2301. The study of Earthlings

Earthlings are so tasteless. I don’t mean we eat them; I mean they don’t have much judgement when it comes to being classy. No taste. Four of us landed on Planet Earth several months ago and we have merged into the crowd while we observe Earthling behaviour.

The first thing I dislike very much is having to wear big plastic earrings with numbers on them. Mine are blue. Some others wear yellow. There doesn’t seem to be much variety in colour, not to mention variation in design. Of course we wear the horrible things to “merge in” but just how tasteless can one get?

Secondly, these Earthlings are extremely lazy. They have these two-legged servants – slaves I would call them – who do all the work. They feed the Earthlings, they milk the Earthlings, they move the Earthlings into different fields so that they have a change of view. The Earthlings do nothing for themselves. It is all done by their two-legged slaves.

The third most noticeable thing is that they have a pretty limited vocabulary. They seem to make the same word have different meanings according to the context and the intonation. I suppose it could best be described as “Blluhhhh”, although Astrzinia from our group reckons it sounds more like “Moooo”. Whatever.

Thankfully our time studying the Earthlings is drawing to a close and I’ll be able to take off these ridiculous earrings. I look forward to being able to have a decent conversation once again. And as for those two-legged servants – goodness gracious! They’re more of a nuisance than anything else. Astrzinia is taking a couple of the two-legged servants back home with her to put in the local zoo.

2187. Alien first aid

Poor Mrs. Mabel Bloxham had been chosen at random and abducted by aliens. They were taking her back to their home planet for investigation.

Normally Mabel wouldn’t have minded. In fact, she would enjoy the adventure, but in this case they had snatched her away and she was without her medication.

She asked the aliens in the flying saucer on the way (she did so via the exfibbertranslaticator) if they had extra advanced medical knowledge and could zap her back to full health. They answered that human physical makeup was so different from theirs that their advanced medicine would offer no advantage. That was why they wanted to examine her to learn more about the bodies of Earthlings. Then they might be of help.

Mrs. Mabel Bloxham’s problem was that she had no legs. Her legs were artificial. She had to take pills to stabilize things.

Upon examination the aliens were astounded. They had no idea when they abducted her that she was legless.

The aliens were from an advanced civilization. They had no word for war. They had no word for pain. They had no word for bad. They simply spread kindness throughout the universe. Which was why, when they arrived on Earth to help the humans, they cut off everyone’s legs.

1427. Astral music

One of the most striking features of the Aliens that arrived on Earth was their humility. They had gone to the trouble of learning our language (well, Spanish and Cantonese at least). They brought gifts of books of literature and science and CDs of music. They were intelligent, creative, and highly courteous. In short, they were wonderful ambassadors for their planet.

Of course, in the main, the Earthlings were not very impressed with them. The Alien literature wasn’t as good as Earth’s. Where was their Shakespeare? Who were their great scientists, such as Newton and Einstein? And as for their music… Oh goodness me! What incomprehensible nonsense!

What did the aliens think of Bach and Mozart and Beethoven? Wasn’t Earth’s music more heavenly? More expressive? Such a rich heritage!

The Aliens explained that their music was different for all sorts of reasons, but so as not to be arrogant, they were leaving three of their more notable pianists behind so they could study Earth’s classical music in greater depth. So stay behind on Earth they did.

The first thing the Earthlings did was to chop off nineteen of each Alien’s fingers. If you are going to play Beethoven properly you can’t do it with twenty-nine fingers.