Tag Archives: fairy story

2233. The Candy House

The horrible witch pushed Hansel and Gretel into the refrigerator and the light went out when the door was shut. They had a terrible time trying to stay cool.

The witch was busy heating up the cooking range to roast Hansel and Gretel when the woodsman turned up and pushed the witch into the oven. He then went on his way.

Oven doors can be pushed open from the inside, so that is what the witch did and she stepped out back into the kitchen. Fridge doors are not like oven doors; they need the outside handle pulled to open the door. Hansel and Gretel pushed their shoulders to the door – WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! – and the refrigerator fell over on top of the witch and killed her.

Now the door of the fridge was face down on top of the witch’s corpse and there was no hope of escape. That was when the woodsman returned because he’d forgotten his axe. He saw the fridge on top of the dead witch and said “Good riddance to bad rubbish”. He pushed the fridge upright and in doing so accidentally opened the door.

Hansel and Gretel stepped out and the woodsman said “What the heck are you doing in there?” Everyone was very happy because the woodsman was Hansel and Gretel’s father.

He said to his kids, “Just leave your dead stepmother on the floor. Let’s go outside and eat some candy off a drain pipe.”

2213. Twins

(Day 6 of a week of retelling traditional folktales.)

A childless queen was told by a wise old lady that two flowers would grow from underneath her bed.

“Eat one and you shall have a child.”

The queen ate both and bore twin girls. One girl was very beautiful; the other was ugly as sin and rode a goat while waving a wooden spoon. A witch came along and cut off the head of the beautiful twin and replaced the head with a calf’s head. The twins searched the world for the beautiful head and they eventually found it. The girl put her beautiful head back on and the twins escaped to a foreign kingdom.

The king of the kingdom fell in love with the beautiful twin. But the ugly twin would not consent to the marriage unless she herself married the king’s son. The king consented. On the way to the wedding the king’s son was sullen.

The ugly twin said, “Why are you so sullen? Why don’t you ask why I ride a goat?” He asked and the goat turned into a magnificent horse.

The ugly twin asked, “Why don’t you ask why I wave a wooden spoon?” He asked and the wooden spoon turned into a silver wand.

The ugly twin asked, “Why don’t you ask why I am so ugly?” He asked and she was ugly no more. In fact she was the most beautiful princess in the whole, whole world.

(Footnote: Awww).

1978. Bedtime story

A change of tone… This is a fairy story to read to children at bedtime.

Once upon a time a man had three wives. The three wives were very jealous of one another. The first wife caught the second wife and put her through the mincer to make ground meat. She fed the ground meat to the third wife who died having the most terrible convulsions caused by the horrible meat.

The first wife was now the only wife left. When the husband found that she had brutally murdered the other two wives he cut her head off. Out popped a terrible venomous snake from her neck. The snake bit the husband and he died of snake poison.

Now there were four dead people. The snake escaped and has been seen only twice, each time under a bed.

I’ll turn the light out now. Sleep tight.

1936. A lovely award, and a story “Chop! Chop the head off!”

Herb of Prudentia Sit has given me the loveliest of awards! It is the Herb Thinks I’m Special Award. The award simply means that Herb “would like to have a cup of coffee with this blogger sometime”.

It does not require any questions to be answered or anything special to be done. It is simply an honor bestowed! Thank you, Herb. It is greatly greatly appreciated. Make sure you visit Herb’s blog. As a blogger he’s long in the tooth! I don’t mean he’s old – I simply mean he’s practised his blogging skills for many a year!

By way of thanks, I dedicate today’s story to Herb. Thanks Herb!

Battleaxe handed her stepson, Douglas, a machete and said “It’s all yours”.

“I’ve put up for long enough with your three pet turkeys,” said Battleaxe. “They make a terrible gobbling noise all the time, they poo everywhere, they eat too much, and worst of all you spend too much time with them when you should be doing extra school work – especially studying the History of Systemic Racism which you’re bad at. Chop off the turkeys’ heads.”

Douglas loved his turkeys. He had found the baby turkeys wandering around in the long grass on their own after their mother had been killed by a farmer’s dog. He took them home and cared for them. He called each one Gobble, Gobble, and Gobble because he couldn’t tell the difference one from the other.

How does a wicked stepmother expect an eight year old boy to chop off the heads of his three pet turkeys when they were his only friends? His father had died suddenly not long after he had rescued the baby turkeys and now he was looked after by his stepmother who was nasty and cruel and had featured in many a story by the Brothers Grimm.

“When you’ve chopped off their heads,” said spitefully foul stepmother Battleaxe, “you can cut up the firewood and sweep the yard. Then come back for more things to do on my list.”

Douglas went out and called the three turkeys. They recognized his voice. They came running. His stepmother appeared on the scene to make sure he did the job properly and didn’t cave in with scruples. Douglas raised the machete.

“One! Two! Three! Chop! Chop the head off!” screamed the wicked stepmother.

So he did.

1858. Jack the giant killer

Jack the Giant Killer is an English fairy tale and legend about a young adult who slays a number of bad giants during King Arthur’s reign. The tale is characterised by violence, gore and blood-letting. Giants are prominent in Cornish folklore, Breton mythology and Welsh Bardic lore. Some parallels to elements and incidents in Norse mythology have been detected in the tale, and the trappings of Jack’s last adventure with the Giant Galigantus suggest parallels with French and Breton fairy tales such as Bluebeard. Jack’s belt is similar to the belt in The Valiant Little Tailor, and his magical sword, shoes, cap, and cloak are similar to those owned by Tom Thumb or those found in Welsh and Norse mythology.

Jack and his tale are rarely referenced in English literature prior to the eighteenth century (there is an allusion to Jack the Giant Killer in Shakespeare’s King Lear, where in Act 3, one character, Edgar, in his feigned madness, cries, “Fie, foh, and fum,/ I smell the blood of a British man”). Jack’s story did not appear in print until 1711. It is probably an enterprising publisher assembled a number of anecdotes about giants to form the 1711 tale. One scholar speculates the public had grown weary of King Arthur – the greatest of all giant killers – and Jack was created to fill his shoes. Henry Fielding, John Newbery, Samuel Johnson, Boswell, and William Cowper were familiar with the tale.

“Mummy, could you just get on with reading the story?”

1572. Zach and the mean stork

(The closing sentence for this story was suggested by Chelsea’s son (one of them). Chelsea’s blog is here. Note: I’m not sure in which countries “Ball” rhymes with “Mall” but it does in mine! Hence this story!)

It all started when Cinderella’s two ugly sisters we invited to the mall by the local handsome prince, Zach. Cinderella wanted to go to the mall too but had nothing sloppy enough to wear.

“Oh how I wish I could go to the mall with my two ugly sisters,” sighed Cinderella. “That way I might meet Prince Zach and we’d get married.”

The next thing, Cinderella’s Hairy Godmother appeared from nowhere. She had a magic wand.

“Come with me, Cindy,” said the Hairy Godmother. Together they went to the mall. Cinderella’s two ugly sisters were there messing around with Prince Zach. The Hairy Godmother waved her magic wand and EUREKA! the two ugly sisters were turned into birds. One was turned into a stork and the other into a hyena. (A hyena is not a bird but the Hairy Godmother had brought only her second-best wand).

The stork started to peck poor Cinderella. Peck! Peck! Peck! What a Neanderthal!

“Help! Help!” cried Cinderella. “I’m getting pecked to bits!”

Prince Zach came to Cinderella’s rescue.

“Don’t be such a mean stork,” said Prince Zach.

So that is the story of Zach and the Mean Stork. Well, it’s not quite the full story. Prince Zach and Cinderella fell in love and… I’m not telling what happened next because I don’t want to spill the beans (or even to throw them out the window) but there was a wedding…

And they all lived happily ever laughter.

1472. A traditional fairy story

For once, a traditional fairy story…

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, a king and queen ruled over a distant land. The queen was kind and lovely and all the people of the kingdom adored her. The only sadness in the queen’s life was that she wished for a child but did not have one.

One winter’s day, the queen was sewing an apron to sell to raise money for the local school. She gazed out the ebony window at new fallen snow. She pricked her finger. A single drop of blood fell on the snow. As she looked at the blood on the snow she said, “How I wish I would have a daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony.”

Well quite frankly if that’s what she wanted she shouldn’t have married a king from the Highlands of Papua New Guinea.

1267. Sleeping Beauty

So, Sleeping Beauty had a bit of apple stuck in her throat and she had fallen asleep and everything had grown rampant over her castle and ninety years later a macho handsome prince came along with a machete and knocked back the vegetation then kissed the princess who woke up. It was ninety years later silly.

She was all wrinkled and looked like death warmed up.

1236. Goldilocks the Prowler

It was getting to be a bit of a habit. Goldilocks, in retrospect, had so enjoyed invading the house of the Three Bears, that visiting people’s houses when they weren’t home was becoming a bit of a habit. She’d visited the homes of the Three Raccoons, the Three Prairie Chickens, and the Three Coyotes. Next on the list was the house of the Three Beavers.

Goldilocks the Prowler had to put on her swimming trunks to visit the Beavers because they had built their house on the water in the river. But it was no trouble. Goldilocks knocked on their door and of course, as she had suspected, they weren’t home. Goldilocks entered uninvited.

First she sat in the chairs. Then she ate some porridge. Then she went to sleep in one of the beds. While she was asleep a storm swept through. The river flooded, and Goldilocks drowned.

What a silly girl!

890. Happily ever after

902canary

The really horrible witch turned herself into a beautiful damsel about to be eaten by a wicked dragon. A handsome prince, called Prince Bogdan, came along and rescued her. They fell in love and got married and had five children. Then they got sick of each other and divorced.

The really horrible witch then turned herself into a beautiful sleeping princess who could only be woken by the kiss of a prince. Prince Bogdan came along and kissed her. They fell in love and got married and had five more children. Then they got sick of each other and divorced.

The really horrible witch then turned herself into a beautiful singing canary in a golden cage that would turn into a dazzling woman when released from the cage. By now, after marrying the witch twice and having ten kids, Prince Bogdan was onto it. He thought he would leave the canary in the cage. It would starve to death and the witch would learn a jolly good lesson. So the canary died.

But the witch was even more cunning than Prince Bogdan. She hadn’t turned herself into a canary at all, but was hiding in a cupboard. She came out of the cupboard disguised as a voluptuous lady of the evening, called Evening Primrose, and Prince Bogdan fell in love with her and they got married and had yet another five bloody kids. But Evening Primrose had run out of magic and stayed on as the voluptuous lady of the evening. Every day she had to cook for fifteen kids and stand at the sink and do the dishes. She was very fulfilled, and they lived happily ever after.

To listen to the story being read click HERE!