1959. A finger in every pie

Wendy and Ronald didn’t eat out that often. Now and again they might go to a fast-food chain and get something. Not to take home, but to simply have there and then on one of the outside, bird-crapped tables. But still, an outing is an outing. It’s a change of scene if not exactly dining at the Ritz.

They normally liked to eat healthy. They were not fuss-pots about food but I suppose they could be called “careful eaters”. Healthy eating meant that going to get an unhealthy meat pie or an unhealthy hamburger and French fries once in a while was an absolute treat!

It was while Ronald was tucking onto his kangaroo and double egg burger that he came across a finger; a human finger. Although he wasn’t sure because he had already bitten into it and therefore pulled the finger out of his mouth, he was ninety percent sure that the finger had been stuck in the kangaroo meat rissole.

“Look what I found in my hamburger!” exclaimed Ronald to Wendy. “Someone’s index finger!”

“It’s not an index finger,” said Wendy. “I think it’s a middle finger.”

“How would you know that?” said Ronald. “They’re both very much the same.”

A wee argument ensued, with both Wendy and Robert sticking to their guns; although Wendy reckoned it was from a right hand and Ronald from a left. In the end they were able to laugh about it.

“It’s an unresolved mystery,” said Ronald as he scrapped his leftover meal with the uneaten finger into the waste bin. “I guess it’s something we will never solve.”

Which just goes to show, if a moral is to be taken from this episode, that wee matrimonial disagreements can sometimes be solved with a little laughter.

1640. Bananas

Paddy liked bananas. The trouble was he used to stuff them in his mouth instead of biting a bit off the end. It drove his mother, quite frankly, bananas. She said:

“Why can’t you eat a banana nicely instead of stuffing it in your mouth? Eat it nicely; like a gorilla.”

In fact Paddy had seen gorillas at the zoo eating bananas. They would peel them nicely and bite a mouthful off at the end.

The other kids at school had seen Paddy eat a banana and instantly gave him the nickname of “Monkey”. In fact, when it came to the classroom singing time, the other boys would sing:

With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give the monkey a banana…

It made the teacher very annoyed.

There was no changing the way Paddy would eat a banana. Even when he grew up and got married his wife would say:

“Why can’t you eat a banana nicely instead of stuffing it in your mouth? Eat it nicely; like a gorilla.”

And then quite a few years later, when he went to the Old Peoples Retirement Village, there were a couple of old men who had gone to school with Paddy and they would sing:

With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give the monkey a banana…

For Paddy it was all water off a duck’s back. He took no notice. Being deaf has some advantages.

814. Skipping breakfast

Hunter Hetherington was a great proponent of the healthy breakfast. Skipping breakfast has pretty consistently been linked to health risks: high blood pressure, overweight, and an unhealthy assortment of blood-fats.

Hunter never skipped breakfast. You could say he was a health fanatic. Men who skip breakfast, he said, were 27% more likely to experience a heart attack or to die as the result of coronary heart disease. The men who skip breakfast were more likely to be single, smokers, employed full-time, to drink more alcohol, were younger, and were less likely to be physically active than people who ate breakfast.

Let us learn from what Hunter Hetherington says, as today we gather to mourn his sudden passing.

To listen to the story being read click HERE!

783. The Robinson Family eats

The Robinson family didn’t sit down together for a meal very often. Occasionally, Elizabeth Robinson would insist her husband and their four sons come together and share a meal “like proper people”.

There was Bill. He was the Dad. Dad was in charge. Someone has to be in charge when you have four sons all in their teens.

Fritz was the oldest boy. He was nineteen, and rarely home. He was either working at the factory or out with his girlfriend. Occasionally he would doss down at home. Today he was gulping down his food because he was in a hurry. “Don’t be in such a hurry,” said his father. “It’s not often we get to sit down as a family.”

Ernest was the second son. He was seventeen. He was an apprentice mechanic. He didn’t have a steady girlfriend but was usually either dog-tired after a day’s work or doing the party thing. Today he was gulping down his food because he was in a hurry. “Don’t be in such a hurry,” said his father. “Chew your food properly.”

Then there was Jack. Jack was fifteen and still at school. He was very studious. He was hoping to be an industrial chemist of some sort when he grew up; or maybe some kind of forensic scientist. Today he was eating his food slowly, chewing each mouthful like he was deep in thought. “Hurry up with your food,” said his father. “We don’t want to be here all day.”

The youngest was Franz. He was a bit of a mummy’s-boy. He liked staying home, and was addicted to his computer. Today he was gulping down his food because he was in a hurry to get back to a computer game. “Slow down!” said his father.

“Why?” asked Franz.

“If you’re going to masticate,” said his father, “masticate properly.”

Franz went a deep purple. His three brothers hooted with laughter.

To listen to the story being read click HERE!