Tag Archives: dialogue

Repeat of Story 379: Beer garden

(This is the eighth and final story in a week or so of repeats. “Beer garden” first appeared on this blog on 24 October 2014. The picture is a detail of a wonderful photograph by Terry Barca. It was what inspired this story. In the photograph, every face could tell a story or two. WARNING: The story contains foul language.)

Yeah, well I’m standing there outside in this pub’s beer garden, and I’ve got a bottle of beer, Haägen I suppose, or something like that because the bottle’s green as far as I remember. And I’m talking to this chick. And she’s really boring.

Then this other guy comes along and starts talking to this chick, and they talk and talk like I’m not there. And I’m stuck with my back to the wall, and they’re in front of me, and there’s no way I can escape. I’m trapped. So I nod and smile like I’m interested (“so I just fed it some crushed cereal” she said), like it’s the biggest fucking deal in the world.

Then he asks if she’s got any other pets, and she said she had a cat but gave it away when it got the goldfish. I take a swig of the Haägen only to find there’s nothing left in the bottle. I say I’m going to get another drink, and it’s like I’m not there, he’s so into her fucking cat.

Eventually I say excuse me and push right past them and go to the bar and get another Haägen. And when I turn round, over at the chick there’s this big hulky bastard smashing a bottle over the head of the boring cat-lover. So I think, fuck this, if we’re going to get entertainment I might as well get a proper drink.

Like a bourbon and coke.

1492. An autobiography

Danny: Did you hear the one about the goldfish that wore a Panama hat… etc etc all the way to the punchline.

All (uproarious laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Herbie: There was a paediatrician, a phlebotomist, and an obstetrician having…

Joe: Then there was the one where the kangaroo and the elephant thought… etc etc all the way to the punchline.

All (uproarious laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Herbie: There was a paediatrician, a phlebotomist, and an obstetrician having…

Danny: This woman came up to a policeman and said… etc etc all the way to the punchline.

All (uproarious laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Herbie: There was a paediatrician, a phlebotomist, and an obstetrician having…

Joe: There was a paediatrician, a phlebotomist, and an obstetrician having… etc etc all the way to the punchline.

All (uproarious laughter): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Herbie: Oh well.

1424. Dialogue

Wife: You haven’t heard a word I’ve been saying, have you? You never listen to what I say. It’s plain rude. I spent the last twenty minutes trying to explain to you why Katie isn’t doing so well at school and you haven’t heard a word. Not a word.

Husband: What a funny way to start a conversation.

1388. A multifarious conundrum

“Oh what a multifarious conundrum,” said Stephanie to her good friend Juliet.

Juliet did not know what a multifarious conundrum was, so she sort of laughed and said, “Yes! It can get like that.”

“The trouble is,” said Stephanie, “when I go somewhere it’s always the same. The same thing. And it gets tiresome.”

“It certainly does,” said Juliet, not having a clue what Stephanie was talking about.

“A bit of this and a bit of that. All in all, there are so many aspects to consider,” said Stephanie.

“Yes,” agreed Juliet. “Sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re Arthur or Martha.”

“How do you mean?” said Stephanie. “I don’t understand.”

“Well,” said Juliet feeling caught, “it’s sort of like not knowing where to move next, how best to cope with the complexity of the situation.”

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” said Stephanie. “It’s not like that at all for me.”

“Oh well,” said Juliet.

“Oh well is not good enough,” said Stephanie. “I asked for a bit of sympathy and all I get is an ‘Oh well’. I really expected more. Quite frankly, Juliet, I find it disconcerting. I thought you’d be more sympathetic.”

“Oh well,” said Juliet. “I was trying to be helpful.”

“Helpful my foot,” said Stephanie. “I thought you were my friend. I’m off. Call me when you can think straight.”

Stephanie walks off.

“Good,” said the Director. “Let’s run through that again. This time, try to make it less snarky and more smarmy.”