Tag Archives: lottery

1159. Charity in all things

Dearly Beloved in the Lord

Greetings! It has come to my attention that some of you are praying to God that you might win the lottery. You would like a better house and a bigger car. Perhaps you would like to travel the world. Allow me to point out the selfishness of that prayer.

Don’t you realize that the world is full of poor people who don’t even know where their next meal is coming from? Let alone having a roof over their heads. There are countless numbers of these poor people who are too lazy to work and so have to beg for money. And yet we still have to act with charity. They may be the scum of the earth but charity is called for.

So I say it loud and clear: give generously to the fund I have set up to help the poor and needy, and remember – charity in all things. Charity! Forget trying to win the lottery. Give from what you already have. There is no place for selfishness, and quite frankly, if you don’t whole-heartedly give to my fund for the poor I hope you burn in hell, you uncharitable bastards.

1101. Money talks

Rhoda had this funny feeling; more of a conviction; not merely a funny internal feeling, but a simmering certitude. She thought she knew the winning numbers to that evening’s lottery draw.

Her numbers were 3, 7, 8, 21, 31, and 39. At work that day, Rhoda was telling everyone at the office water cooler that she thought the numbers were 3, 7, 8, 21, 31, and 39. She was going to take a ticket. The prize was 13 million.

She got a few groceries on the way home from work, and was so busy trying to decide which brand of cranberry juice was the healthiest, that she quite forgot to buy a ticket.

The next morning at the office, Rodger of Accounts was over the moon. Did she take a ticket using her numbers? No, she forgot.

Well I did, and I’ve won 13 million, said Rodger.

This set Rhoda on fire:

They’re my numbers and the prize money is really mine. At least half of it. I don’t know what you’re going to do with all that money, you’re just a money-grabbing accountant and you get paid so much that you have money falling out your bum. You don’t need it. As far as I’m concerned it’s my money MY MONEY BECAUSE THEY WERE MY NUMBERS. I’ll take you to court, that’s what I’ll do, unless you give me at least half. I don’t care what it costs me but I’m going to get my hands on it. You’d have nothing if you hadn’t stolen my numbers. THIEF! That’s what you are. A THIEF! I WANT THE MONEY, YOU MONEY-GRABBING WINDBAG OF SOGGY GREED. IT’S LUST, THAT’S ALL IT IS. LUST FOR MONEY. UTTER GREED.

I was just having you on, said Rodger.

1032. News flash

Mrs Myrtle Capstick, a widow, has struck it lucky. She had a dream with the lottery’s winning numbers. She used those numbers and is now $1,000,000 richer.

“I knew the minute I woke up that these were my lucky numbers, so I wrote them down,” said an overwhelmed Mrs Capstick.

Dr Harry Shinburg, Professor of Mathematics at the University of Myrtlebridge, said the chances of that happening were astronomical. “It’s astronomical enough getting all six numbers in a row, but to get them in a dream is astronomically astronomical”.

Vladimir Staffordshire, secretary of the Sceptics’ Society, said that sadly there was no creature in a parallel universe waving the numbers at Mrs Capstick in a dream. “It’s a fluke,” he said. “That’s all it is. There’s nothing preternatural about it.”

Over three hundred comments have been made on the social media. Many say they’ve had a similar experience, although the prize money has been considerably smaller. Norma Booner said, “Wow! Wow! One million! In a dream! Wow!”

“I’m just over the moon,” said Mrs Capstick. “Just over the moon. I received these numbers in a dream. Call it what you will, it happened. Ironically, the first thing I want to buy with my money is a new bed and mattress. If only my husband was still alive to share the excitement! Who said dreams don’t come true? I’ve never won a penny before. To think, after forty-seven years of taking these same dreamed numbers and it’s at last paid off!”

1024. Joylene and Hermann

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Joylene prayed that somehow she would find a job or find some way to feed her three children. She even (just the once) took a dollar ticket in the lottery.

Hermann was a multi-millionaire. He prayed that he would win the 14 million lottery prize. And he did! He won! He won! He was very grateful to God. He danced up and down! Thank you! Thank you! Ask and you shall receive, he said, citing the scriptures.

In the meantime, Joylene continued to pray that somehow she would find a job or find some way to feed her three children.

902. Casual Clyde

902clyde

Clyde was a patient man. In fact, some thought he was a little too laidback. Every week he took a ticket in the lottery; always a lucky dip with numbers chosen by the machine at random; always at the same outlet.

This past week, a bossy woman had pushed passed him in the line.

“We can’t stand around all day while you make up your mind about what numbers you want, you drip” she said to Clyde. “Give me a lucky dip.” She paid and departed.

“I’ll have a lucky dip too, please,” said Clyde. And… HE WON! HE WON!! HE WON!!! The pushy woman got nothing. She would’ve had that winning ticket if she hadn’t pushed in front.

The bossy woman found where Clyde lived and hounded him. “That money should be mine, you little squirt,” said the bossy woman to Clyde. She hounded him. Hounded him.

Clyde used some of his one hundred and twenty-five million to pay a man to have the bossy woman “put down”. It took a while, and had to be well planned. But, as was said earlier, Clyde was a patient man.

894. Divorce

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Millie and Wilfred agreed on one thing: their marriage was over. It had long faded out. As yet, they hadn’t formally divorced.

Then Wilfred won 187 million dollars in the lottery. Problem: how to best claim the money without having to share any of it with his ex?