2718. I can’t believe it’s the 8th of May

“Goodness!” exclaimed Elaine. “I can’t believe it’s the 8^th of May already. It seems just like yesterday that we celebrated Christmas. Being 97 years old I thought in every likelihood it would be my last Christmas. Perhaps it’s not to be the last! As I say, it’s the 8^th of May already.”

“In another two weeks I’ll be 98. The joke is always the same: I’ve celebrated so many birthdays that there’s nothing left to give me for a present. Last year I got three pairs of slippers from various grand and great-grandchildren. I’ve only two feet you know.”

“My daughter Velma jokes that she can’t wait for me to pass on so she can collect the inheritance. She jests that she wants to go on a world trip with that fancy boy of hers. She’s a trick! Here she comes now clutching that heavy cast iron frying pan. What she wants with a frying pan in this room I have no …”

Greetings!

2596. Christmas marzipan

Willow was on to her fourth husband. Each of the first three had died around Christmas time. That was because marzipan icing on a Christmas cake has a strong enough taste to disguise any other ingredient that might lurk within.

Each husband had asked the same thing: “How come you’re not eating any Christmas cake?” Willow always replied that she didn’t like the taste of marzipan. It was too strong and sweet.

The fourth and current husband, Leo, had survived a good seven months of marriage. Unlike his predecessors he didn’t like marzipan. Leo had not told Willow of his distaste and so Willow had made a big Christmas cake with thick poisoned marzipan.

Leo didn’t want to offend Willow by not eating it after she had gone to so much trouble to make the cake look pretty, so he would discreetly pretend to eat while wrapping it carefully in a paper napkin for disposal.

All three of Willow’s prize pet chickens died, followed by the sudden death of Ms Sadie Walker, a neighbour on one side, who absolutely refused to accept any payment for services except perhaps a slice of delicious Christmas cake. Her death came as a shock to all: “I was just talking to her yesterday,” said Leo.

Then Ms Adeline Ackroyd, two doors up, passed into eternal bliss, followed by Ms Riley Crum from over the road and Ms Faith Swanson of North Dakota who was visiting for the last month or two the man who owned the corner shop.

It was then that Leo realized that the culprit was perhaps the Christmas cake. He didn’t say a word. It just so happened that Willow was partial to whipped cream-filled meringues. May she rest in peace.

Music 547: The Holly and the Ivy

Today is the birthday of a person of little significance. To celebrate here’s a traditional Christmas carol I arranged for oboe, Bb clarinet, and piano.

Feel free to get out your oboe and play along!

The Holly and the Ivy – audio HERE; sheet music HERE

2595. Glad tidings

Ella wasn’t keen to tell her parents she was expecting a baby. She was twenty-one and didn’t live at home, but her parents were very traditional and would be upset at her promiscuity.

Things were starting to show and Christmas was coming. She always spent Christmas with her parents. She began by telling her parents (on the phone) that Janus her boyfriend was coming for Christmas too. Of course, Ella’s mother was delighted! “I do hope he’s a nice boy, Ella.”

Tell her parents she must. Twice she dialled the phone and cut off things before anyone could answer. The next thing her mother phoned. “You’ve tried phoning twice and both times you’re not there. I hope you are alright.”

Ella broke down. “I’m pregnant. I’m expecting a baby.”

There was silence. Then the unexpected happened. “That’s wonderful, dear.” Mother and daughter chatted for a good half hour.

Christmas came. Ella’s father proposed a toast. “At first I was a bit grumpy, but now with Ella expecting this is probably as most like Christmas we’ll ever get! Happy Christmas one and all!”

2593. A shocking tale

There was a knock on the door. It was the KGB; or the FBI; or the MI5; or the CCCPC; or the whatever. It didn’t really matter who, they were all the same, and doing the rounds.

Winnie had foolishly turned on her Christmas tree lights. Didn’t she know there was a power shortage? People were trying to charge their electric cars. The local steel mill was trying to run on a windmill. It was almost as bad as Mrs. Higginbotham of 95 Snodgrass Avenue who had selfishly plugged in her electric heater. Fortunately she had died of the cold.

Winnie explained that her small string of Christmas lights were solar. It was dismissed as a lie. Who could light up solar Christmas tree lights in this weather? Winnie was handcuffed and taken away. When solitary confinement didn’t budge her into submission she was taken out and electrocuted.

2589. The winning turkey

What a stressful day it had been for Matthew. He had won the Christmas turkey in a raffle and put his winning ticket in a safe place. The trouble was he had forgotten where that safe place was and had searched everywhere with no luck.

It wasn’t in his wallet; it wasn’t in the top dressing-table drawer where he kept valuable things; it wasn’t… well… anywhere to be found.

He’d never told his wife about the winning turkey because he wanted it to be a surprise when he collected the bird, but now he confessed to her that he’d won and couldn’t find the ticket. She said she wouldn’t have a clue and searched in all the obvious places such as Matthew’s wallet and the top drawer of the dressing-table.

Matthew even phoned the organizers and explained what had happened. They replied that there was always someone who pretended to have the winning ticket. Sorry, no ticket, no turkey.

Christmas came and went. Oh well.

2586. Putting up the Christmas tree

Darling, do you want the Christmas tree over in front of the window?

We had it in front of the window last year. What about over there in that corner?

We’d have to move the sofa.

We can always move the sofa back. Just give it a push. No, it doesn’t look right. Move the sofa back. What about that corner over there?

There’s no electric plug for the Christmas tree lights. I suppose we could do without lights this year. A change is as good as a holiday.

No Christmas tree lights! Goodness me. You’re so negative. Why are you so negative about things? I make a suggestion and you run me down. I only suggested we put the tree over there and you attack me.

I didn’t attack you. I just said there was no way to run a cable for the lights.

You said you didn’t want lights on the tree. We can’t have a tree without lights.

I never said that. I said there was no electricity outlet.

I’ve a better idea.  Why don’t we change the whole room around just for Christmas? Put the dining table and chairs over there. Move the sofa and armchairs here, with the television against that wall, and then the Christmas tree can go where the dining table was. Just move them, dear, and we’ll see.

Phew! That was a lot of hefty stuff!

No. It doesn’t feel right. Put the things back, dear. What say we put the tree in front of the window like last year? It looked good. I don’t know why you wanted to change it.

2313. Christmas Eve

Danielle lived in a block of apartments on her own. There were about forty apartments all together. It was Christmas Eve and Danielle had planned to catch a plane and fly to her parent’s home for Christmas. Bad weather cancelled all flights.

She was wondering what to do and thought she had better get to the supermarket to buy something to celebrate with – a bottle of wine and a few slices of something nice. She had just set out in the corridor when she bumped into Bernard.

“I thought you were going home for Christmas,” he said.

“Flight cancelled.”

“Same here,” said Bernard. “Look, why don’t we share the Christmas meal? In fact, why don’t we leave a note at every apartment door saying if you’re alone this Christmas bring you food to my apartment and we’ll all celebrate together.”

It was an excellent idea. Danielle printed off a pile of invitations and she and Bernard went around the apartment building. They planned what to do if a number turned up on Christmas day. So far they have had a response from eleven people. If it’s anymore they’ll be spilling the party out into the corridor.

2312. Children’s parcels

There were only a few days left until Christmas and the toys Natalie had ordered online still hadn’t arrived. She had ordered them for her two boys back in September. This called for emergency thinking.

Horace, her husband, was dispatched to the store to buy tools and timber, nails and paint, and other handy things. Natalie downloaded simple carpentry plans for how to make toys that work. They wrapped things in separate parcels to make lots of presents.

Horace cleared some space in his Man Cave and put the boys’ names on it. All was ready for Christmas Day.

The pre-ordered parcels arrived! But the parents were excited about the handyman things. They thought they’d keep the pre-ordered gifts for the boys’ birthdays.