2469. Summer bulbs

They claimed to be the biggest supplier of garden bulbs in the country. Floyd was just one in a million that used their services. Only online orders were taken.

Of course, bulbs don’t flower the minute they arrive in the mail. Red gladioli bulbs might arrive in September but wouldn’t flower until January (Southern Hemisphere times!)

That is how Floyd developed a system. He would email the bulb company in January to complain that the red gladioli bulbs he ordered in September were now flowering and they were yellow. “It is so disappointing,” wrote Floyd. “After all these months of anticipation and then this happens.”

The following season Floyd would get a little parcel in the mail. “We apologize for our error in fulfilling your order with the wrong coloured bulbs. Here are the correct bulbs.” Floyd now had twenty red gladioli bulbs, instead of the mere ten he had originally ordered.

Floyd had used this trick for seven years. Among his order “corrections” were Mixed Ruffled Begonias, Zantedeschia Amberjack, Hippeastrum Terracotta Star, and Tigridia Pavonia. What a picture his garden was!

This year he would try something different. He would attempt to grow garlic, because these days the cooking garlic imported from China was tasteless. Floyd’s package arrived in the mail with a note:

Dear Floyd – here are the bulbs you ordered. Since you have been such a regular customer over the years we have included six extra bulbs for you to try with your cooking. So there are half a dozen bulbs for you to use for planting and half a dozen bulbs for you to use for eating. It’s our way of thanking you by giving you an opportunity to try before you plant!

Floyd did indeed cook with some! Of course, Hyacinth bulbs can be lethal.

1843. Hearty food

Dean’s doctor told him to start eating healthy. He searched online for healthy foods. There were links to different foods that said “Eat these for a healthy heart”. Dean clicked on them, link after link. It took a good half an hour to download all the pages each with a different healthy food.

The following, in this order, were good for the heart:

Oranges, kale, garlic, red wine, chocolate, sardines, lentils, almonds, pomegranates, blueberries, beets, salmon, turmeric, chia seeds, apples, avocados, eggplant, broccoli, carrots, chicken, chickpeas, coffee, cranberries, figs, flax seeds, red hot chilli peppers, ginger, grapefruit, green tea, kidney beans, kiwi fruit, mackerel, cashew nuts, oatmeal, pears…

Dean tried them all, one after the other, and it made no difference. He was still hungry. Health food doesn’t fill you up.

He finished off with a big slice of cream sponge cake and at last was satisfied.

Music 120: Gone to seed

My garlic went to seed. Somehow, in a vase, they took on a life of their own!

Listen to the music HERE!

1003. Garlic

Well sometimes, you know, it’s very hard to know what to do – what the right thing is to do. Marjory has bad breath. Everyone in the office knows that Marjory has bad breath but no one wants to tell her.

So I took the bull by the horns and told her. “Marjory,” I said, “do you realize that you have bad breath?” And she said, “Oh, it’s garlic.” And I said, “Well it can’t be garlic. You always have bad breath, and you wouldn’t have bad breath all the time unless you ate garlic all the time.”

So she rushed off to the ladies’ room and said she never wants to speak to me again and that’s where she is now. And quite frankly I don’t know what to do because it’s nearly time to go home and I always get a ride home in Marjory’s car. So if she’s going to pout I’ll just have to take the bus.

I mean someone had to tell her.

Here she comes now. Stinky breath. Stinky breath. Hey-ho. Stinky breath.

Oooooh! You won’t have heard her, but she just walked straight past me and said “Fat bitch” right in my face and breathed on me.

I hate it when the boss carries on like that.