2663. Final exam

It had been a long four years for Eldridge. He wasn’t the brightest star in the sky but he worked hard at his studies. He wasn’t thick either. He was of average intelligence pursuing a fairly challenging cytological degree specializing in chromatids of metaphase chromosomes.

His final exam was coming up. Eldridge studied like there was no tomorrow. A science laboratory in his very city was after a young, enthusiastic technician specializing in chromatids of metaphase chromosomes. Eldridge applied and got the job provided he passed his final exam. Such a promise made Eldridge study even harder.

Well as luck would have it Eldridge passed his final exam with flying colours! Unfortunately the laboratory had moved to China. Three years later Eldridge was still stacking shelves in a supermarket.

2618. A fairy story

When Cinderella’s Wicked Stepmother at the ball managed to stuff several classified documents from the palace into Cinderella’s right-footed glass slipper she was confident the documents would arrive safely at her own home. It was customary for her family to use the garage door at night, and having lived in Polynesia for a time they had developed the habit of leaving their footwear at the door. The garage would be quite safe. It was locked at night along with her Volkswagen.

The Wicked Stepmother’s plan had worked. She had pilfered the documents at the palace, and when Cinderella complained that her shoes were a little big, the kind Stepmother stuffed the papers in as padding.

And in the morning, there was the right-footed footwear! The Wicked Stepmother gathered the glass slipper’s contents, made copies, and sent the copies off to the Emperor of China. The threat that had hung over the Wicked Stepmother was mollified – at least for a while. The Emperor knew the secret and had threatened to expose it. He alone knew that the Wicked Stepmother and the Fairy Godmother were one and the same.

2592. Always do one thing at a time

Noah poured himself a wine to celebrate. What he had done was so simple and yet people had said it was not possible. Noah had hacked his way into the digital framework of every nuclear country and disabled their nuclear buttons. He did it in a flash – all at once – with one push of what he called “My Peace Button”.

Noah was a crank; a total crank. He was a creative genius of unrivalled ability. An example would be his burglar proof abode. If a stranger entered his house uninvited all windows and door were silently barred. The burglar would slowly starve to death. The system could be activated from anywhere in the world.

Noah was not one in a million; he was one in eight billion. The systems he devised weren’t the usual run-of-the-mill stuff.

Only one nuclear warhead was not disabled. Noah had altered its pre-set trajectory. It could not be changed. It would head to downtown Beijing. The Chinese could blow up themselves or Noah could activate it with the push of a button.

Noah poured himself another wine and sat down in his armchair.

“Goodbye Beijing,” he said. He pressed the button. It was now a question of waiting. It was then he realized something: he’d muddled the GPS. The nuclear warhead was heading straight for his burglar-proof house.

2274. Peace at last!

Well! At last! At last! The problem is solved! An alien spacecraft has landed on earth and the superior-technologied aliens are friendly! It’s proof at last that we are not alone in the universe.

Prior to the spacecraft landing the earth was in upheaval. It seemed that every country was at each other’s throats. The aliens were super-friendly but they still had weaponry that could wipe earth out in a split second. The aliens’ superior power would force the divided world to be united.

China quickly formed an exclusive alliance with them.

2160. Dentures

It was strange. The dentist’s business had been broken into eighteen times and yet nothing had been taken. Nothing, it appeared, had been touched.

The video showed each time a person wearing a loose black kaftan-styled garment with an unattached black cloth covering the head. The figure would head to where the dentist kept any dentures that needed adjusting or fixing. It was impossible to see what was going on but it appeared that no dentures had gone missing in any of the break-ins. There were no signs of anything having been tampered with.

It was only after this had happened ten or eleven times that a highly specialized forensic scientist was called in. Such scientists charge the earth, and there wasn’t a murder or any serious consequences that called for someone so expensive to investigate. However it had happened far too often and the mystery had to be somehow solved.

It took the scientist quite a time to discover anything and by then there had been further break-ins, and not just at this dentist’s facilities. Other dentists had reported similar goings-on. In one of the dentures, only one, the scientist found the tiniest implanted microphone.

By now the owner of the dentures with the implant was crying out: Where are my teeth? I am sick of eating soup.

“You’re a typical silly old lady,” said the scientist. “I sent everyone a message. Check your email or your phone.”

“I’m not on email,” said the silly old lady, “and I don’t have a phone.”

Ah! Mystery solved! Further investigation revealed that only those without email or mobile phones had their dentures implanted with a microphone. China had demanded that everyone be follow-able. Google was desperate not to lose the contract.

1859. A page in history

(The following is a translation of Page 276 from a history book, published in the year of what we would have at some stage numbered 2084AD. Incidentally, the translation was made and pre-posted on Word Press over two months ago!)

When President Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng discovered North America (now called New China) the voyage was based on calculations presuming the world was round. The sphericalness of the planet was initially devised by the calculations of that early Chinese mathematician, Yáng Fāng Lì, over five thousand years ago.

All hail to Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng
Who expanded the borders of the world
And brought enlightenment to the people of New China.

The statue of President Khổng Xiùlán Qiáng, which graces what was once known as the Lincoln Memorial, is a replica of his image on Mt Rushmore – once the old images on Mt Rushmore had been dynamited off. The statue in the capital, New Beijing, was erected to commemorate our great leader’s initiative in curing cancer and also being the first person to walk on Mars.

Together we will work for the common good, striving to put into practice the dictates of the United Nations: All are created equal once the world has been purged of tyranny and once those who espoused non-compliant views have been silenced.

All hail to Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng
Who expanded the borders of the world
And brought enlightenment to the people of New China.

Footnote: President Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng recently approved the erection of a giant statue of herself to replace the Washington Monument. It is to celebrate her change of name to Yáng Xiùlán Qiáng from

(continued on next page – page 277)

1643. Foreign neighbours

My name is Margot. I don’t think much of the new neighbours. For starters, they are foreigners and don’t fit well into the area. In fact they lower the tone of the suburb considerably. Not that I’ve anything against foreigners, but when people come to a country that is not theirs they should make some effort to fit in; meld into the surroundings. You’d think they would; that’s what rats do. Peacocks strut around, and when a peacock shows off and spreads its tail you can see its arsehole. These people strut around like they own the place.

The new neighbours, so I heard, are Antoinette and Leon from Beijing or somewhere. China anyway. You can tell these things even though they’ve taken Western names. I thought communists were meant to be not so well off, but you should see their three cars! And the house they live in (I presume they rent and don’t own, though why the landlord thinks it’s okay to rent to communists I have no idea) is one of the most lavish houses in our neighbourhood. And that’s saying something. They’ve got three young children. No wonder the world is overrun.

Here comes the one called Antoinette up my path now. Presumably she’s going to ask for a cup of noodles or something! Chop! Chop!

Ching Chong Chinaman
Coming up my path
I shall pretend to be foreign
Just for a laugh.

“Hello. My name’s Antoinette. I’m the new neighbour. I thought I’d come over and introduce myself.”

“When you come from China?”

“Pardon?”

“When you come from China to dis place?”

“From China? I didn’t. My family have been here since 1824.”

1456. The blue rose

You’ve probably heard of the black tulip, and likewise the blue rose. These days, with genetic engineering, nearly everything is possible. That’s why Belinda wasn’t at all surprised when she came across an advertisement for “100 seeds of a blue rose”. She thought it a little strange that she should grow roses from seed. Grafting seems to be more the norm.

Using her credit card, she bought 100 seeds for $10.73. The postage was included, which was great considering the seeds would be sent all the way from China.

The first things she noticed was that lots of money had gone from her bank account. It seemed that the 100 seeds were $10.73 each.

After several weeks she received a letter from Customs. Did she know there was a fine of $50,000 for trying to import illegally foreign seeds and vegetable matter into the country?

Belinda was desperate. She couldn’t afford that. She wrote to Customs and suggested they stuff the blue rose seeds where the sun doesn’t shine and she hoped they sprouted thorns.

Her expensive, and useless, lawyer intimated she might get out on parole in a couple of months.

1230. A lifetime ambition

Adrienne had always wanted to go to Tibet. Ever since childhood, when she had read books about the Dali Lama and the monasteries and temples, and the mountains, she had a powerful yearning to visit. And the opportunity arose! Her husband surprised her on her fiftieth birthday with a return ticket to Tibet with a tourist party.

They arrived at Lhasa and the plane circled the airport for an hour because the military were holding some sort of exercise. But when they eventually stepped off the plane, goodness! No air! No oxygen! How do people breathe up here? Adrienne was immediately struck down with altitude sickness.

For the first three days she mainly lay on her bed gasping for air. She phoned her husband back home. On the fourth and final day Adrienne decided she had to see something. She walked down the street. It was very third world. The military were everywhere. Adrienne took a photo with her phone. Two men appeared. The phone was confiscated.

Adrienne was never so relieved to step on a plane. She had fulfilled her lifetime ambition. Why the Chinese wanted to keep this hellhole was anyone’s guess.