2594. Scrawny little twerp

James was at high school and didn’t have a girlfriend as such. All the others seemed to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Maybe not all; Cora Jones didn’t seem to have a boyfriend and she was the one that James liked the most. With the school dance coming up he had to invite someone but he was too scared to ask Cora in case she said no. So he put it off.

Then with just two days left to go he had to ask someone. He just had to. He hated the thought. He’d rather have a Chemistry test and he hated Chemistry. There was no way out. He had to; he just had to; had to; had to.

Going up to Cora Jones he asked her point blank if she would like to go with him to the dance.

“Who do you think I am, you scrawny little twerp?” said Cora. “Don’t you know I’m going with Nigel Wolland? At least he’s got a personality; and looks. And at least he’s partially co-ordinated enough to dance. So no. Bad luck, loser.”

James went home and the next three days he called in sick. He was glad Cora Jones said no. Imagine having to go out with someone like her. He didn’t go to the dance. He stayed home and watched television.

2488. A leopard can’t change its spots

There once was a snake stuck in a well. It couldn’t wriggle out.

A boy lowered a bucket on a rope down the well and the snake climbed into the bucket. The boy then hauled the bucket up.

The snake was very grateful and gave the boy a magic ring. The snake then bit the boy with its fangs and killed the boy. The snake was able to get his magic ring back without too much trouble.

2273. The old bicycle

(Hi Folks – I’ve cut my ear rather badly so won’t be about to comment for an hour or two – or even perhaps for a couple of days. Lots of dramatic blood but not too serious I suspect. So no worries!)

Eight-year-old Corry’s mother couldn’t afford to buy him a proper bicycle. All the other kids had bicycles with gears and stuff. A couple even had e-bikes – like those kids weren’t obese enough already. Of course they were too young to be allowed to ride an e-bike on the road, but their spare bikes with all sorts of knobs on was for when they left the confines of their home property.

All that Corry’s mother could do was to paint up her grandfather’s old bicycle and fix the tyres. It had sat in the woodshed all these years. It was as old-fashion as they come, and looked it. It didn’t even have gears. Cycling up even a little hill was a major task. Poor Corry was embarrassed to ride out on it because everyone laughed at him.

The town’s annual fair was held each year on the race course. It was always a huge event. Simply everyone in the town went. Corry had an idea. He made a big sign and took his bike to the fair.

CYCLE ONCE ROUND THE RACE COURSE
AND EXPERIENCE WHAT
YOUR GREAT GRANDPARENTS
PUT UP WITH.
Price: $1

There was a waiting line all the way to kingdom come.

Corry went and bought himself a proper bike, although he kept his old bike for next year’s fair.

(P.S. Thanks for the comments and concern. As luck would have it the doctor on duty today at the Hospital Emergency had 40 years as a plastic surgeon and was retiring today! So he spent 5 hours fixing my ear, and now I look like Jack of Jack and Jill with my head wrapped for the next 5 days. How did I do it? It was a night mare (literally). I leaped over a high wooden fence to escape a wild horse and scrapped off all the skin inside my ear on the bedside table! I take blood-thinners so you can imagine the mess!)

1788. Noah

The anaesthetist was lovely; so kind and reassuring.

“I bet you can’t count up to ten,” she said to the four-year old boy.

“Yes I can. I can count up to twenty.”

“Let’s hear it,” said the anaesthetist.

“One. Two. Three…” He was out to it.

Later, when he woke up, he can’t remember what else there was to eat, but he had some ice cream.

Repeat of Story 134: Veljka alights

(Today we begin a week or so of repeats. These stories are not necessarily the best, or the most popular, or the ones I like. I’ve chosen them fairly much at random so I can have the week off! This story, “Veljka alights”, first appeared on this blog on 21 February 2014. Some of you faithful followers who read and commented on this story back then are now old and haggard. Enjoy!)

Veljka began to notice Ramon at school. She was becoming quite infatuated by him; his good looks, his intelligence, his laugh, his sportsmanship, his studiousness, his jovial conversations. He was beautiful. But he hardly noticed her. She noticed him, saw him, heard him, all the time. She would sit in the back corner of the classroom paying little attention to the lessons. Her eyes were on Ramon.

How natural and lovely he was when he chatted away – to everyone but Veljka it seemed. She wasn’t part of his group. For the annual school dance, he asked Cassandra to be his date. Cassandra was a nice person. Veljka wasn’t the jealous sort. But it made her sad.

One day, Veljka was on the bus and Ramon got on. The bus was full, except for one seat next to Veljka. Ramon sat next to her. Their knees accidentally touched. Veljka’s heart raced. She thought she would burst. She thought she would die. She thought she would faint. She thought she would stop breathing. Ahhhh! He didn’t take his knee away.

“How’s it going?” said Ramon.

“Ah, ah, oh,” said Veljka.

“Tell me,” said Ramon, “is your hair naturally that shade? I notice it all the time at school.”

All the time! All the time! “Yes,” said Veljka. “It’s natural. But I was thinking of dyeing it.”

“Don’t dye it,” said Ramon. “It’s beautiful. I notice you all the time.”

Notice me! Notice me!

Ramon left the bus. “Catch you later,” he said.

“See you,” said Veljka. She got off the bus at the next stop. She had overrun her home stop by seventeen minutes. She danced the eight miles home.

1060. Church dance

Gunson wasn’t keen to go to the annual parish dance. They’re all into religion, said Gunson. Going to church was the last thing on his mind when he went to a dance.

You’re all of nineteen, said his mother, and it’s work, work, work. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

So Gunson grudgingly put on his best semi-casual attire and went to the dance. He walked into the church hall and there was Cressida! Cressida! He’d never laid eyes on her before. She was radiant. She was the best thing since sliced bread. He asked her for a dance, and they danced all evening.

How was it? asked his mother the next morning.

It was alright, mumbled Gunson.

A few weeks later, Gunson’s mother was puzzled.

I can’t understand why you’ve started going to church on Sundays, she said.

970. Buying shirts

And you thought buying clothes for an eleven year old girl was hard! Just try buying shirts for an eleven year old boy! Kimberley took her son shopping for a couple of shirts.

It was one of those department stores that have a bit of everything, and a reasonable range of boys’ clothing. Nathan wanted to try everything on. Does it match? Is it the right size? Will I grow out of it too soon? The pattern wasn’t right, it was too girly.

Kimberley was at the end of her tether. “It doesn’t matter, dear. They all look nice. Just make a choice.”

But Nathan had to try on one more shirt.

That was when the terrorist bomb went off.

Listen to the story being read HERE!

665. It’s a boy!

© Bruce Goodman 6 August 2015

Moira and Archie had five daughters: Muriel, Betty, Grace, Mary, and Eunice. They loved their daughters greatly, but sort of hoped for a son. Don’t get me wrong; if they had five sons they would’ve hoped for a daughter.

Archie read and practised everything he could find to increase the chances of creating a boy. He drank lots of coffee before doing the deed. Apparently coffee greatly excited the male spermatozoa and they swam to the egg in an enthusiastic sprint.

He ate less fruit and vegetables because little X-chromosomes liked their fruit and vegetables too much. In fact, he had a strictly alkaline diet because little Y-chromosomes disliked acid. He upped his intake of sodium and potassium, and of calcium and magnesium. He consulted the Chinese Lunar Calendar. He hit the chocolate, because according to the copy of Women Today and Yesterday in the dentist’s waiting room, skinny people produce girls.

And you know what? It worked! It worked! They had a boy! This was a few years back.

Today, David (or Davinia as she is now known) is the apple of her father’s eye.