2631. Garden tools

(This will be the last story – at least for a while – involving anthropomorphised inanimate objects).

“I’ve a good mind to rake up some muck on our previous owner,” declared the Rake. The garden tools had been taken from their tool shed home and dropped off at a second-hand shop. There they lay gathering dust on an obscure shelf.

“You’d think after more than twenty years of faithful service in the garden we’d be treated with a little more respect,” said the Hedge Clippers. “For example, the Rake and the Hoe have had a thing going for almost nineteen years. This second-hand caper will mean almost certain separation.”

”I dig what you’re saying,” said the Spade. “The Fork and I have been working as a close-knit team.”

“That’s true,” said the Fork. “Over the years I’ve forked everywhere in the garden thoroughly.”

 “I just want to throw in the towel,” said the Trowel. “”I must have helped plant thousands of plants and look at me now.”

But what is this? It is a bespectacled gentleman second-hand store customer. “He looks like an enthusiastic gardener,” said the Sickle.

“I’ll take the lot,” said the bespectacled gentleman.

Oh the rejoicing amongst the tools! “We’re staying together! We’re staying together!” they shouted in unison.

“There’s a war on,” said the bespectacled gentleman. “I’m doing the rounds on behalf of the Government. All this junk can be melted down for bullets.”

2465. Let her eat cake

Some cultures eat cake with a fork; some with a spoon; some simply eat cake with their fingers.

Aileen had baked a cake for visitors. It wasn’t a fancy occasion. It wasn’t a particularly fancy cake. The cake was simply something to nibble on with a coffee or tea, or in Jackie Olwynn’s case, with a glass of water. The occasion was something that Aileen did every year, and that was to invite all the women who lived on the street in for a cuppa.

This was the eleventh year that Aileen had held such an occasion, but it was the first year since her husband had upped and left. He’d run off with a woman who lived two doors down the road. Penelope-Prue most certainly was not on the invitation list!

And then the worst happened: Jackie Olwynn arrived with Penelope-Prue in hand.  “She wasn’t going to come,” said Jackie, “and I said, don’t be a silly-billy.”

Penelope-Prue was from overseas. She was not a typical foreigner; she was loud, obnoxious, and did everything that was totally, socially proper in an ostentatious way. AND – she ate her cake with a fork.

The little afternoon tea began. Aileen had already divided the cake and placed the slices on pretty plates of delicate flowers. “And would any like a fork to eat their cake?”

Penelope-Prue did. “An educated lady is one who eats cake with a fork even if she dines alone!” joked Penelope-Prue.

Aileen nearly sniggered. “Aha!” she thought, “it is indeed very proper for that frump to eat her poisoned slice with a fork.”