Tag Archives: kitchen

1834. Kitchen spat

“You just have to wonder sometimes where the time goes,” said Dolly to husband, Lyndon. “It’s nearly two weeks now since I started to repaint the kitchen cupboards in the evening and I’m not even half way through.”

“There are two reasons for that,” said Lyndon. “Number One, you’re too fussy; and number two, you talk too much.”

Without any forethought, Dolly picked up the can of paint and threw the contents all over her husband. It wasn’t planned. It was spontaneous. Dolly had had enough of his snide remarks. Lyndon was covered in green pain, as was the kitchen floor and oven.

Lyndon was now angry, and perhaps justifiably so. “You know what?” he said. “You know what? I wasn’t going to tell you until after your birthday, but you’ve blown the surprise. I’m off. I’ll take the car. You keep the house. You catch the bus to where ever the hell you want to go. I’ll rent somewhere.”

“Good riddance!” said Dolly, louder than before. “You’ve been a pain in the proverbial for months. Here I am trying to paint the kitchen cupboards to make the house nice, and you just stand around and criticize. Well I’ll be better on my own. You are the most…“

“Just hold it there,” said Lyndon.

“What?”

“The director said not to get too loud on that passage. It’s more threatening to almost whisper the lines.”

“Oh, that’s right,” said Dolly. “Shall we take it from the top?”

1513: Prone to tragedy

It’s such a shame. They were such a lovely couple. They were so down-to-earth – which is unusual for filthy rich personages.

To think how full of promise their lives had become! They had recently moved into their brand-new multimillion dollar mansion. It suited them down to the ground. It had a games room – or should I say “rooms”? The covered heated swimming pool was a delight. The tennis courts attracted so many genuine friends. The kitchen (Jacinta jokingly referred to it as a “my humble kitchenette”!) was big enough for Rufus, their world-class chef. In fact, Rufus had been with the household for years, ever since he was hired by Archibald’s first wife many years ago. Archibald joked that Rufus was the only real jewel in the family fortune.

And then last Thursday Jacinta’s body was found floating in the tropical aquarium. Archibald was devastated. How could she have drowned? He had suggested to her dozens of times not to overfeed the African banded barbs (Barbus fasciolatus). She wouldn’t listen. Fate had clearly decreed that she should drown in the fish tank because of her over-feeding fixation. How she fell in was anyone’s guess.

Some people are prone to tragedy. That is certainly the case with Archibald. Jacinta was his fourth wife to have inadvertently drowned in a tropical aquarium. Jacinta was the brightest star in my firmament of life, said Archibald. Rufus was more matter-of-fact: That’s the last time she’ll criticise my Caraway Crusted Pork Loin with Stewed Cabbage and Sautéed Apples.

532. Two in the kitchen

532rice

They were both in the kitchen. Ethel May was emptying the dishwasher, and Paddy was refilling an airtight container with rice from a bag.

Ethel May said, “That jar really should be rinsed before being refilled.”

Paddy said, “Too late now.”

Ethel May said, “You never clean it. You always refill it dirty.”

Paddy said, “Well do it yourself then.”

Ethel May, at that moment, was holding the carving knife from the dishwasher. Week after week of frustration at not having the airtight rice container cleaned before refill gushed through her body like a tsunami.

Ethel May stabbed Paddy in the back. It just happened.

She got life.