Now children, it’s a day to celebrate your grandparents. Grandparents Day! I never had a grandparent myself. They were all dead before I was born except for one grandmother and she was really nasty. In fact, she was in prison for poisoning my grandfather. She poisoned him by injecting weed-killer into homemade chocolates. I was always jealous of those who had proper grandparents. I hated it when other kids talked about their grandparents and how nice they were.
Anyway, I want those who have four grandparents living nearby to form a line here. And those with three grandparents living nearby to form a line here. Those with two grandparents living nearby to form a line here. Those with one grandparent living nearby to form a line here. And those with no grandparents can go outside and play.
I have a basket of chocolates and, depending on what line you are in, you are to take one, two, three, or four chocolates. After school today I want you to go and visit your grandparents and surprise them with a chocolate each for Grandparents’ Day.
I made the chocolates myself using a recipe my grandmother used.
This is the third time we’ve dropped grandma deep in the forest and the third time she’s found her way home. Goodness knows how she does that. She’s a bit of a Houdini. Last time we tied an oily rag from the trunk of the car around her mouth so no one would hear the screams, then we tied her to the tree with a tow rope.
And what does she do? She’s home no later than an hour or two after us. She goes to her room and acts like everything is normal. It’s infuriating. Why can’t we do successfully what other families do when they want to get rid of grandma and grandpa? It should be simple enough to take them out into the forest and tie them to a tree. The hardest part is trying to find a tree that hasn’t already got a skeleton tied to it. But our grandma keeps escaping.
The second time we tried it I hid and watched to see how she untangled herself and how she made the twenty miles or so home so quickly. At one stage I went briefly behind a nearby tree to relieve myself and WHAM! when I returned she was gone!
People are sometimes critical of us for not doing what has now become a tradition in society. They see granny and say, “O God! Haven’t you got rid of your grandma yet?” I always say, “We’ve tried. God knows we’ve tried.” It’s a bit of an embarrassment having her hanging around. No one else still has a forty-five year old grandma heading for huge medical bills and geriatric care. Is our family the only family in the world not taking zero population growth seriously?
Next Thursday we’re using padlocks and chains. It’s a bit expensive but will definitely be a comfort to us in the long run, and a huge saving.