Tag Archives: coffee

1188. In hot water

Imelda was adamant. She reckoned that instant coffee tasted ten times better if the kettle was switched off just before boiling. “One degree under boiling, and the coffee tastes best,” she said.

Bradford, the husband of Imelda, disagreed. “Water that’s had the living daylights boiled out of it tastes best,” he said.

Anyway, they got a divorce over irreconcilable differences. The three kids – Guava, Banana, and Ugli Fruit – were farmed out, and Imelda and Bradford got on with their movie careers.

1165. Grinding

Each evening Nerissa would grind the coffee beans and tip them into the coffee machine in preparation for early morning. Nerissa rose at six and the first thing she did was to turn on the coffee machine. Her husband, Charlie, didn’t rise until seven and usually had to reheat his coffee in the microwave.

Charlie had an annoying practice. If he had an important meeting that demanded an earlier rising, he would not set an alarm clock. Instead, before he went to bed, he would tip out all of Nerissa’s ground coffee beans into the trash so that the noise of Nerissa grinding a fresh batch of coffee in the early morning would wake him up.

“What’s wrong with just asking me to wake you?” said Nerissa.

“This way is just as efficient,” said Charlie.

Nerissa had had enough. The next time it happened, she got in the car and drove to the Early Bird Café. The coffee wasn’t as nice, but it was a lot more satisfying.

1128. Morning rumination

Andy didn’t feel the day had started until he’d had his first cup of coffee. He always rose at roughly the same time, even on the weekends. Sometimes he’d rise just a teeny-weeny bit later because he’d lie in his warm bed for those extra few minutes after the alarm had gone off.

His coffee machine would automatically start brewing just a few minutes before the alarm went off, so by the time Andy had dressed the coffee was ready. All he need do was add a spoon of sugar to the mug, pour the coffee (he had it black), then sit at his computer and ruminate in the early hours of the morning. He would still be half asleep, but this half hour of sitting each morning without a thought, and only coffee for company, was a daily necessity. If he didn’t have that half hour, then for rest of the day he’d be moody and miserable.

Andy poured a second cup, and then a third. He usually did that. He was ready to start his day! A quick rinse of the coffee jug and into the shower!

But on this particular day, when he rinsed the coffee jug, a dead mouse fell out.

1074. Low calorie sweetener

Nelson Crozier (known to his friends simply as Kevin) was furious. Every morning he’d have a cup of coffee, black. And every morning he’d drop into it one tiny tablet of low calorie artificial sweetener. The packaging of the sweetener asked “Why not enjoy life and cut down on sugar at the same time?” Kevin had enjoyed life without sugar in his coffee for well over a year.

The packaging also clearly stated (very clearly indeed) that the container held 500 tiny tablets.

Well!!! Kevin had used that container of low calorie artificial sweeteners for 498 mornings, and now it was out. OUT!!! No more tablets.

Kevin is not one to be toyed with. That’s the last time he’ll be buying that brand.

967. Coffee grinder

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If there was one thing Gaylene disliked doing every day, it was grinding the coffee beans. She had an electric grinder. It made a huge noise. Of course she could have purchased pre-ground coffee, but it was never as fresh. So out came the electric coffee grinder.

Her husband was the coffee drinker. Gaylene herself drank tea. He insisted on the home-ground beans. For her part, Gaylene, when she tried it, couldn’t taste the difference between home-ground and bought-ground.

Gaylene always ground the coffee beans the night before, in preparation for the next morning. She was in the adjoining kitchen while her husband sat and watched the News on television. Of course she could only grind during the advertisements. Even then, Gaylene had to first announce “NOISE!” and then would begin grinding.

Anyway, the other evening her husband was trying to watch the television and the grinder just kept going. So after the sports results had finished and he’d told her to “turn that thing off” several times, he got up and looked.

And she’d been electrocuted.

Listen to the story being read HERE!

630. Stella’s favourite mug

© Bruce Goodman 2 July 2015

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Stella had a favourite coffee mug. In fact, she had found the coffee mug in a white elephant stall fifteen years earlier. She had paid 10 cents for it.

The mug wasn’t much to look at. It was blue with white trimmings. It had the message on the side: KEEP CALM YOU GRUMPY OLD GIT!

Stella had grown mildly tired of the message, but four or five cups of coffee a day for well on fifteen years was an indication of 10 cents well spent. Once at work, a few years back, a fellow worker had inadvertently used her mug. Stella pretended not to mind, but, really, she was quite affronted and thoroughly washed the mug when next she used it. She took her mug back home where it stayed in the kitchen throughout her remaining working years and current retirement.

It wasn’t the colour or the message that attracted Stella to the mug. It was the shape, the feel of it. The thickness of the rim was just right for her lips. The amount of coffee it could hold was perfect. She could get exactly four cups from her coffee machine in the kitchen without having to brew another brew.

She liked her coffee black with just a touch of sweetener. She used to have a spoon of sugar, but now had changed to artificial sweetener as a way of keeping the weight down. Her bottom was beginning to sag over the edges of the kitchen stool.

Of course, all this is just an introduction to what I really wanted to say.

Yesterday Stella dropped the mug on the kitchen floor and it broke; smashed into a hundred pieces; shattered.

You’d think, after fifteen years of living with that mug, that Stella would have been upset. She wasn’t. There wasn’t a quiver of regret. Not an ounce of shock. Not a loud ejaculation. Not even the most genteel of curses.

You see, the mug smashed when she dropped dead on the kitchen floor.

545. Now for coffee

545coffee

Pauline was still sleepy after a solid night’s rest. Now for coffee.

She went to the kitchen and opened the cupboard. She stood and gazed. What was she looking for? She closed the cupboard door.

She opened the fridge. She stood and looked. No, it wasn’t there, whatever it was.

That’s right! She was looking for her mug! It was on the bench.

Not to worry: all will be well once coffee is made.

269. Rupert’s coffee beans

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Bonita was famous. She was a film star. She was rich. She was divorced. She had a manservant called Rupert.

There were two things that Bonita detested; one was flies in the house, and the other was weak coffee. The coffee had to be ground from the beans. It had to be percolated. It had to be strong.

Quite frankly, Rupert was sick of it. He penned his resignation. He would hand it to Bonita tomorrow morning.

“Rupert! There are six dead blowflies on the window sill in the kitchen. And the coffee this morning was as weak as weasel piss.” She spoke the word “piss” like it was disgusting; like she was holding someone else’s used tissue that had snot in it. “Do better tomorrow.”

The morning came. Rupert cleaned the window sill. He ground the beans. He made the coffee. Later, he handed in his resignation.

“That’s a shame,” said Bonita. “This morning’s coffee was the tastiest you’ve ever made. It had a bit of body to it.”