Tag Archives: coffee

1623. The grocery list

When Theta got up that morning she discovered she was out of coffee. Not to worry! She would have a cup of tea and once daylight broke she would walk to the corner shop and buy some coffee. In the meantime she made a list of other things she would get.

The list grew longer; in fact, too long for the corner shop. She would have to get in the car and go to the supermarket. It didn’t open until seven each morning, but she might as well wait and it would save a trip in the next day or two to the supermarket.

Of course, once she started looking there was more and more to get. Butter would run out, as would cheese. And milk. And cream. In fact, the dairy compartment in her fridge needed an overhaul! Then there was flour and yeast. Both were getting low and Theta liked to bake her own bread. In a bread-maker mind you, but it was still nicer than most sliced loaves available. In fact, over the years, Theta had so refined the bread recipes for the machine, that there was rarely a failure. Now and again she might buy a baguette or bagels for a change.

Fresh fruit! It was always nice – and healthy – to have fresh fruit. Bananas were great because they were so convenient. But apples and oranges were always a must. Occasionally Theta would “break out” and buy a couple of pears, or even a bag of kiwifruit. Once she went way over the top and purchased a pomegranate!

There were general household items too that were getting low; cleaners and so on. In fact, the kitchen detergent had run out and that was a priority – although it was a very handy excuse “not to do the dishes”! But “not doing the dishes” couldn’t last forever!

The supermarket was about ten minutes away by car, so Theta left home about ten minutes before the shop would open. She loaded the trolley with groceries from the list, passed through the checkout, and headed home.

Unloading the car and putting things away was always a hassle and it was best to get it over with immediately upon arrival back home. Theta unpacked quickly. She put the kettle on for her morning coffee. When all was done, she…

…she…

…she had forgotten to buy coffee. It was not on the list.

1593. A bit of a romp

Jock was all of nineteen and more than halfway through his apprenticeship with a building firm. He loved to party on the weekends, and if he didn’t have to work he would have loved to party every night of the week.

One Saturday night he was invited by this guy and his girlfriend to go back to their house for “a bit of a romp”. Jock thought it a good idea, and followed the couple’s old van to their house in his car.

Would he like a beer? A coffee? Anything? Jock thought he’d like a coffee. Why not? He had a night of “romping” ahead of him and plenty of time later for a beer or two.

Twenty minutes after finishing his coffee he knew it had been laced with something. One of his hands started to shake, and he felt scared. There was no reason to feel scared but he did. He was terrified, in fact, of something unseen. He stumbled outside and got in his car. He drove off.

He didn’t have a clue where he was going. He just drove, quite slowly because things were a bit fuzzy, but he had to get away. There was someone standing under a street light. It was a hitchhiker. Jock stopped.

“Can you drive?” asked Jock. The hitchhiker could. “Can you drive me home? Someone laced my coffee and I’m not thinking straight.”

The hitchhiker drove. When he got safely home Jock gave the hitchhiker money to get a taxi to where he was going. All night Jock sat up in his bed staring at the door. He was scared stupid. He thought someone would come through the door to get him.

This was a turning point for Jock. He settled down (ever so slightly), met someone, fell in love, and they now have five kids. Most weekends Jock takes the kids camping or fishing. Or they just mess about. A good story, eh?

1340. Such is the expanse

It’s fascinating to think, said Theodore to his theologically-minded friend, Nelson, that when I’m grinding these coffee beans for breakfast there’s probably twenty million other intelligent beings on other inhabited planets doing the identical thing. Such is the expanse of the universe! Such is its enormity!

Don’t be silly, said Nelson. You’re so closed-minded. Why do you always limit the infinite? In all the trillions of inhabited planets in this universe alone, there’s not a single planet that’s the same. And there’s not a single intelligent being doing the same thing as you. God is not that boring.

1188. In hot water

Imelda was adamant. She reckoned that instant coffee tasted ten times better if the kettle was switched off just before boiling. “One degree under boiling, and the coffee tastes best,” she said.

Bradford, the husband of Imelda, disagreed. “Water that’s had the living daylights boiled out of it tastes best,” he said.

Anyway, they got a divorce over irreconcilable differences. The three kids – Guava, Banana, and Ugli Fruit – were farmed out, and Imelda and Bradford got on with their movie careers.

1165. Grinding

Each evening Nerissa would grind the coffee beans and tip them into the coffee machine in preparation for early morning. Nerissa rose at six and the first thing she did was to turn on the coffee machine. Her husband, Charlie, didn’t rise until seven and usually had to reheat his coffee in the microwave.

Charlie had an annoying practice. If he had an important meeting that demanded an earlier rising, he would not set an alarm clock. Instead, before he went to bed, he would tip out all of Nerissa’s ground coffee beans into the trash so that the noise of Nerissa grinding a fresh batch of coffee in the early morning would wake him up.

“What’s wrong with just asking me to wake you?” said Nerissa.

“This way is just as efficient,” said Charlie.

Nerissa had had enough. The next time it happened, she got in the car and drove to the Early Bird Café. The coffee wasn’t as nice, but it was a lot more satisfying.

1128. Morning rumination

Andy didn’t feel the day had started until he’d had his first cup of coffee. He always rose at roughly the same time, even on the weekends. Sometimes he’d rise just a teeny-weeny bit later because he’d lie in his warm bed for those extra few minutes after the alarm had gone off.

His coffee machine would automatically start brewing just a few minutes before the alarm went off, so by the time Andy had dressed the coffee was ready. All he need do was add a spoon of sugar to the mug, pour the coffee (he had it black), then sit at his computer and ruminate in the early hours of the morning. He would still be half asleep, but this half hour of sitting each morning without a thought, and only coffee for company, was a daily necessity. If he didn’t have that half hour, then for rest of the day he’d be moody and miserable.

Andy poured a second cup, and then a third. He usually did that. He was ready to start his day! A quick rinse of the coffee jug and into the shower!

But on this particular day, when he rinsed the coffee jug, a dead mouse fell out.

1074. Low calorie sweetener

Nelson Crozier (known to his friends simply as Kevin) was furious. Every morning he’d have a cup of coffee, black. And every morning he’d drop into it one tiny tablet of low calorie artificial sweetener. The packaging of the sweetener asked “Why not enjoy life and cut down on sugar at the same time?” Kevin had enjoyed life without sugar in his coffee for well over a year.

The packaging also clearly stated (very clearly indeed) that the container held 500 tiny tablets.

Well!!! Kevin had used that container of low calorie artificial sweeteners for 498 mornings, and now it was out. OUT!!! No more tablets.

Kevin is not one to be toyed with. That’s the last time he’ll be buying that brand.

967. Coffee grinder

967grinder

If there was one thing Gaylene disliked doing every day, it was grinding the coffee beans. She had an electric grinder. It made a huge noise. Of course she could have purchased pre-ground coffee, but it was never as fresh. So out came the electric coffee grinder.

Her husband was the coffee drinker. Gaylene herself drank tea. He insisted on the home-ground beans. For her part, Gaylene, when she tried it, couldn’t taste the difference between home-ground and bought-ground.

Gaylene always ground the coffee beans the night before, in preparation for the next morning. She was in the adjoining kitchen while her husband sat and watched the News on television. Of course she could only grind during the advertisements. Even then, Gaylene had to first announce “NOISE!” and then would begin grinding.

Anyway, the other evening her husband was trying to watch the television and the grinder just kept going. So after the sports results had finished and he’d told her to “turn that thing off” several times, he got up and looked.

And she’d been electrocuted.

Listen to the story being read HERE!

630. Stella’s favourite mug

© Bruce Goodman 2 July 2015

630mug

Stella had a favourite coffee mug. In fact, she had found the coffee mug in a white elephant stall fifteen years earlier. She had paid 10 cents for it.

The mug wasn’t much to look at. It was blue with white trimmings. It had the message on the side: KEEP CALM YOU GRUMPY OLD GIT!

Stella had grown mildly tired of the message, but four or five cups of coffee a day for well on fifteen years was an indication of 10 cents well spent. Once at work, a few years back, a fellow worker had inadvertently used her mug. Stella pretended not to mind, but, really, she was quite affronted and thoroughly washed the mug when next she used it. She took her mug back home where it stayed in the kitchen throughout her remaining working years and current retirement.

It wasn’t the colour or the message that attracted Stella to the mug. It was the shape, the feel of it. The thickness of the rim was just right for her lips. The amount of coffee it could hold was perfect. She could get exactly four cups from her coffee machine in the kitchen without having to brew another brew.

She liked her coffee black with just a touch of sweetener. She used to have a spoon of sugar, but now had changed to artificial sweetener as a way of keeping the weight down. Her bottom was beginning to sag over the edges of the kitchen stool.

Of course, all this is just an introduction to what I really wanted to say.

Yesterday Stella dropped the mug on the kitchen floor and it broke; smashed into a hundred pieces; shattered.

You’d think, after fifteen years of living with that mug, that Stella would have been upset. She wasn’t. There wasn’t a quiver of regret. Not an ounce of shock. Not a loud ejaculation. Not even the most genteel of curses.

You see, the mug smashed when she dropped dead on the kitchen floor.

545. Now for coffee

545coffee

Pauline was still sleepy after a solid night’s rest. Now for coffee.

She went to the kitchen and opened the cupboard. She stood and gazed. What was she looking for? She closed the cupboard door.

She opened the fridge. She stood and looked. No, it wasn’t there, whatever it was.

That’s right! She was looking for her mug! It was on the bench.

Not to worry: all will be well once coffee is made.