Tag Archives: grandma

1780. Grandma Mother-in-law

“It’s beautiful, Grandma!” said Lynette. Lynette called her mother-in-law “Grandma”. Gwen had said “Call me Gwen”, but it somehow seemed too familiar. There was a tension, a strain, between the two. Now with the arrival of Lynette’s first child, and Gwen’s first granddaughter, the title “Grandma” seemed to answer a need.

“It’s beautiful, Grandma!” said Lynette. Lynette’s mother-in-law had brought along a dress for baby Olivia.

“It’ll be too big for her,” said Grandma, “but she’ll grow into it.”

“It’s beautiful, Grandma!” said Lynette. Quite frankly, Lynette thought the dress was the most disgusting thing she’d seen in years.

“I got it at a second-hand shop in town. Preloved the shop said.”

“It’s beautiful, Grandma!” said Lynette. It had prints of burning buildings on the fabric. It was the last thing a little girl would want to wear. More suited to a boy. And what boy would wear a dress? And why burning buildings?

“I thought,” said Grandma, “that having burning buildings on Olivia’s frock would signify that we’re not caught up in this old-fashioned pigeon-holing of the sexes. There’s nothing to stop a girl from wearing a fabric with burning buildings printed on it. There’s nothing to stop a girl from growing up and joining the fire brigade.”

“It’s beautiful, Grandma!” said Lynette.

“Look, Lynette,” said Grandma. “I think this dress is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I got it because I wanted you to know that you don’t have to agree with me. You’re the mother! You bring the children up the way you think best. And I can help in any way you think best. I know you think this dress is as disgusting as I do!”

And Lynette giggled. “Well the dress is kind of disgustingly cute in its own way I suppose,” she said.

Grandma laughed. Lynette laughed. Their relationship has not been the slightest strained since. In fact, they get on like a house on fire. Lynette has even started calling Grandma “Gwen”.

1257. Next year

It was Beryl’s birthday coming up. Grandma Nola went shopping.

“Have you got any of those summer hats that fold up tiny and you can slip into your pocket?” asked Grandma Nola of the shop assistant.

“I’m sorry,” said the shop assistant, “but we’re sold out.”

“That’s alright,” said Grandma Nola. “I’ll shop for it earlier next year.”

“My granddaughter likes to go hiking. Have you got any of those silver blanket things that fold up tiny and you can slip into it and not get hypothermia if you’re lost overnight in the forest?” asked Grandma Nola of the shop assistant.

“I’m sorry,” said the shop assistant, “but we’re sold out.”

“That’s alright,” said Grandma Nola. “I’ll shop for it earlier next year.”

“Have you got any of those things you wind when you want to recharge your cell phone and there’s no power connection? Like when you’re stuck up a mountain and your cellophane’s flat and it’s an emergency,” asked Grandma Nola of the shop assistant.

“I’m sorry,” said the shop assistant, “but we’re sold out.”

“That’s alright,” said Grandma Nola. “I’ll shop for it earlier next year.”

But what Grandma Nola didn’t know was that for her there would be no next year.

1116. Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping her way merrily through the forest, holding a basket of food that she was taking to her grandmother.

Suddenly a wolf appeared from nowhere.

“What big teeth you have,” said the wolf.

“There’s no need to get personal,” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“What big feet you have,” said the wolf.

“Now you’re getting silly,” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“Let me look in the basket to see what you are taking to your grandmother,” said the wolf.

“Go away,” said Little Red Riding Hood. “I hate it when little boys dress up and follow me around like a bad smell.”

So the Big Bad Wolf scampered off. He would try to find Anita Alder. She was a scaredy-pants. She always screamed when he gave her a fright.

1010. Last rites

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We’ve just finished burying my mother-in-law. Such an occasion is always sad. She now shares the same grave as her husband, which is something they always wanted.

My wife wasn’t overly sad, even though it was her mother. Her mother was old and had had a good life; “a good innings” as the saying goes. She got a bit difficult towards the end. She could get quite rude and demanding.

We’ll plant a rose or something on her grave. That’ll be nice. It’s always difficult to know where to bury these bodies. We’re running out of room in the garden. I told my wife to be a bit more discerning in the future when she swings the spade.

920. Futuristic memo

920memo

Hi Sweetie. We’re going to have to put grandma down. She’s 114 and keeps having babies.

I wonder when you take her in if you can get the cat done at the same time. It’s piddling on the floor. It’s been a good cat. I’ll be sad to see it go.

448. Off to visit grandma

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So, here I am on the way to visit my grandmother. I’m the sole granddaughter. I’m actually – this is true – I’m actually taking a basket of freshly made scones. It has a little red and white check napkin over the top. I must look a little like Little Red Riding Hood! Except I’m not wearing a red cape. I’m just wearing old jeans and a cotton top. It’s a light pastel mauve, if you must know.

Here I am now at a pedestrian crossing. I’ve just pushed the button and have been waiting for about three minutes for the…

Oh my God! Look at the guy over there waiting to cross onto my side. He must be in his early twenties. He’s about as sexy as they get. I’ll have to pretend I’m not going to cross but I’m waiting here for something. Perhaps if I drop the basket just as he…

The lights have change. The cross sign is on! He’s crossing! I’m trying to look casual, like I’m thinking, like I don’t know what direction I’m meant to go, like I’m… This could change my life!

He’s here!!! He’s passing by. He’s unbelievably handsome. He hasn’t even noticed me. He’s…

…gone.

Oh well, as I said, here I am on the way to visit my grandmother.