Dear Heart Throb
I really don’t know who to turn to. I am eighteen and my uncle’s wife claims to have information on me that could prove embarrassing. I don’t know whether to confront her about it or ignore it and hope it goes away. She claims to have photos of me in a compromising situation even though I know I’ve never been in a compromising situation like that. It’s amazing how photographs can be doctored these days to make them look real. Any suggestions?
Dear Disgruntled Nephew
You seem like a nice young man. How awful to be accused of being in a compromising situation and never having been in a compromising situation. You’ve got the worst of both worlds.
May I suggest you make a list of possible compromising situations – experiences that theoretically would embarrass you if knowledge of them got out into the public arena. An example could be getting videoed while stealing something valuable from a shop; or being caught having an affair with a popular film star. Things like that. Then choose one from the list and GO OUT AND DO IT. Make sure it gets noticed and recorded, and then leave it in a place where your uncle’s wife will find it. Doctoring photographs simply doesn’t work. She’ll want the genuine stuff. You’ll find that often the general population will be in awe of you and your compromising situation. You’ll be something of a celebrity.
Desiree was obsessed with celebrities. She spent hours hanging around just to get a glimpse. Once she even got an autograph.
The celebrity she most admired was Rhapsody Songster, an iconic rock star who was reputed to be the richest rock star in the world. Desiree adored Rhapsody’s attitude.
“She’s a rock star with attitude,” said Desiree.
“All them lazy poor people,” said Rhapsody Songster. “They won’t be getting a cent from me. Let them starve. I earned every penny I got. It’s mine. Get stuffed solo-mother-of-four.”
“She’s a rock star with attitude,” repeated Desiree. “I want to be just like her. All them lazy poor people. They won’t be getting a cent from me. Let them starve. I earned every penny I got. It’s mine. Get stuffed solo-mother-of-four.”
Anyway, to cut a fairly short story even shorter, it was an ironic touch of fate that Desiree passed away in a car accident just two days after Rhapsody Songster had done the same thing.
St Peter met Desiree at the Pearly Gates. Desiree was out of her mind with excitement. St Peter had just told her she was going to the same place as Rhapsody Songster.
Let me get one thing straight. You jokers, all you jokers who want to be rich, it’s no fun being rich. It’s no fun being famous. I might be a film star but life’s not all a bed of roses. Let me illustrate.
Yesterday my wife walked out on me, and tonight I’ve got my first date since. I’m pretty excited about it, as she’s a fairly well-known person and has both looks and money. A celebrity. The money bit suits me down to the ground, especially since the now-ex-wife will try to get at least half of what’s mine.
It’s important that I impress, so I thought I’d pick the new woman up in a brand-new Lamborghini. A white one. Well, the stupid car dealer had only one Lamborghini and it was red. You’d think with a cash sale they’d make a bit of an effort. There wasn’t time to search around for a white Lamborghini because I need it tonight, so I bought the red one. And now I have to go and change my entire wardrobe.