Tag Archives: hat

2367.  Hats off

I seem to be the only one here wearing a hat. Maybe hats are a thing of the past. I thought every woman wore a hat to a wedding. How times have changed!

I can hardly take it off and leave it sitting on the pew. Besides, my hair is done to fit the hat. Hair and hat – they go together. I must stick out like a sore thumb.

You’d think the woman at Women’s Wear Ware would’ve told me about not wearing a hat. I suppose she wanted a sale. My suit is lovely. As the woman said in the shop, “This is really you. It suits you like you were born to wear it.” To which I responded with, “And what about a matching hat?” And now I’m the only one wearing a hat.

The handbag was another story. I can see a few women here with handbags. They’re clutching them like their lives depended on it. No one is going to put their handbag on the pew seat behind them. There are sticky fingers everywhere, even in a church. Of course a large number of women don’t have a handbag. These days women’s clothes seem to have pockets. But I always thought on more formal occasions such as a wedding, that a hat and handbag were vital accessories. Apparently these days I’m wrong.

I do feel overdressed. When you look at some of the get-ups that some of the guests are wearing, you wonder. They could at least have made a small effort to dolly themselves up. That one over there looks like she’s wearing her petticoat on the outside. I wouldn’t put it past her boyfriend, if that’s her boyfriend she’s with, you never know these days, to wear his grundies on the outside of his jeans. They don’t call them grundies any more – I believe it’s Australian. I don’t have a clue what they’re called these days – ever since my divorce. These days I don’t have to go buying grundies for the lazy sod.

Goodness! The bride and groom are about to exit down the aisle. I seem to have missed the vows. That’s a shame. It’s not every day ones daughter gets married.

1410. In which Constantia buries her husband and buys a hat

After her husband’s death, Constantia hit the bottle. Even during the funeral in church, she was so drunk she had to be supported by her brother and brother-in-law. She kept calling out “WHA! WHA! WHAA!” which people took to be an utterance of grief, but as Constantia’s brother pointed out, it was an exclamation of exhilaration at having come into the possession of gigantic opulence.

A week or so after the funeral, Constantia decided to sober up and get on with life. Insobriety had been her way of covering up for lack of grief.

Constantia celebrated her new found fortune by buying a hat.

931. I think, therefore it is

931hat

The repugnant witch told Samantha that the minute she took her hat off she would die.

Samantha didn’t dare even touch the top of her head for another twenty-two years for fear of her hat falling off.

But what the witch hadn’t told Samantha was that she wasn’t wearing a hat.

To listen to the story being read click HERE!