2535. Toxic flowers

Austin’s next-door neighbour had twenty-four cats. No kidding. They swarmed all over the place, including on Austin’s property. Austin detested them. He didn’t mind a cat now and again, but twenty-four of them were a horror.

Besides being everywhere, they seemed to favour Austin’s lettuce patch in the garden to do a certain business. There was only one thing for it: he planted lilies all around his garden. They’re poisonous to cats. Problem solved.

Austin’s next-door neighbour had one cat. At least for a while.

2464. Crossing the Styx

Over the course of a lengthy life Carmel had five cats. She had only one at a time, and each lived for a reasonable number of years, except for Tallulah who had died young from cancer.

 Now it was Carmel’s turn to pass away. The specialists had given their prognosis. It gave Carmel a little time to prepare. “I do hope,” said Carmel, “that they allow cats in Heaven and I shall have the joy of once again seeing my sweet five.”

They were almost her last words on earth. They were certainly her first words after death. She told the man rowing the boat across the River Styx, “I do hope that they allow cats in Heaven and I shall have the joy of once again seeing my sweet five.”

“You’ll be lucky,” said the man rowing the boat.

Carmel wasn’t sure how to interpret the man’s statement. Did it mean a yes or a no? That is why she repeated to the nice man at the Pearly Gates, “I do hope that they allow cats in Heaven and I shall have the joy of once again seeing my sweet five.”

“Only one cat per person is allowed,” said the man at the gate.

Carmel returned to the man in the row boat. “Take me to the other place,” she said.

1751. Loss of Virtue

Sabrina’s grandmother supported Sabrina when Sabrina “Lost her Virtue”.

Perhaps an explanation is called for. If there was one thing seventeen year old Sabrina shared with her boyfriend it was love of cats. Billy was nineteen and worked as a mechanic apprentice, but every day after work, I mean every day, he would meet up with Sabrina and apparently they would feed their cats and talk about cats. For hours.

Sabrina had only two cats, but Billy had four. He lived “out the back” of his parents’ house, so Sabrina transferred her two cats to Billy’s place. That meant company for the cats during the day, and then after work they could feed both lots of cats together. Every day Sabrina and Billy would spend several hours “out the back” in Billy’s quarters feeding and talking cats. Well – maybe they occasionally talked about other things, but they were most passionate about cats. At least, cats were their excuse.

One day, the inevitable happened. Sabrina came home (she lived with her grandmother) in a ripe old state. What a mess she was in. Tears and more tears. She could hardly speak she was so upset. But eventually she managed to tell grandmother that she had lost her Virtue.

Don’t worry, said Grandmother kindly. We shall get you another cat to replace Virtue.

1727. Pamela makes a cake

It would be wrong to suggest that Pamela’s mother-in-law was horrible. In fact she was satisfactory – as are most mothers-in-law. It was her father-in-law who was the snarky one. His favourite party story was how he’d taken some leftovers home after dinner at his daughter-in-law’s house and not even his cat would eat it. Haw! Haw! Haw! He would repeat the punchline: not even the cat would eat it!

Pamela had a cat and it would eat anything – in fact she had three cats. And besides, Pamela wasn’t too bad a cook either. She wasn’t the greatest, most fabulous chef in the country, but she could cook a nice meal. When her father-in-law’s birthday was about to come up, Pamela invited her husband’s parents to dinner. Pamela was determined to show that she wasn’t as stupid a cook as the father-in-law made out. She would cook a really nice birthday cake dessert.

She spent ages combing through recipe books and online to discover something lovely that would require a bit of work. She found one and settled on it. It was a Raspberry Tuxedo Cheesecake. The recipe described it as a vanilla cheesecake that sits on a chocolate cookie crumb base, topped with raspberry compote and a drizzle of chocolate ganache. Pure decadence!

The rest of the meal would be simple and elegant, but the birthday cake would put her father-in-law’s cruel joke to shame. Pamela made little bits of the recipe over several days, but on the day before the birthday she spent hours! The “drizzle of chocolate ganache” was the most difficult. It had to be delicate, like a fine lace cloth. And the raspberry had to run evenly down the sides. Finish she did! Pamela put the masterpiece in the fridge.

The guests arrived! Pamela took her creation out of the fridge and placed it on the bench. The meal began! The birthday cake moment arrived! Pamela went out to the kitchen to make a grand entrance! The cats had jumped up onto the bench and eaten most of it.

1088. Woman in the park

Hello. Did I ever tell you? A few years ago I had the perfect household: five dogs, eight cats, and two humans. I had two border collies, a corgi, a schnauzer, and a chihuahua. The corgi thought it was a cat. It used to look after the baby kittens. Even lick them. The mother cat didn’t mind because she thought the corgi was a cat too.

When I married for a second time, quite late in life, my husband was off a farm and he had never had a pet dog, and that’s why I got him the two border collies. He adored them. These days it can get quite lonely without all these friends. That’s why I come for a walk in the park. What is your dog’s name?

Hello. Did I ever tell you? A few years ago I had the perfect household: five dogs, eight cats, and two humans. I had two border collies, a corgi, a schnauzer, and a chihuahua. The corgi thought it was a cat. It used to look after the baby kittens. Even lick them. The mother cat didn’t mind because she thought the corgi was a cat too.

When I married for a second time, quite late in life, my husband was off a farm and he had never had a pet dog, and that’s why I got him the two border collies. He adored them. These days it can get quite lonely without all these friends. That’s why I come for a walk in the park. What is your dog’s name?

Hello. Did I ever tell you…

1072. Lilies and cats

Kenneth had an allergy to pollen. He was especially plagued by pollen from lilies. Of course, Eunice, his wife, absolutely loved lilies. She would fill the vases with lilies every Easter, and poor Kenneth was left sneezing, wheezing, and weeping throughout the entire Paschal Season.

“It’s not Easter without lilies,” declared Eunice.

“It not Easter without hay fever,” said Kenneth.

Kenneth would get a pair of scissors and cut the pollen-laden stamens off. By the time he’d finished he was a blubbering, weeping mess. It was the same every year.

“You’ve ruined the lilies,” said Eunice. “Now I’ll have to get more.”

What a providential day it was when Eunice came home from the doctor’s and announced the discovery that she was allergic to cat fur.

“Thank goodness we don’t have a cat,” laughed Eunice.

Kenneth smiled.

1044. The children’s cat

As Janine backed the car out of the garage to take the two children to school she knew she’d run over the children’s pet cat. There was a bump.

“What was that?” asked Pedro.

“The car needs tuning. I have to take it in to get fixed later today,” said Janine.

She dropped the children at school, came home, gathered the dead cat, and put it in a box.

She would tell the children the cat had died. They could bury it in the garden and plant flowers on its grave. Then there would be the lengthy business of finding another kitten – Which one? Which colour? Which sex? Which size?

Thanks goodness Janine was experienced in the matter. It was their fourth cat in two years.

963. House sitting

“Thanks so much for looking after our house for six weeks while we toured Europe. Were there any expenses?”

It was our pleasure. We enjoyed it very much. The only expense incurred was the cat. We didn’t mind the cost of the daily food. It was a pleasure to have the cat about. But it scratched the legs of your chairs I’m afraid. We would’ve got them fixed, but we presumed some of the scratches were old.

Of course we didn’t know its name, but we called it Summer Shandy – because it was all sunshine and bubbled like a mixture of beer and lemonade! We fell in love with it!!

The expense was when it took ill and we had to take it to the vet. It cost over $300 I’m afraid. And then comes the wretched bit: sad to say we had to have it put down. So all in all, it will cost you nearly $400.

“But we didn’t have a cat.”

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938. Cat heaven

There had been so many complaints; centuries of complaints, going all the way back to the Ancient Egyptians. Person after person, coming through the Pearly Gates into Heaven had complained. Why can’t I bring in my pet cat?

Pharaoh Tutankhamun led the charge. He had a couple of mummified sacred cats he’d brought along with him. He’d moaned nearly every day since around 1327ish BC. He was only 17 years old, so he didn’t know any better, silly man.

Saint Peter was sick of it. He relented. Henceforth, cats and only cats (no dogs yet you understand?) would be allowed in. Nigel brought in 23 cats almost immediately; Nora 27; Davinia 85; Indira just the 1; Andrew 8; Beveridge 11; Debbie…

The place was overrun with cats.

Freddie wasn’t alone in hating the whole jolly cat thing. He was all for upping and leaving until someone pointed out that Hell allowed its residents to bring in their pet rats.

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703. Clarinda’s feline fixation

Clarinda’s dream came true. She had always loved animals, especially cats. Now, after several applications, she got a job working at the SPCA.

Thank goodness she had. They were short staffed. They were suddenly inundated with stray cats. Clarinda’s day was a joy! Cats of every shape and size and colour and personality!

Three or four stray cats came in every day. In fact, the SPCA’s cat intake matched exactly the number of reported missing cats.

Clarinda was busy, busy, busy. “Here Puss Puss Puss Puss!” called Clarinda in the evenings as she walked the streets of her neighbourhood.

Listen the story being read HERE!