Tag Archives: cow

1473. Fat Ferdinand’s fate

Ferdinand was the most selfish cattle beast in the herd. For example, when the cattle were all driven through a gate into a fresh pasture, every animal would begin to eat the grass just inside the gate. Not so, Ferdinand.

Ferdinand would stroll to the far end of the field away from all the other beasts. That way he wouldn’t have to share. He had all the fresh grass in the world. Several days later, by the time the herd reached the far end of the field they would say to one another, “Where has our grass gone? How come there is no long grass here in the field? Someone selfish must have been eating it.”

That is why Ferdinand was the fattest bull in the herd (and therefore the first to go to the slaughter house).

1395. A spectacular lunar discovery

Daisy Chainey was among the first group of settlers from earth to live on the moon. The group of eight were still reliant on supplies being brought from Mother Earth, but gradually they were working towards being at least a little bit self-supporting. For example, Daisy had a vegetable garden.

Of course it wasn’t a normal vegetable garden; it was under a gigantic human-made dome that created the right conditions for growth. The exciting reality was, however, that the vegetables were being grown in lunar soil (with enhancements).

One day, Daisy was out digging in the dome when she made a huge discovery; she unearthed some bones. It was mind-blowing. The bones were carefully packed and sent back to Earth for investigation.

It didn’t take long for astrophysical palaeontologists to discover what the bones belonged to; they were cow bones. For example, the bovine caudal vertebrae was obvious once pointed out.

“There can be no doubt,” said Dr Stephan Sputnik, “that there were earlier attempts by cows to jump over the moon before one succeeded and the dish ran away with the spoon.”

1358. Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Thousands of years ago, in faraway Poland, Agnieszka milked a sheep and made some cheese. It developed over the years and became a classic cheese throughout the world.

Thousands of years ago, in faraway Holland, Veerletje milked a goat and made some cheese. It developed over the years and became a classic cheese throughout the world.

Thousands of years ago, in faraway Mexico, Acuecucyoticihuati milked a llama and made some cheese. It developed over the years and became a classic cheese throughout the world.

Thousands of years ago, in faraway Latvia, Ludmila milked a cow and made some cheese. Quite frankly, it was disgusting. It never became a classic and Ludmila’s husband fed it to his pigs.

1251. Jack and the beanstalk

(Today’s story is to celebrate what is apparently “National Tell a Fairy Tale Day” in the United States!)

Jack’s mother was absolutely skint, except for the cow of course which was dry and she didn’t have a freezer back in those days to freeze the meat.

“Jack,” she said, “Take the cow to the market and sell it so we can buy enough food to last us a few days. After that I don’t have a clue what we’re going to do.”

Jack took the cow – it was brown and white – and headed for the market. On the way he met an old man who offered him a handful of beans in exchange for the cow. Jack took them, grateful that he didn’t have to walk all the way to market.

When he got home, deep down his mother was really annoyed, but she patiently said, “That’s lovely, Jack. We shall make some bean soup with them.”

And she did that. It lasted for only one meal.

Oh! If only she had angrily tossed the beans out the window! What a difference it would have made to their lives!

969. New to the farm

969ostrich

A sheep, a cow, and a pig are standing at the farm fence watching the arrival of a truck with new livestock.

Sheep: Who do you suppose is arriving this time?
Cow: It could be a cow.
Pig: It could be a pig.
Sheep: It could be a sheep.

Two ostriches step off the truck and on to the field.

Pig: What are they doing here?
Cow: (calling out) Go home, you dirty foreigners.
Sheep: We have lived on this land for generations.
Pig: No room here. It’s crowded enough as it is.

Cow: They messed up their own land, and so now they have to come and mess up ours.
Sheep: Here goes the neighbourhood.
Pig: They say ostriches can kick something terrible. They’re introducing violence into society.
Cow: Next thing they’ll expect us to welcome alpacas.

Pig and Sheep: (in shock) Alpacas! Whatever for?

800. They’re away today

(No audio today!)

My Master is away today and it is meant to be the 800th story on the 800th day. We really can’t let the occasion go by without a commemoration of some sort. Usually I’m not allowed near the computer, but since no one is here, I shall step in and take charge.

My name is Delia. I am a dog. It’s certainly a dog’s life, and I seem to be the dog’s body around here.

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The first thing I did this morning was to jump into a proper bed and have a sleep-in. Normally I’m not allowed anywhere near the bed, let alone under the blankets.

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The next thing I did was to get Jeeves (he’s the butler) to drive me around the farm. There are so many animals to keep in order.

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When I got back it was time for my walk. I don’t know how they managed to arrange it but somehow the Pope took me, as you can see from the picture. The crowds were phenomenal.

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Then of course it was time to eat, so the cat said grace first (she is such a hypocrite). She did it obviously because the Pope was there. She never usually bothers.

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And then (you won’t believe this) after eating she pretended to read the Bible.

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Of course, the Pope told us to be nice to everyone, so I’ve been trying. First with the silly old cow.

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And then with her silly old calf.

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And finally with the silly old stuffed toy. I’m sick of kissing everyone.

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I’m not going to be nice to the goat. He’s a bit of an old devil.

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Hark! (or rather, Bark!) I hear a car! They’re arriving back home! I shall hastily press the post button for all of this. The cat and I shall sit on the veranda and look innocent.

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We haven’t done a thing all day. We’ve been so good. Have a nice day one and all!