2025. Are you gender neutral or gender neutral?

Most interplanetary aliens look like humans. They have two arms, two legs, two nostrils, two ears, and so on. Presumably underneath their clothes they are much the same as humans, but an earthly visitor could hardly ask aliens to take off their clothes to enable observation.

The problem is – and this seems to be the case in all twenty-seven known planets with intelligent beings – in looks at least, males and females seem very much the same; same hair, same complexion, same height, and so on. They appear to be gender neutral, although they clearly make babies one way or another.

Even the Honniplexes, whose climate and terrain are as different as one could get from Earth, have human features, although their feet are slightly oversized.

How do all these aliens know which is which? Who is what when it comes to sex? Obviously one can’t wait until “the moment” to find out that the other person is the wrong gender to make a baby. As Marilynn Duckplath declared in Earth Parliament, “How can we use non-sexist language when we don’t know what gender we are trying to avoid? It has become a matter of science to find out the interplanetary facts of life.”

There was nothing for it but to send a crew out into space to force the aliens to strip. But what a disappointment! “We were extremely disappointed with what we scientifically observed,” reported the head scientist to Earth Parliament. “We took all sorts of measurements and everything seemed much the same as my own bits and pieces.” Marilynn Duckplath pushed even further: “Could you describe what you observed in greater detail.”

Enough is enough. Marilynn was greatly dissatisfied. She took the sex of aliens into her own hands. The next time aliens came to Earth she asked them point blank: “Which of you are males and which are females and how do you tell the difference?”  The answer stunned the scientific community. One planet distinguished the sexes via smell, another through sound, another through touch, another by giving a gentle bite on the neck when greeting a hitherto unknown person. Earth seemed to be the only planet that sorted out sexual identity via looks.

Marilynn took the lead in introducing new legislation on Earth. “How can we have gender equality throughout the cosmos when there are vastly different ways of identifying gender? From now on humans will identify their gender via sound. That way we can strive for universal equality.”

And that is why little boys are taught to fart loudly and crudely, whereas little girls (who are sugar and spice and all things nice) are taught to fart in the quietest possible manner.

Further legislation is to be introduced in the future to refine the situation. It is sexist to demand that boys and girls be taught to fart differently. All must fart the same. In future, aliens when they visit are to rightly be perplexed as to who are the males and who are the females. They’ll consider sending a team of scientists to investigate.

1856. The fart cushion

Hilton was a little bit surprised when he opened his birthday present from Jude. Jude had been a life-long friend but lived far away. They still remembered each other’s birthdays and would send gifts through the mail. This year Jude had sent Hilton one of those trick fart cushions that you put on a chair and it sounds like someone farts loudly when they sit on it.

A fart cushion – or a whoopee cushion, whatever they’re called these days – was funny the first time; like back in 1842AD when Hilton saw (or rather heard) his first one. These days they were about as funny as a tetraplegic in a three-legged race. Why Jude had sent him one for his birthday was anyone’s guess.

Hilton wrote to Jude thanking him for his gift. Ha ha ha! said Hilton. It was great fun thank you. He fooled his three year old grandson who thought it was a scream. And so, Jude, it brought much joy on my birthday!

Hilton never worked out why Jude had sent him such a stale trick that was both useless and unfunny, and Jude never said. Which possibly explains why none of us, dear Reader, have the slightest clue either.

1321. To reach a certain age

Robert stood in the aisle of the supermarket looking for a tin of coconut milk. His recipe for sweet potato pudding called for quarter of a cup. He couldn’t find it anyway. Fortunately there were a couple of supermarket shelf-stackers close by putting things on shelves.

“Excuse me,” said Robert, “could you tell me where I might find the coconut milk?”

“As luck would have it,” said a shop worker, “it’s right in front of you.”

“Oh! So it is!” said Robert. “I must be going blind!”

At that moment, Robert farted. It wasn’t a quiet fart. It was a long fart and very, very loud. The shelf-stackers pretended not to hear. Robert knew he’d reached a certain age because he didn’t give a stuff.