have spaced them out better!

Of course, they ate Bridgette out of house and home. Boys have such gigantic appetites. She was forever having to refill the fridge.

Now, at last, they’d all finished school. All three had part-times jobs, but spent most of their time at home on their computers and phones.

Could they not perhaps, suggested Bridgette, make a small monetary contribution to the running of the house? Now that they have part-time jobs?

But we live here. This is our home, they said. Why should we pay board?

Frustrated, Bridgette went out to mow the lawn.

1151. Out to lunch

Two people worked in the office, Patricia and Evelyn. Well three people actually counting Mavis the cleaning lady who popped in and out periodically. When Patricia’s aunt died, she left Patricia two and a half thousand dollars! A favourite aunt indeed!

Patricia was so excited that she suggested to Evelyn that they go out to lunch together to celebrate. “And I’m paying,” said Patricia.

“You’ve no idea,” said Evelyn later (in confidence) to Mavis the cleaning lady, “you’ve no idea. She took me to Mr Slice’s Tea rooms and ordered a cheese and onion sandwich each. You’d think with all that money she’d be able to do better than that.”

“She’s a few crumbs short of a cake,” said Mavis (the cleaning lady). “Count your lucky stars. I didn’t get even a cheese and onion sandwich.”