2735. Love is in the air

You’d think that a simple thing like dropping your child off at a day care centre would be a simple thing. Well, it used to be. That was until I started talking to another parent each day. Natalie was her name. She was a solo mother with a daughter the same age as my son. I was a widower. My wife had died not long after Rory was born.

I found myself dropping off Rory each day at the exact time I knew that Natalie was dropping off her child. She worked for the City Council; some sort of secretarial job. I was self-employed. I researched genealogical documents for people who wanted to know their family tree but didn’t have the knowhow to do it themselves. They paid well too!

 Natalie’s hours were flexible, as were mine. It didn’t matter if we dawdled a little when we dropped off our children. Eventually I asked her if she would like to go to lunch and she said “Yes”.

It was the start of something. That was sixteen years ago. My goodness me! What a two-timing double-crossing, selfish, catty, mean, sour hussy her daughter has turned out to be. I can’t wait for her to pack up and leave home. Of course I would never tell Natalie that. She’d go into revenge mode and I couldn’t guarantee my future would be safe. I mean, I’ve always suspected that a couple of years ago she was the one who poisoned Rory.

2726. Be careful who you date

I invited this woman on a date. Her name was Chantelle; except it wasn’t as I discovered later.

When I first met her – at a used car auction of all places – she had a wonderful glow about her. He face shone. “Radiant” would be the word. I was head over heels in an instant. We got talking and that’s when I invited her out on a date. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. She said “Yes”.

The meal was going perfectly – I thought – when I noticed she didn’t have a knife, She was eating politely just with a fork. So I called over the waiter and asked if they would be kind enough to give the lady a knife. One quickly arrived.

When it came time for dessert, again she had no cutlery. The waiter was called and promptly supplied a fork and a spoon. It was then I noticed something. She was eating the cutlery. The more cutlery she ate the more her face glowed. In the end I couldn’t help but ask.

“What’s the story here?” I said.

“I thought you knew,” she replied. “Why else would I have been at a used car auction?”

We never dated again, but I subsequently learned her real name was something sounding extra-terrestrial and she was happily married to a Structural Steel Engineer.

2719. Let’s stay in touch

Let’s face it. It had been three years since Aubrielle had taken a vacation and she was feeling tired. This summer she would definitely go away. And she did. She went to a beach resort, hired a cabin, and spent the first day lolling in the sun. That was when Tristram came along.

He must have been the handsomest man that Aubrielle had ever seen. They got talking and he asked her out on a date. Nothing much really. just a bite to eat at one of the many beach eateries. They got on swimmingly. Talk talk talk! Basically about nothing. Aubrielle’s week’s vacation flew by. They promised to stay in touch.

Yeah right. That was six months ago.

2594. Scrawny little twerp

James was at high school and didn’t have a girlfriend as such. All the others seemed to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Maybe not all; Cora Jones didn’t seem to have a boyfriend and she was the one that James liked the most. With the school dance coming up he had to invite someone but he was too scared to ask Cora in case she said no. So he put it off.

Then with just two days left to go he had to ask someone. He just had to. He hated the thought. He’d rather have a Chemistry test and he hated Chemistry. There was no way out. He had to; he just had to; had to; had to.

Going up to Cora Jones he asked her point blank if she would like to go with him to the dance.

“Who do you think I am, you scrawny little twerp?” said Cora. “Don’t you know I’m going with Nigel Wolland? At least he’s got a personality; and looks. And at least he’s partially co-ordinated enough to dance. So no. Bad luck, loser.”

James went home and the next three days he called in sick. He was glad Cora Jones said no. Imagine having to go out with someone like her. He didn’t go to the dance. He stayed home and watched television.

2575. Blind date

Julia was both nervous and excited. She was off on a blind date. It had been arranged by an apparently reliable dating agency online. They were to meet outside the movie theatre. She vaguely knew what he looked like: a description rather than a photo. Cautionary confidence was one of the mottos of the agency.

She had taken ages preparing. Everything was to be perfect. Who knows? This could be it. As she drove along she felt the contact lens in her right eye get dislodged. It wasn’t a contact lens for seeing; it was to colour her eyes a deep blue. Normally her eyes were a boring grey, but these blue contact lenses really brought her face to light. She had makeup and hair colouring to match. Everything was perfectly co-ordinated. The deep blue eyes looked spectacular against her pitch black hair. If she couldn’t find her dislodged contact, then she couldn’t appear on the date with one blue eye and one grey eye. She would walk straight into the theatre without looking, go to the restroom, and remove the remaining contact. It was better than a double-coloured visage. She would then exit the theatre and seek out her date.

Meantime, Alexander was driving to the theatre. He too was both nervous and excited. It wasn’t often he’d get a weekend that was free like this one. He knew he wouldn’t need to be home until early Monday morning if the occasion demanded it. Let’s hope the movie and date were everything the dating agency had promised.

He found a park fairly close to the theatre, got out, and began the short stroll to the theatre. He couldn’t believe it. This was meant to be his lucky day and he couldn’t get his wedding ring off.

2009. Tortino di riso alla valdostana

“Don’t bother calling this number again,” shouted Belinda, throwing her phone vehemently on the floor.

It had been a bad day. First she had discovered at breakfast that there was no orange juice left. She had darted out to the nearby shop and the time wasted meant she missed her regular bus. She was therefore late for work. When the boss reprimanded her for lateness, Belinda replied “You can stick the job where the sun don’t shine, you toffee-nosed chimpanzee.” That kind of ended her employment, and rather suddenly. Anyway, job termination had been on Belinda’s mind for some time. This merely gave things a push.

Upon returning home she quickly scanned the Net for job vacancies and it seemed that every suitable job stipulated: “Reference from previous employer required.” It was hardly something she could ask from a toffee-nosed chimpanzee.

And now her mother had phoned. “Would you like to come to dinner because the Caltabiano’s, nearby neighbours on Brookland Avenue, are coming and bringing their son, a nice young man that I think you’d like. I thought we would dine poolside.” That’s when Belinda shouted “Don’t bother calling this number again,” and threw her phone vehemently on the floor.

Jobless or not, Belinda decided she would spend a little on herself and go out to lunch at a semi-fancy restaurant. She selected an Italian restaurant, dressed herself nicely (just a little bit to get out of her work clothes) and set out. The waiter was very nice; in fact adorable; in fact quite the most stunning man Belinda had spied in a long time; in fact Belinda was so stricken that she almost couldn’t eat her tortino di riso alla valdostana. “I shouldn’t be saying this,” he said, “but would you like to go dancing this evening?”

Indeed she would! And indeed they did!

“I was meant to go out with my parents this evening,” he said, “to some fuddy-duddy’s place on Brookland Avenue to have dinner poolside because they reckoned they had a lovely daughter. My mother’s always trying to set me up with someone. But honestly, I prefer this.”

1591. A terrible conundrum

What a conundrum it was for Geraldine. Here she was in her early twenties and not once had she ever been asked out on a date by a man. Sure, an older brother took her to the Prom, probably because he felt a bit sorry for her. It wasn’t that she was ugly or anything; in fact, she was quite pretty. And she wasn’t boring. She was vivacious, intelligent, charming, practical, and capable. Why no man would not want to date her was really beyond comprehension.

She had promised her sister that she would babysit the two little children while her sister and husband had a well-deserved night off at the village gala ball. And now, look what happened! Arnie Beukenholdt invited Geraldine to the same ball.

“Bloody hell!” exclaimed Geraldine. “I can’t go. I promised my sister I’d babysit.”

“Oh well,” said Arnie. “Not to worry.”

Of course, come the night of the ball and Geraldine’s sister phoned to say she had caught a cold so the babysitting wasn’t required. Quite frankly, Geraldine was down in the dumps. Arnie Beukenholdt was possibly the handsomest man on the block, and a wonderful sportsman. And such a lovely personality. He wasn’t exactly made of money, but he was hard-working and comfortable. Arnie and Geraldine were made for each other. Geraldine half dialled Arnie’s phone number and then lost confidence.

Then! Oh would you believe! Such things usually only happen in Victorian novels but here it happened in real life! The phone rang! It was Arnie.

“So,” he said, “I wanted to catch you before you went babysitting. If you can’t go to the ball, what about next Thursday?”

Geraldine explained to him what happened. Hasty preparations were made. Geraldine didn’t have time to even do her hair properly. Arnie picked her up in his run-down beaten old car and they went to the ball.

How they danced the night away!

1310. Sage advice

My mother is like really nosey about my private life. Last night I went out with Jeff and my mother wasn’t like very happy about it. Jeff’s the one that got Sheree pregnant. And he’s the center midfielder in the school’s football team. Anyway my mother said, “Now listen Carol, if Jeff tries any funny business, clock him.”

Well I tried, but it was all over before I had time to even look at my watch. I don’t know why my mother needs to know this stuff, so I made it up and told her it took about three quarters of an hour.

(I’ve just realized that this story might not make sense to some: Brit and Austral and NZ: to strike, esp on the face or head; to strike sharply or heavily: e.g. clocked him in the face. )

1025. See what I mean?

Let me get one thing straight. You jokers, all you jokers who want to be rich, it’s no fun being rich. It’s no fun being famous. I might be a film star but life’s not all a bed of roses. Let me illustrate.

Yesterday my wife walked out on me, and tonight I’ve got my first date since. I’m pretty excited about it, as she’s a fairly well-known person and has both looks and money. A celebrity. The money bit suits me down to the ground, especially since the now-ex-wife will try to get at least half of what’s mine.

It’s important that I impress, so I thought I’d pick the new woman up in a brand-new Lamborghini. A white one. Well, the stupid car dealer had only one Lamborghini and it was red. You’d think with a cash sale they’d make a bit of an effort. There wasn’t time to search around for a white Lamborghini because I need it tonight, so I bought the red one. And now I have to go and change my entire wardrobe.

See what I mean?

997. She could only say “No”

Hi. My name is Reece. With the Prom coming up there was this girl in my year called Cosima. And I was too scared to ask her to the Prom.

Way back on Valentine’s Day, Toby Washdyke sent her some roses. And I reckon he’d ask her to be his partner at the Prom before I plucked up the courage to ask. She noticed Toby Washdyke all the time, and hardly ever knew I was even there. I just had to ask her. That’s all. She could only say “No”.

So I did! I asked her! I was sweating like mad. I went straight up to her door where she lived and said “Cosima, would you like to go to the Prom with me?” and she said “Yes!” She said yes! yes! yes!

Well we went to the Prom, and next month our first great grandchild is expected! Imagine that! After fifty-two years.

“Excuse me,” said Cosima. “Was it Toby Washdyke who sent those roses? I always thought it was you.”

Listen the story being read HERE!