1838. A handy tip

Tammy Barsby left a two thousand dollar tip for all the staff at the local pizzeria. “I was moved to tears,” said Kimmy Bretherton. “I have worked at Uncle Sammy’s Pizzeria for eleven years and I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Owner Sammy Luciano said that Tammy Barsby had been a regular patron for at least the last four years. “There are still bright spots in our fallen world,” he said. “Tammy’s wonderful generosity will help us get through the dark times and brighten our hearts with the love of giving.”

“I’ve never seen anyone done something like that in my whole life,” said regular patron, Marcellus Caversham. “I’ve never done nothing like that myself. There’s usually three people working there at one time, so divide two thousand by three, whatever that is, and you get a pretty nest egg.”

Letter to Editor 1: I was moved to read of the generosity of Tammy Barsby. It’s certainly not something that the leader of the country would have done. He is a lying, deceiving box of maggots. In fact he probably is the real owner of the pizzeria and just wanted the publicity so he paid the woman to drop the tip off at the pizzeria. That guy can’t do anything unless it’s about himself.

Letter to Editor 2: The fact that someone had to leave a tip for an exorbitant amount shows what hard times we live in under the current administration. The government’s dealing with the economy leaves much to be desired, but if the other person had won the election we’d have a brilliant Foundation to help us all out.

Letter to Editor 3: I don’t know why Uncle Sammy’s Pizzeria gets the headlines and the money. Their pizzas are inferior. I own and run the Happy Family Pizzeria just down the road. Not only do we make better pizzas, but we don’t bleed off the general public like Uncle Sammy.

Letter to Editor 4: I work part-time on a Thursday evening at Uncle Sammy’s Pizzeria and you want to know how much of the tip I got? Nothing. It seems you had to be working at the same time as the tip was left to get a proportion (sic) of it. I deserve it as much as anyone.

Letter to Editor 5: I don’t know why everyone is so negative. Moan moan moan. That’s all I hear all day from these idiots who complain about everything all of the time. So selfish! I wish they would all get lined up against a wall and shot. The world would be a happier and more positive place.

Editor: This correspondence is now closed.

1537: The trials of Andrea

(The opening sentence for this story was suggested by Lindsey at Itching for Hitching. If you want to join in the fun of suggesting a future opening sentence for these stories, click here for a peek as to what’s what.)

She sighed deeply and wondered if this would ever stop. This was the third time this afternoon that Andrea’s husband, Thomas, had phoned the Waste Management Company and let them have it.

“Why was my trash taken away late last Wednesday? You call yourself a garbologist?”

“Do you think you can take the trash away when you like? Wednesday morning is the time stipulated that the trash will be picked up at the gate. I don’t care if it was Christmas Day – it was Wednesday.”

“The guy driving the trash truck needs a bomb under him. I wished him good morning and he grunted at me like I was a.. a pig… Where’s the customer service?”

“Don’t you think, dear,” suggested Andrea to Thomas once he had put the phone down, “don’t you think you could just let these people get on with their job? They seem to do it reliably enough.”

“Rubbish,” said Thomas. “I want better service than that.”

When Thomas dialled the number a fourth time, Andrea had had enough.

“I’m going into town,” she said, “to the library. I shall return once all this nonsense is over.”

“You don’t understand,” said Thomas.

Andrea drove into town. What a trial the trash collection company saga had become. She sighed deeply and wondered if this would ever stop. It had been going on ever since her husband had bought the Waste Management Company almost a month ago.

1422. Quite frankly, I’m sick of it

Quite frankly, I’m sick of it, Heidi. I come home from work and the place is a mess. The kids’ rooms are a mess. The kids haven’t even done their homework. The only food to look forward to is precooked stuff out of a package. You just heat it up in the microwave like you don’t care. The dishes don’t get done. The kids eat too much junk.

Then all you do is complain about every little thing. You want a better car. The lawn needs mowing – well, mow it yourself if that’s what you want. You haven’t taken the trash out. You’re not separating trash into recyclables. You don’t take any pride in your appearance any more. You look like an old cow.

Oh yes, Heidi, you have a cold. When don’t you have a cold? Moan moan moan. I cut down your work hours at the factory to only 30 hours a week so you could do some home-making stuff you so desperately wanted and all you do is moan moan moan. Quite frankly, I’m sick of it.

Heidi pulled out a gun and shot him dead. It was premeditated.

1346. In God we trust

Dear Ms Bramley,
Mabel and I were shocked to discover on class open day that a big banner across the wall read “In God we trust”. What sort of superstitious nonsense are you shoving down the throats of seven year olds? Mabel and I are atheists, and we are teaching Connie to be discerning and to be an atheist too. If the banner is not removed we shall be forced to send Connie to another school. It’s not easy being an atheist in today’s world.
Mabel and Reg Parsonage

Dear Ms Bramley,
Charlie and me were so disappointed in the second class open day of the year that the banner across the back wall that read “In God we trust” had been removed. We thought it a brilliant way to instil into Hector the values our country holds dear. We hope you haven’t succumbed to criticism from Mabel and Reg Parsonage who apparently had much to say on the matter.
Charlie and Gwen Green

Dear Ms Bramley,
Francine and I were so disappointed at the lack of posters on the classroom wall on open day. It represented for us the nihilism that has become all too common in our modern society. Bareness, blankness, espousing no meaning in life. We are donating posters of Hillary Clinton and of Kim Jong-un so that the children will have people to look up to.
Francine Smith and Deborah Coolidge

Dear Ms Bramley,
I was outraged to see the poster hanging up in your classroom during the third open day this year. There are many world leaders that would serve as an example to the children… but that!!!… Please remove it or we shall be forced to send Petros and Stavros to another school. The Clintons are no example to tender minds.
Boadicea Whitelock

Dear Ms Bramley,
The blank walls of your classroom during the fourth and final open day of the year was enough to make Dolores and I shudder. There wasn’t even a vase of flowers or any greenery or living creature exhibit in the classroom. How can the children learn to care for the planet when you present such a barren landscape?
Myrtle Bristlewick

Dear Ms Bramley,
Josie came home and said there’s a pet turtle in the classroom. No wonder the planet is on the verge of extinction when you entrap living creatures and enslave them away from the natural environment for selfish adulation and aggrandisement. Put it back where it was found, please.
Holly and Arnold Steptoe

Dear Mr and Mrs Bramley,
This note is to express our sorrow at the sudden and sadly self-inflicted passing of a much admired teacher and mentor. Charlotte adored her, and Nigel did too. In her memory we are donating a large framed poster to be hung in the school assembly hall, so that all will be inspired by your daughter’s life and death. It reads:
GOD SHED HIS GRACE ON THEE.
Yours sincerely,
Dirk and Bonnie Wotherspoon