Tag Archives: jokes

1492. An autobiography

Danny: Did you hear the one about the goldfish that wore a Panama hat… etc etc all the way to the punchline.

All (uproarious laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Herbie: There was a paediatrician, a phlebotomist, and an obstetrician having…

Joe: Then there was the one where the kangaroo and the elephant thought… etc etc all the way to the punchline.

All (uproarious laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Herbie: There was a paediatrician, a phlebotomist, and an obstetrician having…

Danny: This woman came up to a policeman and said… etc etc all the way to the punchline.

All (uproarious laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Herbie: There was a paediatrician, a phlebotomist, and an obstetrician having…

Joe: There was a paediatrician, a phlebotomist, and an obstetrician having… etc etc all the way to the punchline.

All (uproarious laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Herbie: Oh well.

1393. Nothing to get

A group of friends were having a few drinks. There’s nothing like a few drinks to invigorate a conversation. They got to telling jokes.

Benjamin told a joke.

“There were three bears: Father Bear, Mother Bear, and Baby Bear. They went on a skiing trip. Father Bear came down the hill on skis shouting WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Mother Bear came down the hill on skis shouting WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Baby Bear came down the hill on skis shouting RADIATOR!”

The joke was completely unfunny. In fact, the joke was so unfunny that Bernice became convulsive. She asphyxiated on the joke. She was on the floor laughing so hard that she choked. She had a fit and almost had to be taken to hospital. Harriet didn’t think the joke was funny at all. She just didn’t get that there was nothing to get.

738. Around the campfire

738campfire

Rex was by nature a little withdrawn. He didn’t exude social confidence. I suppose it was natural for some boys of fifteen. Anyway…

He was on a boys’ camp. Everyone was sitting around the camp fire and telling jokes. It was really funny.

Harry told this really funny joke about a rhinoceros. Everyone shrieked with laughter. And Rex said, “If pigs oink and geese honk, what do mouses do?”

No one listened to him and Nigel told this really funny joke about a pet gnu. Everyone shrieked with laughter even though some didn’t have a clue what a gnu was. And Rex said, “If pigs oink and geese honk, what do mouses do?”

No one listened to him and Alistair told this really funny joke about this stallion with a big donger. Everyone shrieked with laughter. And Rex said, “If pigs oink and geese honk, what do mouses do?”

No one listened to him and Dennis started to tell this really funny joke and Rex got up and went back to his tent and listened to some music.

658. Joker

© Bruce Goodman 30 July 2015

658joker

Hamilton had planned a joke for weeks. He would phone up his cousin, Cressida. He had practiced putting on a voice so she wouldn’t recognise who it was.

“Hello. Hello. Is that Cressida? Yes, it’s the Lottery Commission. You have won four million. You haven’t claimed your prize. We had trouble tracing you. We did it by connecting the store’s video with your bank card number. The bank transaction and the video coincided. And you’ve won four million!”

Instead of being ecstatic, Cressida was annoyed.

“You’ve no right to phone me,” she said. “You know already that I won because I claimed the prize money two days ago.”

“Did you really?” said Hamilton, forgetting to put on his voice. “Did you win the lottery?”

“Is that you Hamilton?” said Cressida. “Yes, I won the lottery and haven’t told a soul. And if you tell anyone I’ll have your guts for garters.”

“WOW!” said Hamilton putting down the phone. “WOW! She won the lottery!”

Silly fool.