1531: The closed door

(The opening sentence for this story was suggested by River of The Stories In Between. If you want to join in the fun of suggesting a future opening sentence for these stories, click here for a peek as to what’s what.)

When it comes to doors, they are either open or closed, and this one is definitely closed. Thus growled the witch to Gretel. Hansel and Gretel had been captured by the witch at the very moment they were breaking a chunk off the witch’s candy house. Contrary to what is believed, Hansel and Gretel never shoved the witch into the oven; they were too polite. Hansel had wasted away and died of forlornity. The witch took Gretel and threw her into a small room.

“When it comes to doors, they are either open or closed, and this one is definitely closed,” said the witch pointing a skeletal finger at the door at the back of the room. “Open that door and you will die.”

Gretel pined for freedom and life. She, naturally, did not wish to die. “Oh woe is me,” she said. “If only Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother could turn up and save me. Even Batman in spandex would do.” You, Gentle Reader, should know better. That is not going to happen.

Gretel lived in that little room for seven years. In the end, just like her brother Hansel, she died of forlornity. Little did she know that the door that was “definitely closed” was unlocked and led to the great world outside and freedom.

1520: Something nice to read while having breakfast

Thelma was not well-off; in fact she was practically skint. She had three children and they lived in a little house with a fairly basic rent. Thelma’s husband had been cleaning the spouting when he fell off the ladder and landed on his head. After the funeral, Thelma tried unsuccessfully to find a job. She wasn’t skilled at much. She had very little to go on, just a few savings that were kept in a tin in the cupboard under the kitchen counter. There was enough there for five weeks’ rent and a little food and the telephone and the electricity and some school books and… By being extra careful, and by doing without herself, Thelma managed to stretch things for a week longer than expected.

But the day came… There was no money left. In fact, that was not quite true; there was a two dollar coin in the tin in the cupboard under the kitchen counter. Thelma knew exactly what she would do with it. Before moving out of the house onto the street, Thelma would spend the two dollars on candy for the kids. It was a complete waste, she knew, but it would be an opulent extravagance; a sugar-coated memory; a throw-all-caution-to-the-wind celebration. The children were at school. When they came home she would give them a chocolate each and move onto the street.

On her way out of the house she picked up a letter on the floor that had been delivered through the door earlier that morning. It was from the landlord; did she realize she had missed paying the rent eleven weeks ago? Honestly, it was enough to break the camel’s back. Thelma burst into tears. She dabbed her eyes dry, tried to look reasonably respectable, and headed for the candy shop.

Here, gentle reader, is where you step in. I know you want something nice to happen, and quickly.

Thelma was the one millionth customer to walk through the door at the candy store. She got a great big free bag of candy in all colours, shapes and sizes – more than enough to rot the children’s teeth, if they couldn’t find anywhere to use a toothbrush out on the street.

On the way home Thelma gave the two dollars (and some candy) to a woman begging on the sidewalk. Surprise! Surprise! The woman was part of a “Why-not-make-someone’s day?” television show. For her kindness Thelma won six hundred thousand dollars!

And, dear reader, if you hadn’t had such a kind heart, such a wonderful thing would not have happened to Thelma. Here’s the moral: see how you have already changed the world for good, and you haven’t even finished your morning coffee yet!

1339. A younger wrist

Old Mrs Jellyman no longer had enough strength in her wrists to open a bought jar of anything. Nor could she rip the foil off the top of a plastic milk container. All these things were designed by the government to enhance health and safety.

To get around this problem, old Mrs Jellyman would ask young Josiah from next door to come and open things for her. Not all the time mind you (that would be a nuisance) but when it was called for as a last resort. For example, Old Mrs Jellyman would poke a hole in the silver foil with a sharp knife. That worked well enough. But some things we unopenable.

When she did call young Josiah over she always rewarded him with some candy. That’s why he was always keen to lend a hand, or in this case a wrist.

One day, Mrs Jellyman didn’t have any candy so she gave him some peanuts, and now he’s dead.

1035. Uncle Kemp

Today in Australia and New Zealand it is ANZAC Day. ANZAC stands for Australia and New Zealand Army Corps and is on the anniversary of the greatest defeat at Gallipoli during WWI. The day celebrates the memory of all fallen soldiers and those who served.

I want to tell you a fairly silly thing about my great-uncle, Kemp Scrimshaw, who served in the First World War. He was called Uncle Kemp, although his real name was William Hector. I never knew him, but I happen to live today in the same town in which he died. So every ANZAC Day I visit his grave in the Veterans’ Cemetery and place a poppy on it. Such are the everyday people living ordinary lives, who served in brutal wars…

My older brothers and sisters knew him. He worked in a factory that made lollies. (We call them lollies – some countries call them candy and some sweets and some bonbons and some confectionary and so on.) Anyway, Uncle Kemp worked in a lolly factory after the First World War and always brought my brothers and sisters lots and lots of lollies! Lots of lovely lollies!

I think of his kindness every ANZAC Day when I place the poppy. You see, his grave is only a few feet away from the entrance to the biggest lolly factory in the country!

May he, and all who served, rest in peace.

1006. Halloween

I think I’ve put a stop to this nasty little practice of kids knocking on my door and asking for candy. I have lots of delicious confectionary. It looks so tempting. Then the little snotty-nosed neighbours arrive dressed up completely unscaringly and ask for sweets.

I tell them, holding out the big basket I have, I tell them “Here, take some, but know that one of them is poisoned”. Isn’t that a scream? Trick and scream, I say to myself. Trick and scream! Scream your little hearts out you snotty-nosed neighbour’s sprogs dressed as Hiawatha. It works every time.

Of course, one of the sweets IS poisoned, but I know which one. Then when they’ve all screamed and run off I get to eat them all myself. All except for the poisoned one of course.

This year I got some Mackintosh’s Toffees and some Peanut M&M’s – best before February 2017. I’m already drooling at the thought of devouring them.

I’ll just have a wee peek. Which one is the poisoned one? Which one? Oh. There’s several of the same sort. I think it’s this one here.