2641. An exciting cruise

Thank goodness Hubert and I booked our Caribbean cruise before David took ill. It would be a bit on the nose to book a luxury three weeks on an ocean liner once news came out that our son has terminal cancer. Still, it’s a bit of a worry that he might die while we’re away. We’d possibly have to fly home and it could ruin our long-planned adventure.

Mind you, David hasn’t really made much of his life so attendance at his obsequies could be debatable. It’s not as if he would be alive to notice we’re not there, and the few friends he has are so insignificant they probably wouldn’t even notice.

We wanted David to be a doctor or a football star. Something like that. But he not only failed Physics, Chemistry, and Mathematics at school, but he didn’t even make the bottom sports team. He ended up getting a job at the local museum. Goodness knows what he did all day. Everything is dead and in glass cabinets. There’s nothing to do.

I’m about to go shopping for our Caribbean cruise. Hubert wants something nice to go swimming in and I want a couple of pretty sun dresses. Something brash and Hawaiian I think. Something that will make a splash. Although I’m not sure which island in the Caribbean is Hawai’i.

Mind you, I joked to Hubert that what I’m buying would hardly be clothes one would be seen dead wearing at a funeral, but if we do go to the trouble of attending the funeral at least everyone will notice that we’re there. In fact, if we tell everyone to wear something bright and cheerful I won’t have to change out of my Hawaiian get-up!

Aloha.

2227. A sudden medical event

Don’t take this the wrong way but I’m not after sympathy. My wife died unexpectedly two days ago. We had planned to go on a seven week luxury cruise around the Pacific Islands. There she was starting to pack our things for the experience of a lifetime and the next thing she was dead.

This is starting to sound like I’m more shocked with missing out on the cruise than I am about my wife’s sudden departure. We had been married for fifteen years. There were no children; that was from choice and not from the vagaries of Nature. So we were quite free to go on a seven week cruise without too much responsibility for what was left behind at home.

We were both in the bedroom when it happened. The luggage lay open on the bed. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe like she was being strangled. She was flaying her arms about and making a horrible screeching noise. And the next thing she was on the floor dead.

I honestly didn’t know what to do next. In events such as this one plays things by ear. I didn’t call for an ambulance. Instead I took the luggage off the bed, picked her up, and lay her down. I know when a corpse can’t be resuscitated.

The problem now is how to get rid of the body before Betsy-Sabrina and I leave to go on a seven week luxury cruise around the Pacific Islands.

1823. Adventure on the high seas

Look! It’s not Maxine’s fault that her husband was a sour-puss from the second he stepped onto the cruise liner. Gordon was determined to make Maxine’s longed-for cruise as unpleasant as possible. There were several reasons for this: Maxine had been planning this cruise for a year and Gordon was sick of her going on and on about it. Also Gordon was worried, if the cruise was a success, that she’d want to waste even more of their hard-earned savings year after year on further cruises.

They had been befriended by a Mr. and Mrs. Calvin and Gail Harlick of Cabin 1763. He was a buffoon if ever there was one, although Gail was quite nice. Actually a little more than quite nice, Gordon thought. But Calvin went on and on about nothing. He would monopolize the conversation at dinner and it would inevitably be about himself. The only saving grace at dinner was that Gail sitting opposite would affectionately rub the calf of Gordon’s leg with the toe of her high heels. It was their little joke.

Maxine and Gordon were always invited back to Cabin 1763 for a little drink after the meal, but so far they hadn’t accept the invitation. And then a storm hit. It was so rough that the passengers were confined to their quarters for a brief time. Gordon insisted he and Maxine go up onto the deck. “This storm is the only exciting thing to have happened thus far on the trip.”

That was when Maxine gave Gordon a push over the side, saying “Go join Gail Harlick.”

Steadying herself against the railing, Maxine made her way to Cabin 1763.

1799. A full set of teeth

Bruno had lost most of his teeth. It wasn’t because he’d lost them in a fight or anything. Nor had he lost them through lack of care. He had two top teeth right in the front and very little else in his gums. When he smiled he looked like a rabbit; or at least a caricature of a rabbit.

He had brushed his teeth throughout life, and he had been to the dentist when it was deemed absolutely necessary. But his teeth had decided to go on the move and migrated into a bunch. The specialist pulled most of them out to make room and said “You need dentures”.

Getting dentures was easier said than done. They cost money, which Bruno didn’t have. And then he met Bianca. She was as rich as hell. She laughed at Bruno and called him “My little bunny rabbit.” He didn’t mind because they were in love and she paid for his dentures.

That was years ago. They divorced after a few months. Bianca claimed in court that Bruno married her only to get expensive dentures. The judge would have none of it. These days Bruno lives off the interest in the divorce settlement. He met Patsy-Lee on a recent Mediterranean island cruise. She fell in love with his smile.

1195. Fat man’s widow

Roberto was so fat when he died that a special coffin had to be made.

“We don’t stock gigantic coffins for grossly fat people,” said the undertaker to the grieving widow. “You’ll have to get one specially made.”

The poor grieving widow had nowhere to turn. She said she couldn’t afford to have a coffin specially made, let alone a very large one. She went to see if she could get some government benefit to help out.

“We don’t pay for gigantic coffins for grossly fat dead people,” said the Government agency. “If he’d gone on a diet and exercised a bit of self-control before he kicked the bucket we might have looked at it with a bit of sympathy.”

The grieving widow went to see the pastor of the local church.

“Why would we want to help out?” asked the pastor. “Your late husband was a grossly overweight, fat pig. You can’t have your cake and eat it, although looking at the size of your dead husband I’d say he’d eaten as much cake as he could stuff in his mouth. Haw! Haw! Haw!”

By now the grieving widow was desperate and the body (still sprawled on the sofa in her sitting room) was starting to disintegrate.

“Why haven’t you got rid of the body of that disintegrating, grossly overweight, slobby fat pig?” asked the children of the dead husband’s first marriage.

“I can’t fit his corpse through the door and the undertaker won’t help out until the money for the coffin is paid up first,” said the grieving widow.

People heard of the grieving widow’s plight. Thousands of dollars were donated. The grieving widow used the donated money to go on a world cruise in an ocean liner. You can imagine the stink that caused.

481. Cruise mode

Mabel was on the horns of a dilemma. She had spent month’s planning her Caribbean cruise with her dear friend “Mavis”. It was actually a cruise with her secret lover, Theobald, but what Mabel’s husband didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. Except…

Three days before the Caribbean cruise was due to begin, Mabel’s husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Should she put the cruise off? Of course she should! They had always been known as a loving couple. She couldn’t ruin the image now. And then… anyway…

The life insurance she’d get later was pretty hefty. Mabel and Theobald could go on as many cruises as they wished after the death. So, said Mabel, let’s wait.

And wait they did. Do you think Mabel’s husband would die? He held on; and on and on. Selfish sod. It seemed like nothing would weaken the tenacity with which he clung to life.

And then! At last! At last! He kicked it! Hurrah!

Mabel phoned Theobald with the news. He’s not home?

Didn’t you know? He was off on a cruise with his good friend “Archie”.

446. Something strange

Something strange was happening. The first ten years of Richard’s marriage had been alright. Then things were really bad. Not a pleasantry exchange for the next two years.

Now, suddenly, Doris was as nice as pie. She couldn’t be nice enough. Something’s up, thought Richard.

Was there another man on the scene? Was she having a secret affair? He hired a private detective to follow her. It cost an arm and a leg. The detective found nothing, and was a blinking idiot. Twice he’d called into the house to give a report, when Doris was home. Would you believe? Both times, Richard had to invent an excuse on the spot as to who this guy was and what he was doing in the house.

Next thing, Doris announced she was going on a Caribbean cruise. Where she got the money for it Richard had no clue. But he was glad to see the back of her. It would give him a break from her smarmy, unctuous, wily smiles.

He got a post card from Trinidad and Tobago. Just one. They were enjoying the cruise. They? He never heard from her again. Richard didn’t care. If that useless detective couldn’t tell him who “they” were then he’d never know.