2461. A most unfortunate episode, with a hidden moral

Before she got married, Tracey would occasionally buy and eat sauerkraut. It would come in a jar at the supermarket. All she need do was throw a few peppercorns into a pot, empty the jar into the pot, perhaps add a bit of water, and heat it up.  It was a delicious accompaniment to sausage or corned beef or something like that.

When she got married she never used it again. Tommy described sauerkraut as smelly, rotten, German cabbage. Over the forty-two years of marriage, Tracey sometimes thought of sauerkraut, usually when she passed the sauerkraut in the supermarket aisle. But no! Not a single shred of putrid brassica passed her lips during all those years.

It was sad when Tommy died, but Tracey knew that she would eventually have to get on with life. She had to remind herself that it was her life alone now; she didn’t have to compromise. She went to the supermarket and bought a jar of sauerkraut and some sausage; to consolidate her conviction of independence. She would have it for dinner.

Were the Fates laughing? Was it one of those ironies that rear its ugly head when one least expects? On the first bite of sauerkraut it went down the wrong way, and Tracey choked to death.

As the coroner joked to his colleagues, “It was a waste of a jolly good sausage”.

1744. Toast for breakfast

Archie’s morning was always the same. It’s not that his life was regimented; it’s just that anything prior to nine in the morning, roughly the time when he awoke from his post-rising stupor, was done by rote. He would get out of bed; get partially dressed; turn on the coffee machine; feed the cat; check the news on his laptop; pour the coffee; put on some toast; and begin to have breakfast.

While he was eating his toast, always with raspberry jam, he would read the blogs he followed. There was one blogger who annoyed the hell out of him. The blogger was always killing people off. Every day it would be another story and another dead person. Sometimes death by poisoning, sometimes strangulation. Why couldn’t he write a happy story for a change? Nonetheless, Archie couldn’t help but sneak a peek every morning as he ate his toast. Possibly Archie, every morning, was hoping for something happy to happen in one of the stories. And would you believe…?

This day was sheer happiness! Freddy had fallen in love with Leonie at the school picnic. They were teachers at the school, not pupils. They had dated for several months and then Freddy proposed to Leonie. It was quite out of the blue.

“Yes! Yes!” said Leonie, beside herself with gladness. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” They kissed! They planned their wedding day! Oh happy day! Oh happy, happy day!

Archie, having breakfast, was beside himself with excitement. A cheerful story! For once something jubilant happens in this blog he followed daily! Oh happy day! Oh happy day indeed! To celebrate, Archie took a great big bite of the slice of toast he was eating.

He choked on it, and now he’s dead.

1178. Healthy die-t

Renaldo’s mother was obsessed with tips about health that she gleaned from the internet. The things that poor Renaldo had to eat and do! The simplest piece of dietary advice was the old adage, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Anyway, Renaldo choked on a bit of apple and there wasn’t time to call the doctor.