2645. Landon enters Paradise

Landon was ninety-four years old. “I’ve had a good innings,” he said. “My life has been satisfying. I believe in the afterlife and am looking forward to it.”

He had a little time to go on the final leg of the race. “I’m eager to meet up again with everyone I knew in life; family, friends, and acquaintances. What a reunion it will be! It’ll be great to catch up with my wife Eliza and I’m especially keen to see my daughter and the two grandchildren and the great grandson who have all predeceased me.”

It took about a year, but eventually he did pass away. His excitement was palpable. “At last! At last I’m almost there!” were his final words.

When he got there, everyone was preoccupied with their cell phones.

2580. Scram Scammers! Scram!

Colton might have been 82 years old but he wasn’t stupid. He’d been a creative inventor all his life.

When a scammer phoned, Colton could press a simple combination of buttons on his phone and the scammer’s phone would explode. So far he’d exploded 22 phones. 19 of the scammers had their heads blown off and the other 3 were permanent vegetables.

The funniest one was when a scammer got a heck of a fright in the office, thought it was another scammer in the room destroying his computer, saw red, and shot the other 26 scammers dead.

Hurrah!

2533. The treble voice

Samuel was eleven years old and sang with the most crystal clear treble voice. In fact he was in the cathedral choir. Last Christmas they sang Benjamin Britten’s A Ceremony of Carols and Samuel was a soloist.

His was a single parent family. His mother was industrious – she cleaned motels – but life was still hard and they always had just enough to make ends meet. For example, all the kids at school had mobile phones and Samuel didn’t. When you can’t afford something the desire increases.

Locally, Naomi and Levi were getting married. It was a society wedding. Anyone who was anyone was invited. Last Christmas after they had attended Benjamin Britten’s A Ceremony of Carols Naomi had said to Levi, “We’ve got to have that boy sing at our wedding!”

Samuel wasn’t very keen to do it, and at first said “No”. Naomi saw Samuel’s mother and asked if there would be anything that would persuade him to sing at their wedding. His mother said, promise him a cell phone.

Samsung.

2391. The marvels of technology

It was indeed a marvel of modern technology that so many people were able to capture on phone the falling of Avery Brown from 400 feet up in the Ferris wheel. He hit a few steel bars on the way down. It was a pretty bumpy flight. Neville Noonan reckoned, watching his video frame by frame, that the kid must have bounced around eleven times on the way down.

There were thirty-one recordings of the fall handed in to police. “This is an overwhelming help to discover exactly what happened,” said Police Officer Barney Meldrum. “Unfortunately there are five or six videos that are practically worthless, having recorded not the fall but simply the mess on the ground. We all know what that looked like. But generally speaking the public support has been amazing.”

Nana Vilovsky is an investigative journalist. She read about the incident online. She was able to get a snapshot of the fall from one of the witnesses to put on the front-page. Facebook is fortunately a veritable gold mine of what people are saying. It always produces information that is newsworthy, although Nana Vilovsky had to make a bit up because Avery Brown’s mother refused to be interviewed and was apparently distraught. “At least she has a video to remember her son’s last moments,” wrote Nana Vilovsky.

Someone called Kerry Johns or Jones was able to point out that the tragedy of Avery Brown’s flight had little to do with anything serious. “If you want to get serious just think how many people will be tempted to jump off the Ferris wheel once global warming takes effect,” commented Kerry on Twitter.

Ngaire Pinkum said it was a shame. She had the sound turned on to record but the screams of onlookers in the fairground, drowned out the loud splat he made when he landed.  “I can still hear it in my head;” she said, “the splat. If the sound had been clearer a lot more people would’ve downloaded it.”

Noddy Barberon, a sixteen year old visiting from North Dakota, spoke for everyone when he said, “I hope they are not going to shut down the Ferris wheel for an hour or two. I’m only here for a short stay.”

Finally, Elsie Styvenberg was able to point out that because of the hub-bub over the kid on the Ferris wheel, hardly anyone took any notice of the toddler later who got run over by the bumper cars.

1970. Gadget man

Morton was a fiddler in the gadgetry sense. He could fix anything. He could make anything. He could invent anything. Somethings were useful; some were not. The silliest thing he made was probably “A box of birds”. A little white box with a button sat on the coffee table. Next to the button was a little sign that said “Press me”. Guests would press the button and recordings of birds emanating from all over the room suddenly began to play. Loudly. If the guest had been left alone in the room while Morton was out making coffee for the guest, the pressing of the button could prove to be a hilarious humiliation!

Morton more often than not was the one who was out making the coffee because his wife, Catalina, was useless. She never lifted a finger to help. In fact Morton was often left alone to entertain visitors. Enough is enough! Morton decided to construct the perfect murder!

He took an old cell phone, removed its innards, and replaced the inside with a poisonous dart. There was nothing to show that it wasn’t a phone. The next time he was out shopping with Catalina he spied a tourist near the village green and asked if they would be so kind to take a photograph with his phone. Of course, the tourist was most obliging. “Just that woman over there. I don’t want to get caught photographing her, because I’m a spy and she’s some sort of foreign government agent. Just point the phone at her and press the button.”

“A spy! Which button do I press?” asked the tourist.

“That one there,” said Morton, leaning over the phone and pointing.

Morton is a gadget man no more.

1851. Memory lapse

Vernon was the head organist at a notable cathedral in a major city. (It’s no use trying to guess where it was because this is fiction). Vernon couldn’t remember how many sermons he had endured.

During the sermon Vernon used to pop out onto the tower balcony for a quick cigarette. He could easily duck out because he was in the organ loft high above the clergy and congregation. He looked way down on them and his disappearance would not be noticed from below.

He could vaguely hear the preacher from the tower balcony. Sometimes, if the preacher droned on, Vernon could have several cigarettes. Being the only one ever to use the balcony (it was blocked to tourists) Vernon had an old plum jam tin where he chucked his butts. It was a large tin, and in the eleven years of being the head organist he had emptied it three times. As he said to his wife, “It shows you how many sermons I’ve endured.”

On this particular Sunday (it being a notable feast day) the visiting preacher was particularly wordy. Vernon was hearing for the third time that “perdition awaits those who don’t agree” when he realized he had accidentally locked himself out on the cathedral tower balcony.

This was the very weekend that his wife had gone to visit her elderly mother in another city quite distant from the cathedral city. His disappearance would not be noticed.

What a shemozzles! No one could hear him call out and he’d locked the door from the church up into the organ loft, so no one could dash up to find out why he wasn’t intoning the hymns on the organ. Nor was it one of those Sundays when the choir was there.

The visiting clergyman used his initiative, and in the event of not having an organist simply intoned the opening words of each hymn and the congregation took it up without accompaniment.

The service was over. Everyone went home, except for Vernon high in the tower locked out on the little balcony.

The day turned into afternoon; the afternoon to evening; the evening to night. It was starting to get cold; very cold. Vernon had wet his pants. He was out of cigarettes. Have you ever tried to break down a centuries-old iron door on an ancient gothic cathedral? And then it started to rain. He would die of the cold before he starved to death.

That was when Vernon remembered his cell phone.

1457. Poster in a church in France

(This is a translation of an actual poster in France)

After entering this church, you may hear “the call of God”. However, it is unlikely he will call you on his mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones.

If you wish to talk to God, by all means do so. Come in and choose a quiet place.

If you wish to see Him, send a text while driving.

1387. At the ready

It was a silly thing, but Talia always kept her cell phone charging on the ledge above the kitchen sink. This was just in case (and of course it would never happen) an alien space craft suddenly appeared over the horizon.

AND IT DID! IT DID!

Talia grabbed her phone to take a photo and, with slippery hands from doing the dishes, dropped the phone into the boiling hot soapy sink water.

The next thing the space craft landed on her lawn just outside the kitchen window. An alien stepped out. He handed Talia a brand new phone.

“This is to replace the phone you just dropped into the sink,” he said.

As she stood on the steps to wave goodbye to the departing space craft, Talia though, “What a nice alien. I should’ve offered him a saucer of milk or something.”