Tag Archives: Chinese

1859. A page in history

(The following is a translation of Page 276 from a history book, published in the year of what we would have at some stage numbered 2084AD. Incidentally, the translation was made and pre-posted on Word Press over two months ago!)

When President Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng discovered North America (now called New China) the voyage was based on calculations presuming the world was round. The sphericalness of the planet was initially devised by the calculations of that early Chinese mathematician, Yáng Fāng Lì, over five thousand years ago.

All hail to Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng
Who expanded the borders of the world
And brought enlightenment to the people of New China.

The statue of President Khổng Xiùlán Qiáng, which graces what was once known as the Lincoln Memorial, is a replica of his image on Mt Rushmore – once the old images on Mt Rushmore had been dynamited off. The statue in the capital, New Beijing, was erected to commemorate our great leader’s initiative in curing cancer and also being the first person to walk on Mars.

Together we will work for the common good, striving to put into practice the dictates of the United Nations: All are created equal once the world has been purged of tyranny and once those who espoused non-compliant views have been silenced.

All hail to Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng
Who expanded the borders of the world
And brought enlightenment to the people of New China.

Footnote: President Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng recently approved the erection of a giant statue of herself to replace the Washington Monument. It is to celebrate her change of name to Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng from

(continued on next page – page 277)

1643. Foreign neighbours

My name is Margot. I don’t think much of the new neighbours. For starters, they are foreigners and don’t fit well into the area. In fact they lower the tone of the suburb considerably. Not that I’ve anything against foreigners, but when people come to a country that is not theirs they should make some effort to fit in; meld into the surroundings. You’d think they would; that’s what rats do. Peacocks strut around, and when a peacock shows off and spreads its tail you can see its arsehole. These people strut around like they own the place.

The new neighbours, so I heard, are Antoinette and Leon from Beijing or somewhere. China anyway. You can tell these things even though they’ve taken Western names. I thought communists were meant to be not so well off, but you should see their three cars! And the house they live in (I presume they rent and don’t own, though why the landlord thinks it’s okay to rent to communists I have no idea) is one of the most lavish houses in our neighbourhood. And that’s saying something. They’ve got three young children. No wonder the world is overrun.

Here comes the one called Antoinette up my path now. Presumably she’s going to ask for a cup of noodles or something! Chop! Chop!

Ching Chong Chinaman
Coming up my path
I shall pretend to be foreign
Just for a laugh.

“Hello. My name’s Antoinette. I’m the new neighbour. I thought I’d come over and introduce myself.”

“When you come from China?”

“Pardon?”

“When you come from China to dis place?”

“From China? I didn’t. My family have been here since 1824.”

1409. Going! Going! Wait!

You wouldn’t believe the excitement! It had not been long since Abram had finished his first novel. It was called “Going! Going! Wait!” He had boasted about it online and then… WHAM! … a message came from a publisher:

WE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN HAVING A LOOK AT IT.

“I guess I just struck it lucky,” said Abram.

He sent a copy off to the publisher immediately, and waited…

…and waited …and waited. They never replied. He never heard back.

“I guess it’s not going to get published,” said Abram.

But what Abram didn’t know was that it had been published. It had been translated into Chinese under a different author and name – along with thousands of other Western novels. The “publisher” made a pretty penny, and still does to this day.

847. Family from China

847chinese

When the church parish sponsored a new immigrant family about once a year, Nancy Delaney often came to the rescue. She would have the family stay a few weeks while they adjusted to their new country and culture.

This year, it was a family from China. Actually, it was a mother and son from China. The son was twelve years old. The mother was a qualified doctor.

Nancy welcomed them into her home. They spoke halting English. And what could be more welcoming, more culturally sensitive, than to get “Chinese” for the first evening meal? Nancy purchased several different dishes, with lots of rice.

The visiting mother and son did their best to eat it. They could merely nibble and try not to look disgusted.

Over the next few weeks, the doctor taught Nancy how to cook proper Chinese, and Nancy taught her how to cook European. What a revelation for both! What a great friendship forged! The learning process is never one way.