Tag Archives: divorce

1586. In pursuit of happiness

When Noreen married Hank it was so exciting. They had a little nest egg put away, and although both had reasonably stable jobs (Noreen was a cook and Hank was a carpenter) they spent hours discussing what they might do together to be self-employed and earn a living.

In the end it boiled down to two options: they could buy a tavern or they could buy a Bed and Breakfast. Noreen was not overly keen on the tavern, mainly because she had never been in a tavern in her entire life, let alone drink alcohol other than a wee wine mixed with a little water. On the other hand, being a cook she could whip up a storm for breakfast. Hank wasn’t too keen on having to make beds all day and sometimes cook, but Noreen assured him that she would cook and make the beds and his job was to maintain the gardens and buildings. What could be better? A Bed and Breakfast it was!

As if it had been made for them, a rural business came up for sale next to fields of wild flowers, next to a lake, next to a mountain. The sellers assured Noreen and Hank that business flourished, especially when hordes of visitors came over the summer. The Bed and Breakfast was purchased.

At the time of taking over, winter was approaching. The tourist season was over. Noreen discovered she was pregnant. Hank put his back out while creating an herb garden. Spring and summer arrived. Wife and husband were incapacitated. They couldn’t afford to hire help. They argued. Noreen lost the baby. They separated. They divorced. They sold the business for next to nothing. Each went their own way. Each have lived a miserable life since.

That’s the way things go when all turns to slush. Hank can’t cook, is grossly overweight, and lives on hamburgers and fish and chips. Noreen is a raging alcoholic and drinks herself silly every night. Let’s hope they don’t die before they find happiness.

1384. A get-rich-quick scheme

Malvina came up with a brilliant plan: she would open a separate, secret bank account. Then if she got married and divorced all the spare money could go into that account. She figured she needed to get married and divorced about four times, depending upon the profitability of the rejected spouse.

All was going fine until the third spouse. He pushed her under a bus.

Without being too nasty, everyone was rather pleased.

1193. Hell and back

At last! Helen Brown was getting a divorce. It had been a tumultuous marriage and now it was over. She was rid of her abusive, domineering, vindictive, jealous husband.

“I have been to hell and back,” announced Helen.

To celebrate, she reverted to her maiden name: Helen Back.

(Footnote: Dear Discerning Reader, Since moving house I no longer have unlimited broadband. A certain amount is paid for and allotted each month – which is needed primarily for work from home. Earlier this week, from 9 to 10.30 am on two consecutive days, when my computer wasn’t even turned on, nine GB were used up. Until this mystery of squander is solved my participation, other than daily posts, will be limited – so comments, likes, etc. from me will be minimal. Thanks. Have a nice day! Bruce)

 

1188. In hot water

Imelda was adamant. She reckoned that instant coffee tasted ten times better if the kettle was switched off just before boiling. “One degree under boiling, and the coffee tastes best,” she said.

Bradford, the husband of Imelda, disagreed. “Water that’s had the living daylights boiled out of it tastes best,” he said.

Anyway, they got a divorce over irreconcilable differences. The three kids – Guava, Banana, and Ugli Fruit – were farmed out, and Imelda and Bradford got on with their movie careers.

1095. Family arguments

My friend from school, Broderick Entwistle; his parents don’t argue like my parents do. My parents argue all the time, even when my friend, Broderick, comes to stay the night. They argue and argue like no one else is there. Sometimes I wish they’d go their separate ways and be done with it.

Broderick Entwistle’s parents never argue. When I stay over at their place they’re as nice as pie, and Mrs Entwistle is lovely. She has time to talk to me and ask me things because she’s not spending all her time arguing with her husband like my parents do.

I like going to the Entwistle’s place. It’s a relief not to have to listen to my parents going on and on. And the Entwistle’s place is so happy. Unlike mine.

So it was a bit of a surprise when Broderick told me this afternoon that his parents were getting a divorce.

1025. See what I mean?

1025lamborghini

Let me get one thing straight. You jokers, all you jokers who want to be rich, it’s no fun being rich. It’s no fun being famous. I might be a film star but life’s not all a bed of roses. Let me illustrate.

Yesterday my wife walked out on me, and tonight I’ve got my first date since. I’m pretty excited about it, as she’s a fairly well-known person and has both looks and money. A celebrity. The money bit suits me down to the ground, especially since the now-ex-wife will try to get at least half of what’s mine.

It’s important that I impress, so I thought I’d pick the new woman up in a brand-new Lamborghini. A white one. Well, the stupid car dealer had only one Lamborghini and it was red. You’d think with a cash sale they’d make a bit of an effort. There wasn’t time to search around for a white Lamborghini because I need it tonight, so I bought the red one. And now I have to go and change my entire wardrobe.

See what I mean?

894. Divorce

894divorce

Millie and Wilfred agreed on one thing: their marriage was over. It had long faded out. As yet, they hadn’t formally divorced.

Then Wilfred won 187 million dollars in the lottery. Problem: how to best claim the money without having to share any of it with his ex?

663. Lachlan had a worm farm

© Bruce Goodman 4 August 2015

663worms

Lachlan had a worm farm. This was a layered cylindrical plastic container where the worms fed on household scraps. They created a magnificent compost for the garden.

These worms required little to no care, but Lachlan spent hours looking and caring for them.

His wife complained that he cared more for the worms more than he did her.

“That’s true,” said Lachlan. And it was true. He did.

Then one day Mrs What-ever-her-name-was-I-can’t-remember, Lachlan’s wife, upped and left. When he went to bed that night, Lachlan found all the worms wriggling between the sheets. Lachlan made a mental note: when the divorce comes through he’d make sure she got half of everything. He might even throw in some rotten stinking kitchen scraps for free.

587. All in vane

© Bruce Goodman 20 May 2015

587vane

Algernon had this brilliant idea of putting a weather vane on the topmost gable of his three-story house. In fact, he’d been given a weather vane for Christmas and this was the perfect place for it.

Algernon’s wife was Metta. She longed for a divorce, and the weather vane gift was part of her plan.

“We won’t be able to see the direction of the wind without going outside and looking up. Put it on the roof of the garden shed. Then we can see it from the lounge.” Metta knew that he would disagree, and this statement by her was meant to reinforce Algernon’s determination to place the weather vane on the topmost gable of his three-story house.

Was Metta hoping he would fall perhaps, and break his neck so she could run off with lover Roland? We shall see.

Algernon got a huge ladder and climbed up one, two, three stories. He nailed the weather vane to the topmost gable. There! All he need do now was to set north to point north and south to south. He needed a compass.

He was about to climb down the ladder. Metta removed it. Algernon was stuck three stories up.

As Metta backed away balancing the huge ladder, she tripped on some boulders in the garden that had hitherto not been there. She fell backwards with the ladder on top of her.

Algernon climbed down the spare ladder he’d placed on the other side of the house. He phoned Roland.

“She’s all yours,” said Algernon as he drove off in his Mercedes.