2627. Witch Woke

When Witch Woke caught Hansel and Gretel pinching bits of confectionary off her candy house she grabbed hold of them and dragged them kicking and screaming inside.

Tying them down at the kitchen table she proceeded to tell them that Santa Claus wasn’t true, and the Tooth Fairy wasn’t true, and the Stork didn’t bring babies, and there were never Three Little Pigs, and the Big Bad Wolf and Little Red Riding Hood was about rape, and so on and so forth. She spelt out that their propensity to nick candy off her house was a direct result of the misinformation that had been thrust down their throats throughout their innocent lives. Lies breed venality and sleaze.

When she had ended correcting all the falsehoods they had been fed, as the story itself should have gone, she ate them for dinner.

2233. The Candy House

The horrible witch pushed Hansel and Gretel into the refrigerator and the light went out when the door was shut. They had a terrible time trying to stay cool.

The witch was busy heating up the cooking range to roast Hansel and Gretel when the woodsman turned up and pushed the witch into the oven. He then went on his way.

Oven doors can be pushed open from the inside, so that is what the witch did and she stepped out back into the kitchen. Fridge doors are not like oven doors; they need the outside handle pulled to open the door. Hansel and Gretel pushed their shoulders to the door – WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! – and the refrigerator fell over on top of the witch and killed her.

Now the door of the fridge was face down on top of the witch’s corpse and there was no hope of escape. That was when the woodsman returned because he’d forgotten his axe. He saw the fridge on top of the dead witch and said “Good riddance to bad rubbish”. He pushed the fridge upright and in doing so accidentally opened the door.

Hansel and Gretel stepped out and the woodsman said “What the heck are you doing in there?” Everyone was very happy because the woodsman was Hansel and Gretel’s father.

He said to his kids, “Just leave your dead stepmother on the floor. Let’s go outside and eat some candy off a drain pipe.”