2588. Daily hamburger

Melanie was fat. She was overweight. She was gross. Her diet could be ascertained to be unhealthy. The highlight of each day was to drive to the takeaway and get a hamburger with French fries. Today, for some reason, the drive-through was closed but things were getting ordered and sold inside the takeaway. Melanie parked the car, got out, crossed the road, and waddled into the building to order.

Little did she realize that this would be the last hamburger she would ever order. It wasn’t to be the last hamburger she would ever eat because she was hit by a truck while crossing the road to return to her car and that was that.

1959. A finger in every pie

Wendy and Ronald didn’t eat out that often. Now and again they might go to a fast-food chain and get something. Not to take home, but to simply have there and then on one of the outside, bird-crapped tables. But still, an outing is an outing. It’s a change of scene if not exactly dining at the Ritz.

They normally liked to eat healthy. They were not fuss-pots about food but I suppose they could be called “careful eaters”. Healthy eating meant that going to get an unhealthy meat pie or an unhealthy hamburger and French fries once in a while was an absolute treat!

It was while Ronald was tucking onto his kangaroo and double egg burger that he came across a finger; a human finger. Although he wasn’t sure because he had already bitten into it and therefore pulled the finger out of his mouth, he was ninety percent sure that the finger had been stuck in the kangaroo meat rissole.

“Look what I found in my hamburger!” exclaimed Ronald to Wendy. “Someone’s index finger!”

“It’s not an index finger,” said Wendy. “I think it’s a middle finger.”

“How would you know that?” said Ronald. “They’re both very much the same.”

A wee argument ensued, with both Wendy and Robert sticking to their guns; although Wendy reckoned it was from a right hand and Ronald from a left. In the end they were able to laugh about it.

“It’s an unresolved mystery,” said Ronald as he scrapped his leftover meal with the uneaten finger into the waste bin. “I guess it’s something we will never solve.”

Which just goes to show, if a moral is to be taken from this episode, that wee matrimonial disagreements can sometimes be solved with a little laughter.

859. The Pony Club Sandwich

Connie’s mother was a nasty piece of work, but a fabulous cook. She detested the fact that her estranged husband, Connie’s father, had given Connie a pony for Christmas. And now the field, where she used to keep one or two goats (for catering purposes), was used entirely to feed the pony.

Nonetheless, Connie’s mother accepted the invitation to cater for the local Pony Club’s Annual Feast. It paid well. Connie’s mother did it for the money, which was more than satisfactory.
At the feast, Connie was able to advertise. Has anyone seen my missing pony? It disappeared about a week ago.

The sadness of the occasion was made up for by the catering. The hamburgers were especially delicious. The hamburger was designed especially for the occasion. Connie’s mother called it The Pony Club Sandwich.

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