2348. A meeting of meats

Of course it was extremely unlikely that unattached Heather and unattached Colin would accidentally bump into each other in the meat section of their local grocery store. An accidental meeting (and ensuing blossoming romance) has to be ruled out because Heather went for the more deli-type meats such as salamis and stuffed quail, whereas Colin went for “proper meat” such as beef, lamb, and pork. Proper meat was what a real man devoured. In fact, Colin detested “all this foreign crap” that had invaded the meat shelves in recent years. The deli-meat section and the proper-meat section were at either ends of the aisle. They couldn’t possibly meet.

But Heather and Colin met in the confectionary section of the store. Both had a sweet tooth. On the first time they bumped into each other they chatted for thirty-five minutes surrounded by chocolates and toffees.

These days (several weeks later) Colin shops for Madrange Jambon de Paris Ham, Smoked Goose, and Cured Acorn Fed Iberico Underloin.

I wouldn’t be surprised if a marriage proposal is in the air.

2210. The cost of a lawyer

(Day 3 of a week of retelling traditional folktales.)

What a beautiful dog! But did it have bad manners or what? It walked straight into a butcher’s shop, tail wagging, and stole a leg of lamb.

The butcher asked a lawyer, “Can I sue a dog owner?”

“I don’t see why not,” said the lawyer.

“Well,” said the butcher, “it’s your dog. You owe me twenty-four dollars and eleven cents.”

“My consultation fee is eight hundred,” said the lawyer. “You owe me the difference.”

2047. Animal Farm

Farmer Jack loved animals, and had all sorts of different mammals on his farm.

He had goats which were alright. Goats were the most common farm animals around the world apparently. He could see why but they simply were not at the top of his list.

He had cattle, but they were not the normal cattle beasts. He had a breed of oxen that had been originally bred to pull heavy machinery in the old days. Personally he found them too strong altogether, and difficult to manage, but they were certainly a talking point with anyone who dared get involved with them.

Sheep were smelly; oily and smelly. In fact they were a lot of work. They had to be shorn and crutched and so on. To get them even to the lamb stage was a substantial hassle.

Pigs, like sheep, were smelly. He had only a few and it was a good way to get rid of household scraps.

Then he had horses. Horses were his favourite. Horses were wonderful! It warmed the cockles of his heart to see horses cavorting in the fields. Yes! Of all the animals on his farm, horse meat was definitely his favourite and the tastiest.

1620. Love of horses

Ross Randerson was into horses, so it was just as well he had a big farm. People said they reckoned he had a horse of every colour and shape. There was a horse there for every need, except the need for a horse these days wasn’t so common.

I guess when you’re as rich as Ross Randerson you can afford to have so many equine animals. The local equestrian society members were most unhappy with him. With so many horses how could he properly take care of them? Some of the mares seemed to have foals willy-nilly. It was irresponsible for Ross Randerson not to manage things better.

Only the other day the vet had been called because apparently a horse had slipped down a bank and broken a leg. Word has it that it had to be put down. With proper care such things need not happen.

These horses were not race horses, or pack horses, or draught horses, or whatever. They were ordinary, run-of-the-mill horses like those that horse lovers have in their back field as a hobby. Except Ross Randerson had a whole lot more. Quite often you would see a car stopped on the side of the road while photographs were taken of the horses galloping around the meadows. Such grace! Such regal grandeur! The white ponies with flowing blonde manes were everyone’s favourite!

Some people wondered how Ross Randerson could afford so many horses. How come he was so rich? Some knew and some didn’t. There’s a lot of money in dog food.

1527: A visit to the butcher

And it had been only three weeks since Amelia had buried her husband, George. Admittedly, the marriage had long shrivelled up, but Amelia had never had a fling. She hadn’t as much as glanced at a passing man. But now, now (and it had been only three weeks, as I said, since Amelia had buried her husband, George) Amelia had become infatuated with her local butcher, Erwin.

She was forever popping into the butcher’s shop to get meat – a leg of lamb, a porterhouse steak, a few chicken drumsticks, even the occasional pork rib. And, of course, Erwin always gave it to her for nix. Getting her meat for nothing was a sign, surely, that he liked her. One day she went into the butcher’s shop and only the apprentice was there. Nigel looked after the sales counter on Wednesdays and Fridays. Amelia learnt not to go shopping for meat on those days. The first time Amelia encountered Nigel he asked what she wanted, and she said “tripe” because that was the first thing that came into her head. She hated tripe and when she got home she discovered that not even the cat would eat it.

Anyway, it was now winter and things had progressed rather quickly. Twice Amelia had gone out the back to watch Erwin chop up a carcass so dexterously. Amelia was in awe – it showed strength, precision, skill and (dare I say it?) masculinity. Even with his blood-drenched apron still on, Amelia couldn’t refrain from giving Erwin a casual cuddle. He flung his chopper around with such legerdemain.

And then the worst happened. Erwin, unbeknown to Amelia, got the flu. When Amelia went in to get a beef brisket for Sunday a strange woman was behind the counter.

“Who are you?” asked Amelia.

“I’m Erwin’s wife,” she said. “How may I help?”

1503: Pet food

Florrie and Gordon Brawley had been married for just under eleven years. They both worked for a pet food company. Gordon was in charge of the meat grinder and Florrie was in charge of the packaging.

Their marriage was disintegrating. Gordon suspected that his wife had been having an affair with the pet food company groundsman. Why else was she constantly admiring his delphiniums? That was when she accidently slipped into the meat grinder. Gordon was unaware of what had happened until there was nothing of her that hadn’t been minced. In fact, to be honest, he wasn’t sure if she’d fallen in the meat grinder at all. She was there one minute and gone the next.

“If she had fallen in,” said Gordon, “there would be bits of cloth here and there in the dog rolls and cat sachets. There is not a skerrick of fabric to be seen.”

He continued to feed the animal carcasses through the grinder. “She’ll turn up somewhere before the day is through.”

At the end of the day’s work Florrie still hadn’t made an appearance.

“Perhaps she went home on a bus,” suggested Gordon. He set off for home alone. On the way he dropped Florrie’s clothes off at the St Vincent de Paul’s Used Clothing Store.

Florrie was the one who fed their three dogs each evening. Gordon would have to do it himself. And to think! Florrie’s last words that morning to Gordon were, “I’ll always make sure the dogs get fed if it’s the last thing I do.” Thank goodness he had remembered to bring home some pet food.

1288. Half a cattle beast

Nora and Gus always knew what their oldest son, Gadsby, would give them for Christmas. It had been the same for the last five years, and what a saving it was! He always gave half a cow’s carcass for the freezer, nicely chopped up and packaged. It would last the two of them the year. Of course, they had other meat in between, like chicken and pork, but beef was their main meat.

Nora and Gus inevitably marvelled at Gadsby’s luck. He was presented at work with a cattle beast carcass just before Christmas. He worked at the abattoir. “Half a cow is enough for my freezer,” he told his parents, when they visited him.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, these days Gadsby has still got a couple of years left before they let him out.

1264. We are not a-meow-ed

I am simply astounded by what is written on this bottle’s label. Astounded!

This rich Merlot offers elegant aromas of blueberry and plum with soft hints of raspberry. Enjoy with a simple chicken or pork casserole and roast dishes.

That’s disgusting! What on earth’s wrong with having just meat without all that fruit? I shall write to the paper about it. We are not a-meow-ed.

Yours sincerely,
Pussy Cat

608. Kapow!

© Bruce Goodman 10 June 2015

Harvey had to cross a busy street to get to the butcher’s. Why walk another hundred yards just to use the pedestrian crossing when you can jaywalk?

He went to the butcher’s because the butcher said he had a pile of offal that Harvey could have for free: kidneys, livers, brains, hearts, tongues. It was a large bagful. Harvey was delighted. He would freeze them and use them as needed.

Re-crossing the road to get back to his car, a bus went Wham! Bang! Kapow! The mess! The mess! My goodness! You’ve never seen such a mess! There was blood everywhere and bits of heart and liver and kidney and tongue and brains and testicles. Bystanders were screaming and shouting and phoning for an ambulance. Ambulances turned up in droves.

The police cordoned off the area and first aiders began the gruesome task of picking up the pieces and putting them into plastic bags. The ambulance driver, who had years of experience, had never seen anything like it. He was behind the hearse heaving his guts out.

Were there any witnesses? You, sir? Did you see anything?

Not a thing, said Harvey as he went to his car and drove off home. It looks like it’ll be left-overs for dinner.