2160. Dentures

It was strange. The dentist’s business had been broken into eighteen times and yet nothing had been taken. Nothing, it appeared, had been touched.

The video showed each time a person wearing a loose black kaftan-styled garment with an unattached black cloth covering the head. The figure would head to where the dentist kept any dentures that needed adjusting or fixing. It was impossible to see what was going on but it appeared that no dentures had gone missing in any of the break-ins. There were no signs of anything having been tampered with.

It was only after this had happened ten or eleven times that a highly specialized forensic scientist was called in. Such scientists charge the earth, and there wasn’t a murder or any serious consequences that called for someone so expensive to investigate. However it had happened far too often and the mystery had to be somehow solved.

It took the scientist quite a time to discover anything and by then there had been further break-ins, and not just at this dentist’s facilities. Other dentists had reported similar goings-on. In one of the dentures, only one, the scientist found the tiniest implanted microphone.

By now the owner of the dentures with the implant was crying out: Where are my teeth? I am sick of eating soup.

“You’re a typical silly old lady,” said the scientist. “I sent everyone a message. Check your email or your phone.”

“I’m not on email,” said the silly old lady, “and I don’t have a phone.”

Ah! Mystery solved! Further investigation revealed that only those without email or mobile phones had their dentures implanted with a microphone. China had demanded that everyone be follow-able. Google was desperate not to lose the contract.

1799. A full set of teeth

Bruno had lost most of his teeth. It wasn’t because he’d lost them in a fight or anything. Nor had he lost them through lack of care. He had two top teeth right in the front and very little else in his gums. When he smiled he looked like a rabbit; or at least a caricature of a rabbit.

He had brushed his teeth throughout life, and he had been to the dentist when it was deemed absolutely necessary. But his teeth had decided to go on the move and migrated into a bunch. The specialist pulled most of them out to make room and said “You need dentures”.

Getting dentures was easier said than done. They cost money, which Bruno didn’t have. And then he met Bianca. She was as rich as hell. She laughed at Bruno and called him “My little bunny rabbit.” He didn’t mind because they were in love and she paid for his dentures.

That was years ago. They divorced after a few months. Bianca claimed in court that Bruno married her only to get expensive dentures. The judge would have none of it. These days Bruno lives off the interest in the divorce settlement. He met Patsy-Lee on a recent Mediterranean island cruise. She fell in love with his smile.

698. Benji’s teeth

Benj died. For years his false teeth had given him trouble.

People forgave him for his rude manner, his negativity, his brazen critique of everything good; his dentures were to blame; his dentures made his life hell; his dentures were his cross.

When he died, God met him personally at the gate. Did he have any special request? asked God.

“For God’s sake,” said Benji, “fix my bloody teeth.”

So Benji got his teeth back – in a flash, in a jiffy, a trice, a second!

“About time, you selfish git,” said Benji to God.

These days Benji spends his time in Hell, where he weeps and has a full mouth of teeth to gnash.

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